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Friend being weird? Or is my depression messing with my head?(9 Posts)
Not sure what's going on here. DH bumped into my friend recently (I thought of her as my closest friend) and she told him she lives in a house that is less than 2 minutes walk away from us. Yet she hadn't told me this. Isn't that a bit weird?
Bit of a backstory, sorry it's long.
Been best mates since we were kids, maid of honor for each other etc. Then I got ill about 3 years ago. I bumped into her once after that and she was very pregnant. I was really happy for her, but unable to have a much longed for 2nd DC I couldn't see her or talk to her about it and I admit I avoided her - it wasn't hard, we lived in different towns. Kept up with her updates on facebook etc. She was aware of my illness but never asked how I was or came to see me anymore. For a long time I couldn't leave the house. She always says happy birthday/christmas on facebook and will occasionally like something of mine on there, and I do the same, but that's it. Its been that way ever since.
Not long after her DC was born, she & her DH split up and she moved into a new place. I thought she was in same town as her ex as they split amicably and still do family stuff together. Photos all over facebook & twitter. She seems to be doing well and I was pleased for her, making a new start.
I admit I'm as much to blame for letting this friendship slide because I'm not very mobile and can't walk far before I'm in lots of pain, so I only go out of the house when I really need to. Last few months I've been so lonely and felt so isolated, while she seems to be having lots of fun with her other friends. I felt like no one cares about me, they've forgotten I exist - the usual depression-fuelled thoughts.
Then she bumps into my DH and says she lives in a house I can actually walk to without getting pain, and has been there for over 2 years, and she never told me. All the times I've sat here in a sobbing mess from the loneliness and she was just there, so close! I could have been a much better friend if I'd known. Our friendship wouldn't have fizzled out if she'd told me straightaway. I wouldn't have got so lonely and isolated and she would have had me as support like before she had DC etc.
She always said she'd always be there for me and she wasn't. She was my only close friend, whereas she has always had lots. I feel hurt and confused. Why didn't she tell me? But then, if she didn't want me to know she lived so close, why tell my DH now? If I moved into a street knowing a good friend of mine lived there, I'd probably at least message them on facebook and say 'hey I just moved into number X, fancy a coffee sometime?' Wouldn't you? Just out of courtesy really.
I don't know what I want from posting this here, I just haven't got anyone else to talk to about it. DH doesn't really get why I feel so hurt. I feel so alone.
I'm guessing that she thought you wouldn't be interested as the friendship has not been maintained recently. Friendships do take effort from both sides, could she be hurt by your lack of interest in second child and lack of support over relationship breakdown? It doesn't sound as if much energy has gone into this friendship recently and you've both had very good reasons for this. So maybe now you know, fresh start, suggest a meet up and see if you can re start the friendship?
I don't know, like I said, she has many close friends & very supportive family. From what I saw on facebook, the split with her DH was friendly and they both wanted it. Also it was her first DC (that's probably even worse... gah!) and it was me who longed for a second and can't have one.
She knew about my health-dive and she knew that was why I was struggling to maintain friendships. It felt like she'd dumped me because I was ill. I don't know that for a fact, it's just how it felt.
I don't know if she's had good reasons for our friendship breakdown because she doesn't appear to have had broken down friendships with anyone else.
I do see my part in it because I could have chatted to her online and I didn't, because she always seemed to be having so much fun with everyone else and I felt forgotten about. I sound jealous, yes I suppose I am because I have no one.
I don't know what to say to her. I'm devastated that she has been 2 minutes away, all this time, and I didn't know.
Having read your post I honestly feel that she was hurt when you stopped talking to her when she was pregnant, I know I would be, maybe if you had spoken about your feelings you'd still be friends. You can't expect a friend you pushed away to make all the effort now you have health problems. I'm not in the same country as my friends but I make an effort not to lose touch because they are my friends and I need them and I love hearing from them even if it's just hearing what they've had for tea! I'm sorry but it seems you pushed her away first, she probably felt abandoned especially since her split from her partner.
I honestly do see what you're saying Buster, and you sound like an excellent friend, but I didn't just stop talking to her, we had already not been in touch for a while when I bumped into her and she was heavily pregnant - this wasn't her fault OR my fault, life had just got in the way. She knew I was really ill at that time.
After that, yes I avoided her, but at the same time I was pretty much housebound so would have been unlikely to see her anyway, especially as we lived in different towns. To have been able to 'push her away' she would have had to have been there in the first place and she just wasn't. I certainly don't feel that I abandoned her - it's not as if she had no other friends, she has lots of friends who are as close to her as I was, then and now. And the decision to split with her DH was mutual, it wasn't all him.
I've never expected her to make all the effort, but saying that, when I pretty much couldn't leave the house for more than a few minutes (and she knew that) there wasn't really much I could do. I have already said that I should have kept in touch more on facebook or whatever, and I wish I had. Because I feel like I'm the one who was forgotten about. She didn't keep in touch either, it wasn't all me.
Since I found out how close by she's been living without telling me, I've felt nothing but regret and loss. I don't know if I'm brave enough to send her a message because I don't know what to say.
So you pretty much stopped talking 3 years ago? You weren't there for her after she had her child, you weren't there for her during her marriage break down , and yet you expect her to have told you she moved nearby? Why on earth would she have bothered if you were not there for her for two major life events?
If I were you I'd send a message saying about your husband bumping into her etc....and say it's been so long and we live so close let's catch up? You've got nothing to lose and wouldn't it be great to rekindle that friendship? But do bear in mind some friendships just fizzle out of their own accord. Ive got friends I don't see any more, there isn't really a reason we've just outgrown each other. If you do see your friend make it special, take over a lovely cake and maybe some photos or projects you work on at home so you have plenty to chat about. Good luck OP. I'm sorry that you're so upset over it all.
The problem is that generally speaking you get out of a friendship what you put into it. You're upset that this friend has not been there for you but actually you have not be there for her either (maybe she found adjusting to motherhood hard, maybe her dc was a difficult baby, maybe her relationship breakdown was much worse than it appeared on Facebook?) so, you've mutually drifted apart and not been close enough friends to support each other through major life events and that's why it didn't occur to her to make a special effort to contact you about the move. She's not hiding it, when a natural opportunity presented itself she told your dh.
Op you are neither the victim nor the culprit here, it just happened....... But you've been presented with a golden opportunity to put things right, so drop the resentment and go and see her.
This friendship has died a long time ago, and no one is at fault really. These things happen,life gets in the way etc. However, you only seem to want to rekindle the friendship now because 1. You want what she has (social life,friends and so on) and 2. Because it's convenient for you now that she lives so close.
Those are not things you can rebuild a real and strong friendship on.
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