I've been struggling for years, if I'm honest. I suffer very badly with anxiety/over-thinking and have done since I was a child. I've never done anything about it and I've just managed with it (because I'm from THAT kind of family). It has affected me to the point that I no longer have any friends because I over-think everything everyone says and does and it usually leads me to conclude that I am a bad person, so I find it easier not to deal with people at all.
On the surface I probably appear normal. I have a good marriage, a job I enjoy(ed... but I'll come to that), 2 great kids, a nice life. I use Facebook but I have a policy to only post positive things, so nobody would know how much I find life a struggle. I have deactivated Facebook numerous times because it only worsens my anxiety, but then I feel completely cut off from society and end up reactivating it. Lately I am finding any kind of social interaction harder than usual whether it's on Facebook or in real life. It all seems like such an effort.
I have some new symptoms which I don’t understand. The main one is that I cannot cope with noise of any sort. I hate the TV being on AT ALL and I am constantly turning it down to a level I can tolerate, which is far below a ‘normal’ volume. I just want to escape the house and the noise all the time. I want to sleep a lot – my Fitbit told me some nights I was getting 9-10 hours a night which seemed excessive so I am trying to cut it down. Whether I get 7 or 10 hours sleep I still feel tired, lethargic and unable to concentrate. I am drinking more than I should.
My children are still only small and I love them both immensely but I realise I am not finding much ‘joy’ in motherhood. My youngest (3) is profoundly disabled and can be hard work, I worry all the time about her future. I am tearful when I see other children her age doing what she should be doing; at parties or in the park I usually end up sobbing when I see the others her age all walking and talking. I feel bitter all the time about her circumstances. My oldest daughter (4) is just… amazing… and yet I feel I harangue her all the time about small things that don’t matter.
I have lost interest in everything I used to find joy in. I play lots of instruments but seeing them in my house just reminds me I’m not very good at them, and I’ve put them all away. I was looking forward to getting a piano at Christmas and teaching my daughter, but now I don’t want one at all. Everything I used to do with such enthusiasm – music, crafting, learning French, DDR, circus skills, reading – I no longer find any joy at all in and I am slowly selling or throwing out everything that used to mean so much to me. I don’t want anything of mine in the house. My DH says I will regret it later.
I am continually de-cluttering and have been for several years, but I have got to a point where it’s probably extreme. I’m selling or binning things that I will probably want or need in the future. I am continually nagging my DH and DD1 to get rid of things because I can’t stand all the ‘stuff’, it just feels overwhelming.
I am having a difficult time at work at the moment - there's been some restructuring and redundancies and I'm still not sure where I stand. I don't have great line management (they don't communicate with me), I'm not part of a team, and I feel very much undervalued and ignored. I enjoy what I do but I am no longer enjoying doing it there. Work has always been very important to me but right now I am struggling to concentrate on it, engage, or even set myself objectives never mind deliver them. I sit in an office on my own and don't interact with anyone on most days – I work from home when the kids aren’t at home because I may as well since nobody bothers about me. I have a mid-year-review next week and I haven’t done any preparation for it (we are supposed to write up objectives online, say what we’ve achieved, that kind of thing) because I don’t care and I’m not even bothered who knows it. I’ve always been treated quite poorly at work but remained positive; this is the first time I’ve got to the point of not trying to make things better. I just don’t care.
Based on all the above I think I may have some kind of depression but I can’t go see my GP. My GP is not even sympathetic towards physical problems so I doubt would be sympathetic towards my feelings. I’m famously good at down-playing things (in real life) and would not be able to get across the extent of how I feel. After I had my second daughter we were offered counselling from the unit where she’d been very ill, and we both declined. I now think I had PTSD and PND, and I was seeing a doctor regularly at the time for some physical problems, and she would always ask about my ‘mood’ and I would just lie and get away with it. Now I wish I had spoken up when someone was asking me about it.
I don’t know what I want really – maybe magic pills off the internet! I would just like some advice from anyone who might resonate with the above because I don’t think I can carry on like this and be happy, but maybe it's just normal to go through life like this? Posting here was really difficult and I have never talked about myself this much before and I’m sorry. Thanks so much if you got this far.
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Mental health
Are these signs of depression, or is it normal to be like this?
5 replies
TakeItFromMe · 21/09/2016 13:49
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