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DH in crisis again. Not sure I can help this time

(7 Posts)
confusedandemployed Fri 20-May-16 08:15:00

DH has fairly serious but undiagnosed mental health problems. My own entirely unqualified opinion is some sort of BPD. And OCD as well, almost certainly.

Finally last night I managed to get him to see that he absolutely has to talk to any bugger that will listen: Mind, Rethink, GP, private counsellor - literally anyone.

We are stuck in this cycle of crisis, my somehow managing to talk him down, feeling better then slowly back to crisis. When he's bad it's all my fault: I am dreadful to live with, I undermine him at every turn, I'm horrible etc etc. By the time he's out of crisis he's remorseful and apologises.

But each time it happens a little bit of my love for him leaves me. I'm not sure there's very much left. My previous DP was a depressive alcoholic, he died after 3 years together. Sounds awful but on some level I was relieved. Only a few years later I take up with someone even more troubled.

We have a 3yo DD who is displaying a clear preference for me and I can't tell whether it's just the usual mummy's girl phase or something deeper. I don't know whether she would be better off if he left at this stage.

Truth is, I don't know where to turn now. Any wise words will be welcome and anyone who is coping / has coped with similar, please come and advise. sad

NanaNina Fri 20-May-16 12:47:05

Oh god the first stop for your DH is the GP. OK he won't want to go but he HAS to go and you have to be firm and not take NO for an answer. He needs to be diagnosed - having said that GPs ime don't know a great deal about mental illness and can only really diagnose depression and anxiety. It needs a consultant psychiatrist for anything more complex. Mind and Re-think/private counsellor can't diagnose. Is there any mental illness in his family? When you say BPD do you mean bipolar disorder of borderline PD. If the latter it's a bit of a bugger because it's a sort of "catch all" diagnosis and the aren't really any meds for the condition.

I think your DD is picking up on her dad's moods/state of mind. I always think children are very good at this, so it's small wonder she is showing a preference for you.

sadie9 Fri 20-May-16 13:01:38

It is really about being practical with yourself on the amount of support that you can reasonably be expected to provide to him. If he has no other form of support then you provide all the support.
So it is about saying to him that you love him, he is really important to you, however you feel he needs forms of support when he is in crisis that you cannot provide. You are not a trained counsellor - and even if you were you would not counsel a close family member.
If he is blaming your continuously then it is verbal and emotional abuse territory.
It is very draining alright having to manage someone who refuses/can't see their own behaviour. And have to manage your own life, small children as well.
People who are very emotionally engaged cannot notice their own behaviour. They only feel their feelings and their eyes are blind at that point. They can only see something from one limited perspective of 'the world wot done me wrong I wouldn't be like this if....'.
They can benefit hugely from being taught skills to be able to increase self-awareness regardless of what mood they are in. So it is about them learning to notice their moods, notice their behaviour and their thought pattern and how it changes from mood to mood and to also ensure their treatment of others remains the same no matter what the mood.
It is difficult. If the amount of support he demands from you outstrips your capacity to cope, then he either has to go elsewhere for support. If he refuses you have no option but to protect yourself by maybe leaving him or at least stating you won't engage with him when he is in a mood swing cycle.

Bearsinmotion Fri 20-May-16 13:21:48

Not got much time to reply, but I have / am somewhere similar, although DP is now on medication (has had an OCD diagnosis for a long time now) and things are getting much, much better. It's a very long process though, and will only start if he decides to seek help. Will try and post more later...

confusedandemployed Sat 21-May-16 07:09:59

Thanks all.

He has finally accepted he must see the GP as a first step. This weekend I need to work on persuading him to try the ADs they will almost certainly prescribe. My GP friend has told him he needs to give first line treatment a try or the psychiatric services will not accept a GP referral.

I swear I'll bloody kill him if all he's needed all these years is ADs 😂

sooperdooper Sat 21-May-16 07:17:42

I feel for you, my DH ended up in a terrible state before he woud see anyone about his mental health and it's utterly draining to try and deal with alone.

I ended up calling an ambulance when he was at his worse but wouldn't admit it - tbh it's very normal for a person suffering with mh issues not to recognise their behaviour isn't right.

Anyway, I called an ambulance without telling him and told them everything - they arrived, could see he wasn't well and he reacted brilliantly with them, he was seen by the mental health team at the hospital and they really helped.

Not an ideal way of dealing with it but at that low point I felt it was my only choice

FoofooLeSnoo Sun 29-May-16 22:29:21

Hi Op, I was wondering how it's going with your partner now? I'm going through a very similar thing with my Dh, I've just posted in relationships. It's really hard when they don't have the insight to recognise what's behind their hostility towards the relationship.

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