Depression and anxiety SUCK!

[TheGoblinQueen2711]

I have nothing left to give anymore, I'm defeated. No matter how hard I try to keep a smile on my face and make out everything is okay, it's just not working anymore. I need help. I will be calling the Dr in the morning, and talking to him about strong anti depressants. I simply can't cope any more.
I'm back to self harming, and it's getting worse. I need to stop. I don't even want to be here anymore.
I feel like I am drowning.

I don't know what I'm going to achieve by posting here, I just needed to get it off my chest. I need to find my way back through the darkness somehow but right now it feels almost impossible.

[sconebonjovi]

I don't know how to help, but I hear you. It fucking sucks. I hope you get the help you need x

[AnxiousCarer]

Agreed, they suck. Sorry you are having such a hard time. Seeing your GP is definately a good idea. Are you safe tonight? Do you have any RL support? Samaritans contacts if you need them are 116 123 or email [email protected]

Feel free to keep talking here

[TheOldestCat]

It fucking sucks, I agree. Am struggling at the moment. How are you today?

Can you go to your GP soon (I know it is hard at the moment)?

x

[TheGoblinQueen2711]

I won't say I'm okay, or fine, you all know enough about depression to know that will be a lie. I'm better today than I was yesterday though I think.
My DH left me to 'lie in' this morning, he knew I was awake, but left me until I could get up and face the day.
He tries so hard to understand, but he is struggling too, he is trying to cope with my mood swings, but like me never quite knows what's coming.
It adds an extra layer of guilt to the depression because I hate what I am putting him and the children through. I just can't seem to fight through it this time.

My GP isn't in the surgery today, and I just can't bring myself to speak to another Dr about it all, so will be calling in tomorrow. I need help, because I can't keep on this way, yesterday I felt so miserable I just wanted it all to end, by any means necessary, and that thought terrified me!!

I'll be around family today, on the one hand it's good, as I will be distracted, but on the other hand it's just more people to pretend in front of. Only my husband and one of my closest friends seem to realise the distance between myself and everyone else. The false smile.
DH is getting good at covering for me when it's all too much though. He really is trying to help, he just doesn't always know how. I think he waits for me to tell him the answer sometimes, but I can't, I don't know it myself.

[TheGoblinQueen2711]

for everyone else struggling. Much love to you all (not very MN, but tough) x

[AnxiousCarer]

Hugs to you too. Glad DH is supportive, I know what you mean about the false smile.

Its so scary having those thoughts, I've been there in the past. Have you told DH about them? Are you on any medication at the moment?

[TheGoblinQueen2711]

DH knows some, not all. He doesn't know the darkest thoughts. I can't bring myself to tell him.

I'm on no medication at the moment, I was on something a little while ago, citalopram, but I felt it wasn't working or going to work until I had some counselling too. I did a few sessions with a counsellor before he signed me off, my Dr said he was happy for me to take medication, but like an idiot I refused it, thinking I could battle it on my own, as I have in the past. This time though it's harder for some reason. I've no idea why.
And to be honest it's not like I have anything to be depressed about, I have a decent family, a job, a roof over my head, good friends etc, we aren't rich, but not poor either. I have it so much better than a lot of people, yet I am still depressed. I can't explain it. And in some ways it makes it worse, I hate not being in control of how I feel, I hate that I can't justify it. I feel like I have no reason to be depressed and yet there it is, hanging over me like a black cloud, never going away.
I've been like it since I was in school, but it's never been as bad as this.

[fallenempires]

Goblin good to hear that you have a supportive & loving DH.Do you want him to be led by you or do you want him to talk freely about your illness?
There are often no obvious reasons why you feel this way or even what the initial trigger was.This is what makes the illness even more cruel & baffling.
You said that you didn't get on with Citalopram,why was this?
It certainly seems to be the prescribed drug of choice atm but there are others out there & it is worth trying another AD to see if it suits your needs better.
In your situation I would seek an emergency appointment first thing tomorrow morning as you don't sound well from what you posted.

[Amandahugandkisses]

I know the false smile too.
Please get help.

[fallenempires]

Just another thought here,but guessing by your user name your possibly mid 40's? Could peri menopause or the approach to it be causing the depression?

[Lovemusic33]

Hope you are ok op, I know exactly how you are feeling and it sucks , my dr put me on matrazapine 2 weeks ago, since then I have had a pretty rough tine, I am unsure if they have kicked in yet. I'm finding it hard to look ahead, I can't see things getting any better so then I start to question if I really want to be here .

[Satishouse]

Depression and anxiety is not always a reflection of how your life is at this moment in time. You said this started at school, if you gave it some thought, could you identify what happened at this time to trigger the sadness and fear that you still have today? X

[AnxiousCarer]

Most ADs take at least 2 weeks to kick in so. Different ones affect different people differently so it can take a bit of trial and error to get the right one. Side effects often settle after the first few weeks few weeks too.

And definately you don't always have an obvious reason with depression.

[TheGoblinQueen2711]

I'm unsure why the citalopram didn't work for me. If I'm honest I don't think I gave it much of a chance.
I'm making an appointment tomorrow, GP is supportive, and when I had told him I didn't want the ADs, he encouraged me to review it and we could discuss alternatives when I felt ready. I've avoided making the appointment in the past as the anxiety is stopping me, but I am determined to sort this out, I don't like feeling suicidal, I've never been quite that low before and it terrified me.

On the upside I did enjoy being out and about today, even though I was dreading it. Still a lot of fake smiling, but there were plenty of genuine ones to be had too.

I'm in my 30's so I don't think it's menopause related.
I denied the depression for ages, I think maybe because my DM has had it in the past, and I didn't want her to feel like she has passed it on, can it even be genetic? Or for anyone to assume I was faking it or even it being psychosomatic? Does that make sense?
I think now I have accepted that actually, yes I do have depression, I have done for a long time, it's opened the floodgates...

I do feel better for getting some of my feelings down on here, and for having advice and just someone (some people) to listen who really 'get it' (DH is super supportive, and is trying so hard, but he is struggling sometimes because he doesn't truly understand it)
I certainly don't feel suicidal and I haven't self harmed at all today, DH might even get a cuddle tonight. I haven't wanted any kind of contact recently, I have felt too vulnerable, or not worthy, or just too tired to do anything than just collapse into bed. And yet at other points all I have wanted is for DH to just hug me, even if I resist it at first. The poor man doesn't know if he is coming or going. I need to sort this out for his sake as much as mine. He is putting up with so much at the moment, and he never complains, or makes me feel guilty (my own brain does enough of that) He just gets on with it all and does what he can to help me. I'm lucky to have him.

Thank you all for listening, and for the advice. I don't know what I expected when I posted, I just wanted to get it off my chest I think, especially my darkest moment, I can't tell anyone I thought like that irl, I just can't. I'm glad I posted here now though, as it has helped.
Today I have seen some light through the darkness in my mind. I'm still not okay, far from it. But I am determined to be okay.

[AnxiousCarer]

Hi goblin glad you have had a better day today. From what I've read most cases of depression are not thought to be genetic, however growing up with a parent with depression can predispose you to it because it can be an emotionally challenging childhood. Also depression affects 1 in 4 people so its very common and could be coincidental. The good news is that for most people treatment can be very effective, a combination of medication and therapy seem to be the most effective approach. Ask your GP to refer you on for counceling or cbt too. I've had depression twice 10 years apart and recovered well, the second time was not nearly as bad as I caught it earlier. The first time I resisted medication and sunk much lower before accepting help. Realising that there is a problem and accepting help are the first steps to getting better.

[fallenempires]

Goblin your DH sounds lovely & so supportive!Glad you feel better today.Do let us know how you get on with the GP.

[TheGoblinQueen2711]

Been prescribed Sertraline to try for a couple of months.
I'm hoping it will make me feel happier/better.
I'm also waiting for a call back about some more counselling. I need to find one who can fit around work as I can't get time off.

I haven't self harmed in 6 days, which is an improvement.

Thank you for the support, and I hope times are easier, or will get easier for all of you.
Depression is an awful thing, I can't believe the way it was leaving me feeling a week ago. I mean it's not gone away, but that's the lowest I have ever felt in my life. It was terrifying and a massive wake up call for me. It pushed me to get the help I need.

[fallenempires]

Sounding positive,hopefully the Sertraline will be the one for you.