how to help my DD

[wearymum73]

My DD20 has recently admitted she has been suffering from depression for years, but I could never get her to the doctors before. She had been on some AD's for 6 weeks, went back to the doctors and is now also taking beta blockers for anxiety but still she can not get out of bed and sleeps all day.
She was working from leaving school full time for 3 years, but quit to started a college course in September, that started really well, but the pressure became to much, and her course has been deferred until September.
Now she does not have the college course, and quit her Saturday job, she has nothing to get up for, so she doesn't.
I feel like she's just laying in bed each day, waiting for the meds to kick in, and then she will want to get out of bed. I think she needs some things do to each day, to get up, shower, or do something like go for a walk. But what can I help her to do, she is refusing to go to councilling, will not go to the shop even if I ask her to get milk while I'm at work.
How can I help her?

[Marchate]

Mine is similar, left school at 16, worked 2 years, signed off work for 9 months now. She seldom goes out either

She got so anxious and agitated I took her to A&E (she asked me to take her) Since then she has been diagnosed with other conditions and has been in psychiatric hospital

I feel I do everything wrong, but for what it's worth, I advise you not to pressurise her. Even going to the shop might be much, much more than she can cope with. Ask her if she wants to go out rather than suggesting she does. Sometimes she might say Yes

Has she always been anxious?

[wearymum73]

Marchate I'm sorry to hear your DD has spent time in hospital, was that to get her medication correct, did they teach her some skills to help manage her anxiety?
She's been suffering anxiety since year 10, and did not sit any GCSEs as she could not attend school. But putting the extra pressure of trying to go to college was too much for her.
Thanks I will said asking her if she wants to go to the shop, she went with me the other night, so maybe I need to start going out with her for a while.
Is there anything I can do to help her get out of bed each day, should I leave a list of things she could do if she feels strong enough, or is just leaving her and letting her decide only way at the moment.
I feel so sad, she's not left the house (other than with me Saturday night) for over 3 weeks, or even got out of bed. She's not even watching Netflix anymore, just laying there on her phone all day.

[NanaNina]

It's very tempting to stay in bed when depression gets bad, because it sucks the life out of us and we have zero motivation. Having said that it isn't good to stay in bed all day. I stay in bed till lunchtime then get up and shower/clean teeth etc and get through the day the best way I can, sometimes lying on the sofa all afternoon, and then I usually pick up in the evening.

I don't think putting pressure on your DD is a good idea, though you could always ask if she feels able to get up and have a bath/shower, and go back to bed if she wants to. It's difficult to explain the torment of mental illness - it's like there's a stranger occupying your brain/mind. I certainly wouldn't leave a list - too much pressure. I know some people who stay in bed most days and haven't left the house in months, so it's early days yet. Try not to worry too much. She will get better in time.

[Marchate]

Don't leave lists. It will upset her

She probably can't face getting out of bed. Think how difficult it is if you are sick or have a migraine. It will be equally bad for your daughter

Mine saw the psychiatrist one morning and was asked to go in for observation. She was in hospital for several weeks. I don't think it helped, but she doesn't say much about it so who knows

You will have to accept things you don't much like, tolerate behaviour you didn't previously. Even though it's 'obvious' she'd be better off having a walk and some fresh air, the thought is possibly too much for her

I don't feel I can be very helpful, other than being in a similar position

[wearymum73]

Perhaps list was the wrong word, I didn't mean a list of choirs, I thought more of a suggestion list of things she could enjoy doing if she felt strong enough to get out of bed, playing with the hamster, having a bath, etc (?)
It is helping thank you, I have no one to talk to about this, and I have no understanding of how difficult it is for her.
The replies are helping me understand.

[Marchate]

I didn't think you meant chores, don't worry

The ideas would probably upset her. You will get used to it! One thing maybe. Two will look like too much. More than that will seem like climbing Ben Nevis

She is not thinking rationally. She will know all these things need doing, but the obstacle between thought and action is enormous

Everything seems negative until you learn how to look at them in a different way. Because what you don't want is conflict, especially accidental conflict when you are only trying to help

[RockUnit]

Would your DD be willing to try counselling via telephone or email? That way she won't have to get up and about, which would be a barrier removed.

On this page of the MIND website you can download a PDF. It "explains depression, including possible causes and how you can access treatment and support. Includes tips for helping yourself, and guidance for friends and family."

Here is some advice for family and friends from the Depression Alliance