My last resort....

[IthinkIamsinking]

I have been a MN regular but deactivated a while back.
Here I am again. I don't even know if I can out into words what I need to say but I just need someone to listen.
I am late 40's, overweight, ugly and full to the brim of utter self loathing.
I am married but don't think I want to be anymore but am not sure of my mindset is clouding my judgment. We haven't had sex in two years. I don't care much for intimacy and have no sex drive at all. Not bothered about kissing or cuddling. I never instigate affection. I don't even know why he stays with me.
I lost my dad suddenly in an accident when I was a mid teen. We were so very close.
My mum and I have had a difficult r'ship over the years but it has improved. I am terrified daily of losing her and any other family member. I think about death (not mine) often and it terrifies me.
I am on AD's and sleeping pills.
I have two children one of whom had cancer when she was very young. She is ok now. She is my world and I am stricken at the thought of her leaving home which will happen in October next year. I haven't really bonded with my other child and this torments me.
I have tried hypnotherapy and the guy said he couldn't help me after about 8 sessions and cut me off. I fucking failed at that to didnt I.

I don't know what to do.
I can't cope with day to day life but I do..... there is no other option.

Inside my head I am sobbing. If something good happens I can't enjoy it because.... what's the point

Can anyone relate to this post?

[TealLove]

Im so sorry you don't like yourself.
You are worthy and have a family who loves you.
Have you ever had treatment for depression before? X

[IthinkIamsinking]

Yes, once. This is how pathetic I am.... I am grateful you even replied. A stranger who has reached out.

[TealLove]

No. You are not pathetic. You are hurting and you are doing what you can.
I have been there. I just took it minute by minute, I chose any better thought that I could at that time. I curled up in a ball. I tried to accept myself.
You can do it too. Keep talking. I'm listening to you. X