So disappointed but I can't stop myself

[Iusedtobehappy]

I need to do something a bit unhealthy and really stupid. A poor coping method. I thought I had kicked this. I'm been changing my life. I've been coping for over 2 weeks now. But I am just hit with how huge everything is and it's the only way to cope. I'm so fucking annoyed. It's like needing a cigarette (haven't smoked in 10 years but that what it reminds me of). It's all I can think about.

Fucking useless. Is this who I am now.

[girlsmum1510]

Don't be too hard on yourself.

I'm back to being unwell, which has come as a shock after being well for so long.
I'll admit alcohol has been crutch this weekend and I will use the gym now during the week.

It's not who you are xxxx

[Iusedtobehappy]

Thank you girlsmum. It's taken months to get right ADs and right dose. I thought things were getting better.

No one in RL (besides medical professionals) knows how I cope. I am so ashamed.

I'm sorry you are feeling unwell too. Mental illness sucks.

[girlsmum1510]

It does suck you are very right.
I've been well for nearly four years 😕 . This week it has hit me harder than ever.

Don't be ashamed keep posting here or pm me. Xxx

[Iusedtobehappy]

After four years that's tough. But actually feeling bad now doesn't take away from how well you must have been doing to manage so long. You can do it again. Maybe you'll just need help to get there.

Have seen your thread. You start ADs tomorrow did you say? I've had a lot of talk about not feeling ashamed of ADs from GP etc.

I might try that podcast someone mentioned in your thread.

[sooty42]

So sorry that you're feeling so crap right now. When I relapse I too have some destructive coping mechanisms, which I hate, but struggle to control at the time. I'm living with the consequences of some negative behaviour right now and I truly regret it.
I can assure you that this will pass and it doesn't define who you are as a person . Please be kind to yourself !

[Iusedtobehappy]

Thanks sooty. I do wonder if people get over anxiety/depression?. I mean completely.

As soon as I started feeling bad I was straight back to same stupid thing. I thought I'd found better ways of dealing but I just hadn't been feeling so bad. And now I'm back to where I was.

Ho hum. Just got to keep going.

[sooty42]

I don't know whether depression or anxiety ever truly go away. I have had both for over 20 years. But you can learn to live alongside them, and not allow them to define you totally. They are an illness like any other, you wouldn't get a diabetic beating themselves up about having a high blood sugar. So why should we hate ourselves when our brain chemistry gets out of control ? And causes us to behave in strange ways.

[DianaMitford]

Can I join? I am really struggling at the moment and I don't know why. I have bipolar disorder and I can't seem to keep on top of the meds (they make me sleepy). Things have gone from bad to worse and the illness is increasing in severity. I'm regularly indulging in risk-taking behaviours and drinking far too much. The last three nights I've been out and I didn't even want to drink the bloody alcohol but it's the only way I know how to cope.
I ended up sobbing last night and making myself vomit which is a fairly new thing for me but it happens when I'm ill. I should be seeing a psychiatrist again in the next week or two but I'm scared they won't understand how bad things are for me. My house is sliding into chaos, I can't concentrate to work properly and I swing between not eating or sleeping for days then crashing and sleeping 14 hour stretches.

God, just writing that all down makes me sound insane I don't know how to cope any more.

So sorry to hear others are struggling with MH issues too. It's really rubbish

[sooty42]

Don't be too hard on yourself, it's the illness and not you. But please try to stay safe especially with alcohol. Could you maybe get your psych app brought forward? and don't be frightened to tell them how you feel. Sometimes it doesn't seem like they understand so it might be useful to write down exactly how you feel and take that in to your appointment with you.
Sending you lots of good thoughts!

[Iusedtobehappy]

Hi Diana. You don't sound insane. You sound like you are having a very tough time just now. I hope things get better for you soon. I haven't any words of wisdom to offer up but I see sooty has posted too.

I hope tonight has been a better night.

[BeingHuman]

you don't sound insane.

[girlsmum1510]

Morning

Diana, don't be to hard on yourself, the housework can wait. I feel things sliding too lately.

I started my citalopram yesterday, just 10mg but I'm desperate to take 20 as being impatient. No alcohol and I slept a little better! Had my first cbt assessment, it's the first time I've spoken out loud about what's bothering me and I felt a little better that she didn't tell me to not be stupid.

Hope you all had decent evenings and sleep.

[LifeIsGoodish]

Hey, OP, cut yourself some slack! You coped for two weeks without using the unhealthy strategy. That is good! That is a step in the right direction. That is proof to you that you can do this.

Real life, unfortunately, is not like the films, where the solution once applied fixes everything all at once, and the hero strides into the new dawn knowing her life will be roses from now on.

It's baby steps. With a stagger to the side, and even a stumble backwards. And that's OK. Because you'll get there in the end - you've proved that you can.

So forgive yourself. "I stumbled. It happened. OK, I regret what I did, but now I'm going to try again."

[Iusedtobehappy]

Aw, girlsmum, I'm sure she didn't think you were being stupid if something is bothering you then it's important. Well done for telling someone. Good that you're getting help.

LifeIsGoodish thanks for your message. It's exactly what I would want to say to someone else. Funny how we are much tougher on ourselves. And I haven't done said thing since so I haven't completely slipped back to where I was before.

I've eaten more food than is ideal but right now that is less harmful!

[girlsmum1510]

The date of my situation has been pencilled in. It could be much longer than I thought.
I've just gone out in the car and screamed and screamed and screamed, my throat is now red raw. But the end could well be over by mid august which is positive and leave us to enjoy our summer holiday we have booked.

I'm terrified, literally. I need to tell my husband how I feel and I don't want a fight. Shall I write him a card with the words I need to say?
I'll miss him, the only thing I'm scared of is the loneliness and the physical ache I have when he isn't here at night? Or shall I leave a little note for bed time tonight to explain. I support his work but I'm terrified of being lonely again

[Iusedtobehappy]

I'm so sorry to read your post girlsmum. I hope you found some peace last night. Did you talk to your husband? Does he understand how you feel? Is there anything you can do to help make it easier while he is away? I hope you are ok.

[girlsmum1510]

I did and he was wonderful. Situation a whole lot better. Although i appreciate I do need to deal with what day causes these feelings.

How are you Op? I've highjacked your thread, I'm sorry I genuinely didn't mean to do that xx

[Iusedtobehappy]

Glad things are better.

No worries on the highjack. My life is rather a shambles, it is probably good for me to think about someone else!