Depression and anxiety again...so frustrating

[papercrane]

Just feeling really low today and having one of those 'I'm completely useless and broken' moments. I've suffered from anxiety and depression for such a long time now, about half my life really (since my mid teens) and I have times where it's much better but I'm just so frustrated with it, with myself. I hate the fact that my behaviour is erratic and this affects my son who is four now and starting to be more aware. I don't want to damage him. I'm sick of having no energy, just to do things that I know would help me like exercise or seeing friends, and to be a good enough parent. My partner works every other weekend and I work Monday to Friday. I'm exhausted after the week right now and it's my weekend alone with DS and honestly, the only way I'm going to physically cope is by letting him watch a LOT of television. It's not the parent I want to be to him and it's not good enough but I don't know how else I'm going to do tomorrow.

I'm just about keeping it together at work and they seem to be really happy with me but I have this constant feeling I'm not good enough or that people don't like me, that it's all going to go wrong etc. At the moment I'm struggling to follow through on things and get stuff done, I just feel I'm spinning my wheels a bit but because of the nature of my job I can get away with it for a while. But I'm frustrated because that's also not the kind of person I want to be and am capable of being. I just don't understand why I'm being so crap!

I keep waking up at night. I've always needed a lot of sleep and I'm not functioning well without it, it's like I'm not firing on all cylinders at all. Having to use a calculator to divide 32 by 2 for example. I just feel so slow and dull.

Just a rant really. I'm on a waiting list for ten counselling sessions, can't afford anything else atm. Estranged from my family so no help there. I was really proud of managing to come off antidepressants earlier in the year and I don't like the numbing effect they have on me but I guess I'll have to go back on them again since clearly I'm no good off them.