Disappointment in people, humanity.

[Alfalfablocks]

I normally post somewhere else but wanted to do this one anonymously. Don't want to darken someone else's NYD.

If I wasn't here, a few people would be upset for a little while but then life would resume and things would go back to normal. That's the way life is.

The people who are really hurting me don't have the awareness to change their behaviour while I'm alive, so even if I wasn't here, I don't think they would think they might have had something to do with it.

Life is hard. 2016 had been the hardest and most testing of my life and the way this year has started too means actually there are only a few people who care about me, and they will cope without me.

I live for my DC right now, but I am losing them to toxic family and fear they will become indoctrinated and contaminated by them. I can't cope thinking my children will turn out like them, selfish, vain, greedy, mean and with misplaced priorities.

When you go through a rough patch, and start telling friends about it, it's all exciting for them to be part of shocking updates and gossip, like being part of a soap in real life. But after a while, the number whittles down, some get bored with it all and step away, even though they've told you they'll be there for you - but when you really need them, they aren't there at all. They don't check at difficult times such as this time of year to see how you're doing, if you needed somewhere to go because they know your situation. People are endlessly disappointing. There are some good ones but the good ones are not near me.

I'm nobody's responsibility and don't want to be. I'm just disappointed in people over and over. Why do people make empty offers all the time, if you need some help I'm here. You ask for help and they make excuses. Don't bother saying anything.

[fallenempires]

Sorry to hear that you haven't had the RL support that you need it's particularly hurtful when you are generous with your own time when others need you.
You have however virtual support here.

[Alfalfablocks]

So kind of you to reply to my post, Fallen. I wrote it out of desperation and hope I resurface as I usually do but sometimes there's just nowhere else to turn.

[fallenempires]

This part of MN is a great source of support for many of us so post away,it's better than carrying around all those dark thoughts in your head.
My MH has unravelled again during the past year as I've been left to cope with numerous things which are largely out of my hands,so I can understand that sinking feeling of being lost.

[Alfalfablocks]

Sometimes you don't want to bother other people either, especially at times when we are "supposed" to be happy and celebrating.
Was contemplating deactivating all sorts of accounts because they don't make you happier, but not this one!

[fallenempires]

Yes can agree with that.I haven't felt at all festive,yet as per usual I had to muddle through to make it happen for others as indeed you did being Mum.
I don't expect to go through life without there being challenges far from it but it's reached the point where I can no longer deal with being burdened with it all.
Are you taking any meds?

[Alfalfablocks]

The only time I'm happy is when I physically remove myself from the situation - but that is short lived because I have to come back to it.
No, not taken any meds. Not sure how I feel about that. I've pondered it, then decided I didn't need that sort of help, but I do wonder from time to time of it would actually help me cope better, just as a short term thing until this horrible situation is dealt with. I've no idea really. Do you?

[pklme]

It isn't a good reason, but perhaps a bit of an explanation... People's own lives are pretty full. I know a handful of people who have huge capacity for supporting people. Thing is, even with that, they struggle to support everyone they want to. I admire them hugely. I have in the past been able to be a support to others- as a foster carer. It pretty much took my family and me to the edge. At the moment I am not doing anything like that but I have no capacity to help anyone else. I'm aware of people around me needing help, but am only just managing myself. The friends who let you down may have problems they don't tell you about because they don't want to worry you.
Anyway, I'm sorry you feel bad.

[fallenempires]

Yes I take Citalopram have been back on it now for nearly 8 months.It helps to take the edge off things iyswim but the unhappiness is still there lurking inside if that makes sense but it helps me to control it.

[Alfalfablocks]

Possibly pklme you are right in some cases. But there are some which are not. If you don't have the capacity, why suggest you do that's all I'm wondering. Does it make people feel better to pretend they can help but when actually a crisis emerges, they are nowhere to be seen?

I can't imagine what it feels like Fallen. It sounds so hard to describe. But I am glad it helps even if you know what lies beneath.

[fallenempires]

As I said AD's might not be for you but in my own case were the only option in stopping me from literally crumbling.What I find difficult to get my head around is that both myself and my GP have identified what the root cause is but without the issue being properly dealt with I am reliant on the meds.
You have to weigh up how you want to proceed from here really.

[Alfalfablocks]

I think I need to see my gp again. I know what's causing my immediate problems (my ex) but what I'd like to know is why I lack such a spine and can't stand up for myself and undervalue myself so much, everyone says don't blame yourself, but actually, I am partly to blame because I allowed it to happen. I wasn't smart enough to recognise the signs.
NYD and I've been in bed alone all day, got a terrible stress headache, not brushed my teeth, showered, nothing. Had some terrible round robin messages but not been sought out by anyone.
I just am so low right now.

[Alfalfablocks]

People keep saying you're doing so well dealing with all this, how do you do it etc.
Well maybe it's time for all the bravery and strength to come and end. I can't keep it up any more!
My head's throbbing like crazy.

[fallenempires]

Snap!I'm also in bed as I truly cba today! I also didn't have anybody other than my DP text me HNY,my teens have been with X(H) for most of the holidays & yes teens being teens are off doing their own thing.Nevertheless it bloody hurts.
You do have that fight inside you but as things are you are just too overwhelmed & bogged down to recognise it.It's a struggle to manage every day things let alone these never ending big issues.It's like being kicked when you're already down.

[Alfalfablocks]

Aww I'm sorry you're feeling lonely too. I think it's just this whole bloody emphasis on having a good time on 31st and doing a family thing on 1st. Neither of which has happened for me either.
My young kids are with toxic fam now and it kills me. I can't bear it.

[fallenempires]

Yes it is the whole jolly festive thing to a certain extent but also knowing that it's a NY when you know that it's just the same shit but a different day!
However I have vowed to myself that I'm going to somehow tackle these things head on this year,how,I'm not completely sure yet but I know that I must to start feeling normal again.

[Alfalfablocks]

It's the only way to go Fallen, we have to get on with it and imagine how great we'll feel when we've dealt with.
I know I've got shitloads of shit ahead. And I know I'll feel low like I have today again. Many times. But I know inside I don't want to give up.
It's bloody hard though. Especially when you're trapped in a low.

[fallenempires]

Exactly...so are we going to spur each other on to set the wheels in motion?

[Alfalfablocks]

I fell asleep sorry. Are you feeling any better now? My kids still aren't back and I'm desperate to see them again.

[fallenempires]

Well I dragged my sorry arse self out of bed & got a few things done!Glad to hear that you got some undisturbed sleep.Mine aren't back until tomorrow,tbh I've enjoyed the break & not being Mum.I would welcome being able to be just me more often!