DH MH

[TheTapir]

My husband and I have been together for almost 20 years and he has had bouts of depression in the past.

A few months ago, totally out of the blue, he announced that he didn't want to be with me anymore and he moved out. He's been struggling with depression and anxiety for probably almost 12 months. Perhaps it's relevant to add that he's mid-forties and has bought himself a sports car since he left. He's tried various medication from his GP, has just signed himself up for NHS provided CBT which doesn't start until October and has recently asked his GP for a referral so he can use his health insurance to see a psychiatrist. I saw him last week and he says that he possibly feels, maybe, slightly better for having moved out but he certainly isn't acting/talking/looking like someone who is happier. He's eating almost nothing but takeaways, drinking lots and has put on lots of weight.

In the meantime I have no idea what to do. The past instances of depression have not been this bad but he has once previously decided that he wanted us to split up, however, once his medication was sorted out he changed his mind. I am fortunate enough to not have MH issues myself so it is hard for me to understand what he's going through. I have always done my best to support him and he's thanked me in the past for being so good when he's feeling depressed.

This situation is so, so hard though. He says that he wants to try to sort himself out and then take another look at our relationship but, at the moment he still feels the same as when he moved out. I can't see how we can work on anything when we aren't really seeing each other, equally I don't want us to split up, or to feel like I am giving up on him, but how long do I wait?

I also can't imagine that isolating himself from someone who is willing to support him is the best thing to do - the only family he has is an elderly mother who lives an hour away and is in poor health herself.

I'm not sure really what I'm asking for, but I don't know whether to just give up and move on with my life, or to put everything on hold on the off chance he'll change his mind, when at the moment he doesn't even seem to want to see me. I'm also scared because we're getting used to living apart.

[AnxiousCarer]

Hi, it sounds like you are having a really hard time.

My DH and I seperated for a short time due to his MH when he was unwell. It was a horrible time of limbo. I got through it by spending the time appart focusing on myself and looking after my own health so that I was in the best place possible come what may. In my situation we got back together when he was well again. I know recently when he was unwell he went off by himself for a while too as he was worried the effect it would have on me.

I can't tell you what uou should do but my advice would be focus on looking after yourself, let him know you are there for him if he needs you and take it one day at a time.

[TheTapir]

Thank you for your reply. I am not a patient person and I guess I just want a decision to be made so we can move on from this, however that may be. I guess I'll just have to let the situation continue for the moment and see what happens.

[AnxiousCarer]

I can understand, it was horrible the time I was in limbo when DH was poorly and wanted nothing to do with me, knowing he was poorly and not knowing what the future held. It worked out ok for us I hope it does for you too.