what is depression like for you?

[wonderwoo]

This is my first post. I wondered if anybody would mind describing what depression is like for them, particularly if it is more on the mild side? How does it feel, how does it affect you, how does it affect your behaviour and relationships?

I wonder if I have depression. If I do, it is mild, and I have been affected by it for a long time. I think my GP suspects it too, as she often asks about my mood. For a bit of background, I have a chronic illness which makes life difficult for me and has limited my life a lot for a long time. This obviously affects my mood and behaviour. And also I have a past history of family problems and am NC with a few members of my family which of course has affected me greatly.

I have read lists of symptoms of depression, but I struggle to know if I fit into the description or not. I read a post on here earlier about how helpful AD can be, and I found myself crying. It obviously hit a nerve. I wonder if I have actually been depressed mildly for a long time, and things that I thought were just me are actually symptoms/signs of depression.

Any experience from others would be much appreciated. Thank you.

[NanaNina]

I think probably it's different for all of us, both in terms of severity and the symptomology. Mine is intermittent but can be severe. When it hits me I feel empty, closed down, no motivation, no interest in anything, flat, lifeless, don't want to interact with anyone (only DP) want to stay under the duvet. Prolonged bouts of crying.

I should imagine that with a chronic illness you are likely to feel depressed, but I wouldn't worry about fitting into a particular description. Why not talk to your GP and she may offer meds or some sort of therapy. It's usually CBT which suits some and not others.

[FlowersAndShit]

Mine is a feeling of despair, dread and doom. It can come in waves and sometimes the only thing I can do to escape it is sleep.

[esiotrot2015]

My dh had severe depression
He had no appetite
Lost a lot of weight
Faked illnesses so he could stay in bed all day
Endless worrying about life , what to do in the future , what people thought of him
No interest in the things he used to enjoy

[scribbles1980]

Dread of the future
No hope
No enjoyment in anything
Not wanting to socialise
Wanting to sleep
Loss of interest in self/house
Overeating

[Hatefeelingdown]

Everything feels like too much effort
No energy for something
Wanting to just sleep all day
Over eating, but not feeling satisfied by food

[ILovePies]

No energy,
Not looking after myself properly (keeping house tidy, getting dressed)
Crying at a lot.
No self worth (feeling like I'm not good enough for anyone)

[KittyandTeal]

My depression is like nothingness. Utterly empty. I cannot feel anything.

It's like my brain pulls shutters down around parts of my brain and I can't access them.

Physically I get very tired, everything seems like a huge effort. I sometimes get aches and headaches in particular. I can't think straight and it's a bit like having a fog in my head.

I am diagnosed with bipolar II and eating disorders so I can't comment of food/eating as I can't distinguish between them.

[exWifebeginsat40]

I have major depressive disorder (along with anxiety, BPD and suicidal ideation) and am on a lot of medication.

I can feel when my depression is ramping up as the first thing to go is my concentration. I can't read a book, or watch a movie. I can't even get through a 30 minute tv programme.

my sleep gets disrupted and my eating disorder is magnified. I feel hopeless and...just grey.

talk to your GP. there is no shame in needing help, or meds if they might help you.

[idlevice]

When I went to see a psychiatrist, she told me that if you have been suffering from depression for a long time, mild or otherwise, it is very difficult to have a perspective on it as that state has become ones new everyday reality & normality - which made sense to me & sounds like it may the case with you OP.

When I finally tried meds there were one or two positive behaviours which I realised I'd used to do but they had totally gone as the depression took hold. I also had the numbness & another thing I noticed after taking the meds was a strange buzzy feeling one time when I was getting DS2 up from a nap & I eventually had to conclude this new feeling must be what people call "happiness". So it would definitely be worth exploring for you.

A lot of the time I had a sadness which felt like Mozart's Requiem playing in my head. Other times I felt down in a hole with everyone & everything "normal" going about their business above me but I couldn't get up there - a version of the classic Sylvia Plath "Bell Jar" feeling. When out & about my self-loathing made me feel as if I were a dirty, filthy vagrant who was trespassing at a swanky cocktail party; everyone else was dressed perfectly for the occasion & they were looking horrified at me - a smelly, disgusting, cretinous sub-human creature. It all sounds a bit melodramatic/teenage-poetry-like but I remember the despair of it all too clearly.

[wonderwoo]

Thank you all for your replies. It is really is much appreciated. I hope you are all in a better place now.

I can identify with some of the symptoms such as feeling despair, no hope, dread of the future but this was when I was very depressed when I was a teenager. I don't feel like that now so much, but a lot of what has been said does describe me... lack of concentration, not feeling happiness, little interest in doing things, self loathing, not looking after myself, worrying a lot, crying, feeling flat and wanting to hide away from everybody. I am also get angry too easily. I have been like this a long time, and am just not sure what is me, what is part of my chronic illness and what could be a mild, but very chronic depression. I don't want to take medication without being sure because I take lots of other medication and am so tired of the ups and downs of side effects. It feels like it contributes a lot to me not feeling like myself (whoever that is!).

You have given me more insight and something to ponder so thank you all.

[dangermouseisace]

I have severe depression. It is worthwhile noting that anti depressants have only been shown to be effective (as in more effective than a placebo) in those with moderate/severe depression. For mild depression other methods of counteracting it are meant to be more effective. It might be worthwhile seeking out those that fit with your chronic illness, especially if you are keen to avoid any medications. E.g. counselling, yoga, mindfulness meditation, exercise. Sometimes some of these things, if you are very lucky, can be accessed via your GP. I know someone who was prescribed an intensive mindfulness course to help with chronic back pain/injury.

I find that anti depressants can get me up to a very basic level of functioning, and that exercise or even just getting outdoors helps boost that. Yoga has also been helpful- there are loads of different types of yoga out there for everyone.

It is common for those with chronic ill health to get depression in some form, the two are related.

[lazyminimoo]

Well i feel angry and irritable a lot and very jealous of others that makes me cry so much an want to end my life as i know for fact I'll never be happy content ect I think tio much and that's partly why i am mostly feeling down.i think I'm making myself depressed . My partner says i seem to want something to worry about as soon as one big scary worry is sorted an i feel relieved about it being over i feel happy kinda but then i start thinking about my life an it's like i need something to focus on so i need a worry to spend time on as i think maybe it's boredom that i can't sit back an not think as it's bit boring life is boring so i think about it and something comes up for me to worry about so I'm not bored anymore and have something to do sort of. I got social anxiety an can't see ppl i get scared of seeing family were not close. I feel so down a lot the time about how I'm missing out on things In life as life ment be fun exciting not boring and a struggle just to talk to ppl. So really i feel like none else has it si bad as me. Everyone else gets over they're problems ppl don't stay down forever but I'm so down because i know for fact I'll never be happy always feel sorry for myself as I'm missing out on things . But it's my own doing if i only made an effort i could maybe have some of the things others do but i just can't even try i have given up hope of things changing well never had hope ialways felt things are impossible for me i am broken record an never happy my mum has given up on me ever bein normal as i used to get down talk about killing myself a lot since 10. Tried to kill myself 3 x but haven't an probly won't agsin as i have a son i don't want to be that selfish but i was selfish when i tried inn the past i didn't give much thought to it affecting my parents. I just cant cope with normal life i know that so i don't even try to change i am just bleak person with negative outlook i suppose. I am not severely depressed all i know is i don't enjoy life My son sees me cry a lot an i tell him how i feel. Its not right not ok but i can't see how i can stop being mean . I can be happy in a way but I'm also down at the same time if makes any sense if anyone asks me how i am In my head I'm thinking not good not happy so fed up by life .it's always in my head underneath even when i laugh I'm thinking about it just wish tio be someone else mostly. I always really think iv got it worse then everyone else maybe that's my jealousy problem but even ppl who have problems depression ect i am jealous off as they still have ppl they are close to they are not me so they lucky. I know its maybe not true but i always feel I got the worst life worst luck worst family worst petsonality so I'm always got something to be jealous of someone else for. Perhaps I'm not depressed just deeply unhappy actually but id rather have treatable depression then be me where I'm just so unhappy and can't change it as its always been the way i Am never happy never content always upset about something get upset way easy sensitive ect hate myself for the way i turned out

[LucyBabs]

lazyminimoo Please don't ever think feeling suicidal is selfish. It's wanting the pain to end. It doesn't mean you don't love your family

[Jajagabour100]

Hi OP, hope you don't mind me posting my experience. I am extremely depressed and have been for the past 2 1/2 years. Before that, the depression I had experienced was only for a short amount of time and never this severe.

3 years ago, I was ambitious; working in a fulfilling job; a keen runner; fit; lots of confidence; a great balance in my life, in that I was working p/t and looking after my son. I was just happy. Then we moved out of the city to the country. I lost my job, couldn't make any friends and because I don't drive, I was stuck. We moved because my ex dh suggested it. We struggling with debt and it would have been a great place to save money. And, we were near his family. Then, I got pregnant, had a missed miscarriage, then got pregnant again.

My ex started to behave differently, then he began an emotional affair with somebody else (have no idea if it was ever physical), fell in love with her and decided to let me know at 12 weeks pregnant, that he wanted a separation.

The depression hit me and hasn't left. I'm with the kids the majority of the time and feel so stuck. It's the lack of energy and motivation that gets me. From somebody that used to have loads of energy to having very little. I feel fat and ugly. My bulimia and binge eating has come back with a vengeance.

I feel very lost :-(