DD2 was born 7 weeks premature 8 weeks ago. DD1 is 2 and a half and was born 12 weeks premature. With DD1 I had severe PND and PTSD. This time around I struggled in the beginning with depression and anxiety but I knew it was likely to happen so had things in place so I started taking anti depressants right away and I started CBT last week. I am feeling much better in that respect but one thing I can't shake is that I'm so jealous of anyone who is pregnant. I felt this way after DD1 and I'm still feeling it after DD2.
A friend at work is 37 weeks pregnant and while I'm excited for her I'm so jealous that she is at a stage of pregnancy that I've never experienced. Another work friend text me yesterday to tell me she's pregnant and while my initial reaction was the be happy for her (and I of course text my congratulations and asked lots of excited questions), afterwards I just felt sad.
I feel like I was cheated of those final weeks of pregnancy. I wanted to be huge and uncomfortable and impatiently waiting for labour. I wanted to keep having braxton hicks and get all excited that this is it. Instead when my contractions started it was something to fear. Even with DD2 being born at 33 weeks and knowing she was stronger and healthier than DD1 was and in effect it was "okay" that I was going into preterm labour because I'd got 5 weeks further, it was still scary and unknown. But aside from that, my entire second pregnancy was filled with anxiety. Of course I was excited but it wasn't a magical experience as it was with DD1 (up to the point I went into labour). I will never and can never feel that excitement of pregnancy again. I remember being pregnant with DD1 and feeling "special" at the fact that I was creating life. I felt completely elated at what my body was doing and so excited for what the future would bring. Of course she is here and she is well and we have that future I wanted but the 9 traumatic weeks in NICU affected me and changed my perspective. I didn't get to see my baby when she was born, I was separated from her for the first 36 hours, I didn't hold her for four days, I had to leave her every night for 9 weeks. That wasn't the magical future I had hoped for. And when she came home, when we should have been able to draw a line under it and start enjoying parenthood, that's when depression really hit and my mental health ruined that experience too. It ruined much of the first year. I worry it's ruined her.
I am happy for my friends but I'm so envious of the excitement they have. I know I'm not the only one to have had premature babies or pregnancy complications and I am one of the lucky ones to have not experienced the loss of a child. My girls are healthy and they are here and for that I am eternally grateful. But I am still affected by their journey's, especially DD1s (as she was much earlier, much sicker and in hospital for much longer) and I am still jealous when I see pregnant women. I don't want to feel this way but I don't know how not to.
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Mental health
Jealous of pregnant friends
7 replies
Itsaplayonwords · 10/08/2016 19:38
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