I am a misery

[Iamamisery]

That's what I am. My parents called me it when I was a child. I have a memory of being on holiday with them when I was 14 - my dad told me to stop being a misery. It's true, I've never been able to hide how I feel. At the time I felt I was a huge PITA but in hindsight I think I was just bored. There was a gulf of distance between me and my parents - never been able to feel too close to my mum. Always felt she was concentrating on being close to my difficult dad or kind of preening and posing.
Anyway sorry that sounded like the beginning of a book but just wanted to give a bit more insight. I've been depressed and anxious on and off through my life and had low self esteem and picked terrible mismatched men for relationships.
I am married now with a young daughter. Had serious pnd and counselling for depression and esteem issues. Have in laws that are very insecure and fickle and a mil that plays them off against each other. She has shared private issues with other family members and I feel like I'm an utter dickhead when I'm around her. You know you get an energy from people, some make you feel good and others make you feel like youre an outcast?
I'm not even sure what the point is I'm getting at. I have spent much of my daughters life wishing I was dead. She really pushes boundaries behaviourally with me but is very easygoing with her dad. I know this may be normal but as I'm often so fragile and useless I struggle with her. Husband knows his family are difficult and doesn't get as involved as the rest of his siblings. He is fed up with my outlook on life however.
How do I change?? How do I become happy. I feel like I was born a miserable, useless waste of space.

[AnxietySertraline]

Have you talked to your gp?

[Iamamisery]

Yes I have a lovely gp. Was on anti depressants for two years but came off when I felt more "normal". Have most recently spoken to her about my anxiety but don't want anymore medication. Just want to be a more balanced person somehow

[crazydil]

Is there anything that you do that is just for you? Any hobbies or outings once in awhile that is for your enjoyment? How much private time do you have for yourself?