AIBU to wish I was dead instead of a murder victim?

[MissPebblesFlinstone]

I am feeling quite nervous writing this post. Not sure why.

Recently in the news, there was a cafe attack by ISIS (or so they claim) in a third world country. This country is my country of birth, I lived and went to a school there for many years. My parents and one of my siblings still live there. I come from quite a dysfunctional family. Mom a textbook narc and my dad is honestly the same. They take turns in enabling each other I think. As you may have guessed, I am the scapegoat.

So during this cafe attack, someone that my siblings know through a cousin of ours was murdered. Really lovely, sweet girl. I never knew her but my heart breaks for every single person who suffered at the hands of these animals. But I sort of got obsessed with this victim, wanting to read and know everything about her life. My sisters (who I do not speak to due to a lot of manipulation and abuse) were saying to my mom (who passed this on) that they were so devastated that such a beautiful, happy, lovely human being should die this way. I am equally devasted. But there is a horrible part of me that knows that if I had been in that cafe, if I had been murdered brutally murdered, they would never say these lovely, kind things about me. No one would. My funeral would be empty and not a single soul would miss my face. I am unloveable.

I keep fantasising about going back there if/when this cafe opens again and hoping it happens to me, that I am brutally tortured and killed. But then there would be the indignity of my funeral, where no one cares, and no one comes.

I am disgusted with my self for making an innocent persons murder all about me. What kind of disgusting narcissistic thinks like this?

But in the papers, they showed scores of her friends and family mourning her, as they rightfully should. I also mourn all those innocent lives, particularly for some reason this girl specially. I feel like she didn't desrrve to die when so many are devastated by her death, whereas if I had died it would be a logical thing to happen. It would not impact anyone and not cause so many people such sadness. Her relatives do not deserve this. Mine would not care. My death would mean nothing and no one would be hurt.

AIBU to have these fantasies that I was dead? I am not ensioning masses of people showing up at a vigil for me or anything. But I am part of the Earth, and I belong to the soil. For once, I belong. I am at peace.

My head is all over the place.

AIBU?

[FuckJeffGoldblumMan]

You need to speak to a therapist of some kind as these thoughts aren't normal. You know that though, RL help is what you need

[bluebelle2662]

Please seek help from your GP.

[puglife15]

I'm sorry to read you feel this way.Everway is loveable and deserving of love.

It sounds like you have dangerously low self esteem and depression - please talk to your doctor or another health professional you trust.

Do you have any other family or friends?

[MidnightVelvettheSixth]

There would be people who would mourn your passing. Do you have a partner? Children?

I agree withJeff these intrusive thoughts are not normal & you need to get real life help to come to terms with your childhood & its repercussions.

Be kind to yourself, its dreadful that the girl died but your life is just as valid as hers.

[Dutchcourage]

have you got much support in RL?

I think you should go and see your GP and have a chat x

[BillSykesDog]

It sounds like you are still struggling with the after effects of an abusive childhood. You need to work this out and I agree with other posters that you need to seek professional help and therapy to deal with it.

[acasualobserver]

I don't think the input of well-meaning amateurs is what you need. Speak to a properly qualified person. Best wishes to you.

[Pawprintz]

You write so beautifully and so movingly.

You do sound lost and depressed. Feeling unloved and unimportant is very difficult.

I wish you all the best, but do recommend therapy. It helped me a lot when I felt like you do now.

[WorraLiberty]

I second the fact you sound as though you need professional help.

[NovemberInDailyFailLand]

I think this is a very upsetting and frightening event, and it is only natural that, in this situation, we reflect upon our own lives. Perhaps, subconsciously, you are wondering: "Why her and not me?"
This would be a very good starting point to begin therapy for your traumatic childhood, and to make sense of your feelings. It's not your fault that your family were abusive, but you don't have to spend the rest of your life suffering emotionally because of it.

[IggyPopsicle]

OP I really do think you should speak to your GP. Hope you are OK

[tiredofbadwifi]

I used to feel like this a lot. It is horrible, and heartbreaking. Remember you are worth something. You are loved, whether you know it or not and you will be alright whether you believe it or not. Please, ask your doctor for help. Soldiering through this kind of thing alone is not a good idea. Please, ask your doctor for help

[EarthboundMisfit]

Pop over to the Stately Homes thread in Relationships. You will find your people xxxxx

[gonetoseeamanaboutadog]

Whatever you feel is ok. You don't need to worry about if it's wrong or right. That said, your thoughts and feelings suggest that you're in a difficult place right now and need to talk it through with a professional.

[bibbitybobbityyhat]

I mean this in the nicest possible way, but this thread does not belong in AIBU.

[SENPARENT]

MissPebbles YANBU and you are not unlovable but you need to be kind to yourself and seek professional help. It is not normal to have thoughts like these.
Take care MissPebbles. Seek help and learn to love yourself.
I hope you find peace of mind soon.

[toomuchinternets]

You know what, she may have felt like you did. Often funerals are full of wailing people who barely even knew the person!

You need to work on your self esteem, I'm sure you would be missed x

[jellyrolly]

You do sound in the grip of at least dreadful anxiety, please do as posters suggest and speak to your GP. Of course these thoughts don't make you a dreadful person, you recognise that they are just that - thoughts. You will be surprised how common a later reaction, or a trigger like this, can bring up childhood trauma. A good therapist will see this and help you through. I'm sorry your family have treated you so badly.

[EveOnline2016]

I think you need to speak to your gp.

I'm sure you would be missed very much but those who love and care about you.

It wasn't till after I was saved after taking a overdose that I realised how loved I was and the amount of people who was there for me and I thank my lucky stars that I failed on killing myself.

[Upthetree100]

MissPebbles YABU whoever you are and whatever your story, you are worth something and you are loveable whether you feel this way or not. I am sure there are lots of people who love you and would miss you. Yes bad things do happen and it's heartbreaking but there is also a vast amount of beauty on this earth and you are part of it, you cannot allow irrational thoughts to defeat you.

I can't pretend to ever know what it feels like in your mind right now the closest I can relate is that I have been the victim of anxiety attacks in the past. After overcoming the nightmare I thought I never would, it has made me stronger and better equipped should it happen again. I wish you the same OP and hope you overcome this and it makes you so much stronger.

Do you have any RL support? And are you speaking with a professional? Do your family know you feel this way, could they possibly not realise you feel this way?

[Iloveowls2]

I'm sure you would be very much missed. Please seek RL help and speak to your GP. Wishing you well and hope you the find the happiness you deserve

[DawnMumsnet]

Hi MissPebbles,

We hope you don't mind, but we thought now would be a good time to add a link to our Mental Health resources here. There are plenty of organisations listed in our webguide that could offer you support.

We can see you're getting some good advice here and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek real life help and support as well.

We're going to move this thread to the Mental Health section shortly.

Best wishes from all at MNHQ.