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suicidal thoughts- pregnant

(27 Posts)
kiwikaterpillar Mon 08-Feb-16 03:43:43

I have typed and deleted and re-typed this so many times. I guess that if I push "post" then I have to acknowledge this and face up to it but I'm scared of what that means and what will happen. Apologies for the length... I'm not really up to succinct and composed.
So today I have been fantasising about killing myself. Just walking into the sea and never coming back. I know this is very wrong and I won't do it as I couldn't do that to my 2yr old DD but I just feel so helpless and so so tired.
I am 31 + weeks pregnant... Haven't slept more than 3hrs of broken sleep in over 3 months due to nighttime nausea and vomiting and to cap it off have been in crutches since before Christmas due to SPD (which also makes sleeping very uncomfortable). I have been trying to be strong and holding it together but I feel at breaking point. I only have 3 more weeks at work but in those weeks I have to cover my role, my colleagues (who is on leave) and try and train my parental cover on some of the more technical aspects of my role. My job is a demanding city type job and I'm terrified of making a huge error as I can't concentrate or to be seen as being weak. I work in a mainly male environment and some colleagues love to pounce on anything that can be perceived as a reason to demonstrate women aren't capable in the role. I worked so hard to be here and I feel like I'm either going to lose it all by stuffing up or even worse just completely breaking down and cracking up.
I have not been able to stop crying today. I feel so alone and helpless and can't stop these horrible intruding thoughts. Then I look at my beautiful DD and feel so guilty for being like this when I know I am so much luckier than lots of other people. I am a nasty selfish person.
I'm scared to say anything to GP as I really don't want to take any medication and what if they take my DD or baby away? Then I would have nothing left.
I'm not sure why I'm typing this... I just wish I could sleep and then wake up and feel normal again.
No one knows how I feel. They all think I am doing fine. Type A personality. I guess I've been putting on a good front but I just can't go on like this anymore. I can't. Don't make me. I'm not waving, I'm drowning. My DH just thinks I need to relax. I am so angry with him. He doesn't get it. I don't get it. I just want it all to be over. Everything to go away. For me to go away. I miss my mum. God that sounds pathetic. I really wish she was still alive. You would think after 8yrs I would be over that. Guess I'm just weak and not as good as coping as I pretend to be. That's it really- I feel like I'm always living through someone else's eyes, pretending and hoping I don't get found out. I've not felt like this/as bad before and it terrifies me.
If you got this far thanks for reading. In not sure why I'm posting to be honest. Sorry.

FuckThisShitLetMeGo Mon 08-Feb-16 03:55:34

Oh love, I am just about to turn in but couldn't read & run ,you have so much on your plate I'm not surprised you feel overwhelmed !

I suffered depression & spd during pregnancy & also put on my " happy face" but eventually crumbled when my dd was 6m .
Please try to get some real life support,talk to your Gp & get signed off,I'm sure the pain from your spd would be enough if you are not yet up to talking about the depression?
thanks

FuckThisShitLetMeGo Mon 08-Feb-16 04:00:41

Also you are not a nasty selfish person,you are a hardworking lovely mum who is doing her best whilst suffering through a difficult job & pain in pregnancy !
Wish I could give you a hug op, it's horrible feeling like this but it will get better!! X

HalfStar Mon 08-Feb-16 04:02:57

You poor thing. Time to finish work, this is serious OP, it's time to go to the GP (who will have seen and heard it all before-remember that) and get that organised.
All of the rest - your job, male colleagues, Dh not getting it- can go on hold for now. All that can be tackled later but for now you need peace and rest.
Will you go to GP?

GossamerApronStrings Mon 08-Feb-16 04:17:11

You're an amazing person to be handling all this stress as well as you have on almost no sleep! Sleep deprivation is a very real form of torture!

I've had SPD with both DC and had bad PND/anxiety after my 1st. But I carried on until the anxiety returned in horrible intrusive thoughts when I was 6 months pregnant with my 2nd. I was in a stressful contract job where I had to prove myself, combined with a high risk pregnancy. I ended up breaking down in front of a midwife at a weekly check. But she'd seen it all before and was absolutely lovely. She referred me in for prenatal anxiety counselling and they could not have been kinder or more supportive. Just having someone to talk to IRL made such a difference. DH was much the "stiff upper lip" type and didn't see how it was crushing me. Be reassured, no one even came close to mentioning taking DD away, nor did they push medicine at me. Even when I let on how bad the PND had gotten after my first. They did give me a weekly appointment to chat and numbers to call, but generally were really very supportive. If you don't want to speak to your GP, perhaps consider your midwife team? But do speak to someone! And really push to get signed off early, the SPD alone should be enough cause. thanks

kiwikaterpillar Mon 08-Feb-16 04:23:52

Thank you so much for posting. Wasn't expecting responses as I know it's the very early hours over there. I think I'm scared to go to the GP and if I do that a process may start that I have no control over. I really don't want to take any medication- think that would make my anxiety even worse. I know that is silly but I just keep thinking/hoping that it will all just suddenly be ok. I had been hanging onto the hope I was finishing at work soon but this weekend ( a long one over here) has just been terrible. My DD has tonsillitis and hand foot and mouth so has been difficult and I just couldn't/can't cope. Just feel like I can't keep running on empty. DD has spent this afternoon asking why I'm sad and seeing her reaction is breaking my heart. Sorry for not being stronger.

BrumpyGollocks Mon 08-Feb-16 04:24:17

Please reach out for help op.
It's time to think a bit more about yourself and stop worrying about work!
I'm sure if your Dh realised how much pain you are in emotionally & physically he'd be more supportive ?

I suffered from spd during my pregnancies and was signed off at 27 weeks during my second, I'm not surprised you are struggling with work a work environment like that and a toddler whilst on crutches.

Feet up and rest for you as best you can from now on !thanks

alltheworld Mon 08-Feb-16 05:21:48

Get signed off on the basis of spd but please check if being signed off for a pregnancy related condition will trigger the start of your mat leave and if so get advice first maybe from the employment boards.
You are ill and you and your family come first

Holly34 Mon 08-Feb-16 05:50:11

please visit your GP today and get a sick note and kindly hand it into HR! Fuck this your health and well being is far far more important!! GET COUNSELLING ASAP PLEASE DONT WAIT thanksthanksthanksthanks

JennyBunn Mon 08-Feb-16 06:28:07

I had something very similar. I had severe PND after my first child (although looking back now, the depression first presented in pregnancy) and to cut a long story short, I was prescribed Sertraline and it was wonderful.

I had to come off the Sertraline when I was pregnant with my second child and things became horrendous. I too had intrusive thoughts, suicidal thoughts which were fleeting, but terrifying. I had a 2 year old that I wasn't coping with at all. I had horrific SPD again. I booked an early midwife appointment as I was aware that I needed help. My midwife was bloody useless and suggested aquanatal classes to help with the depression and just not to cross my legs as a remedy for SPD shock! I booked an appointment with my GP who was wonderful, he got me an appointment with a psychiatrist who ran a specialist antenatal clinic. The psychiatrist recommenced me on Sertraline and after about a week the clouds lifted again. DD2 was born safe and well.

I understand that it is really frightening to seek help, I waited for ages to get the help that I so desperately needed after DC1. But knowing that the help was available made it much easier to seek help in my next pregnancy.

Please, please feel free to PM me if I can help you at all. I wouldn't wish what I went through on anybody flowers

dangermouseisace Mon 08-Feb-16 19:20:02

OP please talk to your GP/midwife. They won't take your child/children away or even think of it. I had the same worry and it didn't anywhere near happen. If you're asking for help that is seen as a positive sign- and if you ask it is out there. There is so much more awareness of prenatal/postnatal depression and medication is often really effective. I had PND with DS2 and after 6 months of refusing meds I took them, and they worked in about a fortnight. It was amazing.

I really feel for you, working, already a mum AND with SPD. Go easy on yourself, you have got, as someone else already said, a massive amount on your plate. SPD on it's own is terrible- I remember being in tears with DS1 and I didn't even have depression at that time!!

As others have said, seeing someone should be your absolute priority.

kiwikaterpillar Tue 09-Feb-16 04:44:15

Thank you all for your messages and support, as silly as this may sound they have had me in tears- in a good way, to not feel so alone.
I phoned the dr this morning and have an appointment booked for Monday. They had no availability between now and then unless for an emergency. Just have to get through the next few days. Thanks again.

Baconyum Tue 09-Feb-16 05:19:32

Are you in new Zealand? I don't know the laws there but I suspect similar to UK as a 'westernised' country.

That being my assumption I think it highly unlikely there'd be a problem going to gp. Pre natal depression is very common and especially if you're under a lot of stress!

Please get help and support hopefully then your dp will realise the genuine seriousness of this.

Baconyum Tue 09-Feb-16 05:22:14

This site might be helpful
www.mothersmatter.co.nz/About-Us/default.asp

kiwikaterpillar Tue 09-Feb-16 05:29:51

Thanks for the link baconyum. I am from the UK but living in NZ (DH is a kiwi) and haven't heard of that organisation or website so will look into it. I appreciate you finding that out for me

Carbsnomore Tue 09-Feb-16 05:57:27

flowers Sounds like you need sleep and love and peace. It's hardly surprising you're finding things tough.

Acknowledging all of your very serious circumstances, I will advise you to get signed off asap for your spd.That alone at your pregnancy point is exhausting. I am still having to manage sleep with pillow between my legs etc 8 years on and I'm sure I could have done more to look after myself and maybe avoided that....even with the ridiculous belt and mega tubigrip I had to wear for 6 months and I had a job with loads of flying so stopped working very early on!

Also, thinking about your mum now is very common and perfectly normal. I found out I was pregnant the day I buried my mother...as a result I was "forced" to see a psych specialising in prenatal depression throughout as I was deemed high risk (was not in UK) who explained this to me in great detail (not that it helped...my feelings were directly related to my circumstances and some things cannot be altered). That said, 8.5 years on I still miss her every day and I'm not pregnant now. Such is life.

Good luck with your GP. Please look after yourself.

kiwikaterpillar Wed 10-Feb-16 00:16:50

So after a tough night I figured I can't hold on for a few more days. I phoned the dr again and have an emergency appointment this afternoon. I also showed DH this thread- which although hard to do I think it has helped him realise how much I am struggling. I can't deny that I am very anxious around what the GP may say/ do but a part of me is hoping that it is the beginning of some sort of resolution... Finding it hard to keep it together at work. So tired of wearing this mask.

HalfStar Wed 10-Feb-16 08:45:33

That's really good you have an appointment. Will you update when you get a chance? Well done flowers

Whatdoidohelp Wed 10-Feb-16 08:48:53

I am in a similar situation.

I am pregnant. Unplanned and petrified. Just want to run away sometimes.

Go to your GP. Get signed off work, they will manage without you, and get tablets for the nausea and sickness. You will hopefully be able to sleep better. Tell your GP how you fell. Here will be no judgement and they will be happy you have told them. You should be referred to a perinatal mental health team who will assess you. It's not scary. They won't be bedside afar the birth ready to take he baby. That's the depression and anxiety talking. They are here to help.

Whatdoidohelp Wed 10-Feb-16 08:49:54

Please let us know how the doctors goes. It helps to write. Even to strangers thanks

Carbsnomore Wed 10-Feb-16 14:07:04

Hello kiwi, really happy to read your update. If your DH can accompany you to your appointment (now he understands a bit more) that might help...just think about it. If he doesn't, make sure you write down your points beforehand so you can convey them accurately to GP if you feel emotional (likely) in this appointment.

And remember, sleep deprivation is a classic method of torture to break down human strength: physical emotional and mental. You may well find that you feel much better mentally after a jolly good physical rest for a few weeks. I hope so...time will tell.

Please let me know how you get on cake

dangermouseisace Wed 10-Feb-16 15:03:42

well done kiwi hope you appt goes ok

jillyarmeen16 Wed 10-Feb-16 21:23:02

You are so much stronger than you think. Reaching out and showing your dh was a massive brave step i hope you feel better soon flowers
I was depressed whilst pregnant like you would think of quick clean ways to kill myself and the baby. I didn't tell anyone for shame and fear. Luckily when my ds, my world was born it lifted and I'm healthy now . Could have been a lot worse.

kiwikaterpillar Thu 11-Feb-16 05:36:22

Thanks for all your kind messages. Sorry you are also struggling whatsup. Hope you find a way to navigate through it all.

I have found that last day pretty I overwhelming but I wanted to say to all those who told me to not worry and ask for help that you were right. My fears around what may happen if I spoke up were unfounded and I want to reiterate to anyone reading this feeling similar to please tell someone and ask for help. I am not a brave person and if I can do it I'm sure that you can too.
The GP has referred me to a perinatal team for some counselling (waiting for a call back) and signed me off work citing the SPD so I don't even have to worry about work thinking that I'm losing the plot. I went in today to tidy some things up but that's it. The dr thinks that I may be able to avoid medication if we remove some of the other stresses (as I am pretty reluctant to take it) but said that if that doesn't help we can always try medication and gave me some info to read so that I potentially feel more comfortable if I need to take it.
I know that it's not necessarily going to be a quick fix but I'm hoping it is the start to feeling better. GP also said I should stop being so hard on myself- but that may take longer to sort!
DH has also suggested that we see if a friends au- pair can help out at the weekend in the mornings when I have DD on my own (I can't lift her up or really play other than read stories because of the SPD). Hopefully the au-pair would like the extra cash and I'm sure my DD would love someone to run around with her and be active. I think he has realised that we needed to do something. I am just very grateful that we are in a position to do this, I feel guilty that other people may not be so fortunate and be able to do that.
Apologies for the epic post. Mainly I just wanted to say thanks for your support in helping me to go and get help. You probably don't realise how much it has meant to me and I really don't think I would have made that call without the stories of experience and pushes in the right direction.

Carbsnomore Thu 11-Feb-16 12:20:03

Well done kiwi (and *Mr kiwi*). Hope you feel better very soon, and best wishes for the birth of your new addition flowers

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