Never felt so much like I want to end it all

[user1482874842]

Awful xmas. I've been ill - heavy cold, cough, toothache. Already have a budding alcohol problem, as I use it to numb how awful I feel. H went out on xmas eve and bought me a hideously expensive technology present. Honestly, why you'd spend £1600 on this piece of technology is beyond me. He only did it because he has some money following the death of a parent (he's usually the tightest person on the planet). That's all I got - not one suprise or thoughtful present to open - he even told me on the way home (as I have to take him to get this present - can't drive himself) that it would be 'our' laptop, and he'd probably spend more time on it than I would. He opened his own presents, said 'is that all?' and threw them down and stormed out (we've barely spoken in 2 months - he's lucky he got what he did, which was functional stuff he needs, like clothes, and chocolate, smellies, flavoured coffee etc). He thought he should get a new phone. My kids reacted in different ways. Oldest said it was the worst xmas ever, despite having loads of money spent on stuff (again due to H inheritance). Youngest said, in a dead voice, well you two argue every day anyway. Not sure which reaction is worse. In context, when H threw his toys out of the pram about his lack of phone, he went to bed (about 10), got up when I asked one of the boys to tell him xmas dinner was ready, sat in the kitchen smoking a spliff while we 3 ate our xmas dinner, then lost his to the bin when I threw it in there after we'd finished. Instead of waiting around for him to get up yesterday (he always comes to bed about 6/7 am and gets up about 3/4 pm) we went out for pizza and cinema, but I felt bad about present and bought him a phone. It was partly feeling bad, partly of interest to see how he would spin this one. He's now acting like everything's fine. I fucking hate him. He's done nothing but scream at DH1 today, as he's now my friend and needs someone to be hateful to. I can't stop crying and keep thinking a death by natural causes over night would stop my kids being too traumatised (obviously they would be devestated, but not in the same league as if I took my own life). I fucking hate my life. My best friend has abandoned me, as I'm sure she's sick of me going back to him however badly he behaves (he is very emotionally abusive, but then I just take it and go back for more). I'm educated, have a good job, and a loving famiily. But my god I have fucked my life up. I tried to get away from him last year, and he took to his bed and starved himself. Don't even know why I'm writing this down, I'm just sick sick sick of myself, him, my life.

Why don't I LTB? Oh if it were that easy.

[sooperdooper]

I'm so sorry you're having such bad time, I'd say LTB but I know it's not that simple - you say your family are loving, could you take the dc and stay with family for a few days to get some perspective and a break?

It all sounds exhausting, I feel for you

[OohhThatsMe]

Look, you really need to get a grip.

Your children are unhappy in the family.
You are unhappy in your marriage.
You've got a bit of money coming in through an inheritance - put it to good use and separate. Honestly, stop being a martyr. If my children were that unhappy I would do what I could to change things.

[Wineloffa]

He starved himself? What an absolute dick! You need to leave him, you and your children would be much better off away from him. I second what sooperdooper said, go and stay with family for a few days to think it through and formulate a plan xx

[user1482874842]

Thanks sooper - yes, it is exhausting. Parents are ancient and have middle aged alcoholic brother living with them.

Oohh, hmmm, interesting response. What makes you think I have any access to the inheritance? It's not my inheritance. Get a grip? So speaks someone who has absolutely no fucking idea what it's like to live with emotional abuse! Having said that, sure 'get a grip' is an appropriate response I suppose.

[AnxiousCarer]

Hi, I'm sorry you are having such a hard time at the moment. It sounds like H is making your and DCs lives miserable. Have you come accross womens aid? 0808 2000 247 or [email protected] they are a domestic abuse charity and provide support to people in your circumstances. Also there is Samaritans 116 123 or email [email protected]

[sooperdooper]

If you're married then you definitely do have access to the inheritance - speak to a solicitor :)

Your Dc aren't happy, you're not happy, you can make a change for all of you - Women's Aid is a good call, ring them & get some advice

[SomeonesRealName]

Do please think about calling women's aid. Your situation sounds critical and it's hard to know what to advise you. I agree it's unhelpful and distressing to be told to get a grip but I understand what the pp meant, as you do need to react to this emergency to protect yourself and your children from this abusive man, otherwise the consequences for you all could be very dire. You say you have a loving family so that's a potential option for you, regardless of whether your brother is there. Do they know anything of what it going on?

[sooperdooper]

Hey, how's things today OP?