How do you cope with no help/seeing GP?

[elementofsurprise]

I've been trying to see my GP for six weeks. Firstly, he's the only GP who understands mental health (one used to work for Atos!), or at least my issues, and doesn't just usher me away ASAP with a script for AD's and a referral they know full well will be bounced back. He's obviously the most popular GP cos he's booked up much faster than the others! Unfortunately this means 2-3 weeks for an appt. unless it's an emergency. Adding in the fact that I can't guarantee I'll be ok to leave the house that day, and almost certainly won't be able to before about 2pm, and even making the appt. gets harder and involves a longer wait for one at a suitable time. Sometimes I can speak to him on the phone sooner, but he just wants to make an appt. to discuss in person...
So I waited for my appointment, bearing in mind I was only leaving my bed about 30% of the days by this point. When the day rolled around, it was awful. I really lose it in the waiting room, unless I'm feeling mentally ok. I just can't deal with all those people around. Plus the GP always leaves me until last. (I only made the effort to note this because I thought I was being paranoid about it so checked the next time.) I don't understand this; I've said I notice people arriving after me who get seen first, and he just sort of changes the subject or tells me I'm observant or something.
So I was trying not to run away, wanting to punch the people around me (I'm not violent but frustration being confined with people when I'm not up to it starts this feeling). I asked the receptionist when I'd be seen, and she said I was next. Only the GP came out and called someone else's name. This pushed me over the edge and I ran away while I was still able to get safely home.

I'm fucked. All the signs tell me I've outstayed my welcome and suicide is the logical option. But it's really hard to kill yoursef. I keep being ready but it's so sad. I dont know anymore. I've tried so hard but don't have any support bar a therapist I pay for (she is v. frustrated with services too).
The services won't help me, been chasing that avenue for five feckin years!! Easier not to be constantly reminded you're not worthy of their help. But at least I could talk to my GP before, at least someone knew what was going on. I don't have close friends I can speak to really, although they care I can't actually say anything without it leading to feeling attacked, or them 'telling me off'. They are both male too, and I miss female company. But regardless, even if I magically made new friends it doesn't mean someone to talk to about this stuff until years down the line when you know each other very well.

I'm not even sure what I'm tryng to say anymore, this may bit a bit of a cry for help. Sorry.

[princessvikki]

Ring your gp you need to see him, it's obviously urgent if your considering suicide. tell them how you feel about the waiting room, most gp surgerys have an examination room you could wait in so you don't feel so overwhelmed. Or ask about home visits. I would also get your therapist to contact the gp and tell them it's not good enough for you to wait so long, you need more support.
please don't give up.... Your still looking for help and that shows you still have hope and a way out of feeling like this.

[elementofsurprise]

Thank you. It's just trying to keep going even at a basic level feels so hard, I'm not recovering, barely treading water. Even when I feel better about myself it doesn't seem to help me actually deal with the world or the past.
Unfortunately therapist can only contact GP out of hours due to when she works. They will never, ever do home visits (I think I'm flagged up as potentially dangerous! another crappy thing that ruined my life chances and dreams )
It just all seems so hopeless. They can't really do anything. My life is fucked and in this economic climate plus the worry of harsher benefit rules... I'm really scared. I don't see how I have a future. I've been homeless before and I'm just terrified, it's like it's all there waiting to happen again.

[princessvikki]

Have you got any details of your local crisis team. If so ring them and explain, show them your post. They might be able to give your gp a kick into helping

[elementofsurprise]

Unfortunately the crisis team don't care. They just tell me to go to my GP and hang up.
I just have to keep going everyday and hope it gets better...

Going to try making a GP appt. and having someone with me when I go. I'm so used to feeling so crap and being turned away I'm never sure at what stage I should be geting help. And regardless, there is no help - I know they would just let me kill myself.

[NotAJammyDodger]

Sorry your still having a shit time Element. MH services have totally let you down. Don't have any advice but sending you some big ((hugs)).

[thenightsky]

Crisis Teams are rubbish in my experience. However, in my area they do have to see patients who turn up in A&E in crisis and suicidal. Can you present yourself at A&E to gain access to services this way?

[FungusTheBogeymam]

Maybe your GP leaves you until last so that he has more time to talk to you? If he has recognised that you are struggling, he may be doing it to benefit you rather than for any nasty reason.

What you are feeling is an emergency and you should ask for an emergency appointment. Otherwise you should be able to go to A&E as a mental health emergency.

Please go. Now, if you are feeling suicidal right now.

[elementofsurprise]

Jammy thanks.

thenightsky If I go to A&E I will have to wait hours just to be told to go and see my GP. That's what they do - assess to see if you need admitting to hospital, and if not they send you to your GP - they might contact the GP for you. The GP is then supposed to refer you to secondary services if necessary (and they reject the referrals in my case).

I used to present at A&E quite often, often taken there by police. They made more noises and tried to look like they were doing something but still no actual treatment or anything but contempt and telling off for 'misbehaving' by being suicidal/not coping. It took a massive toll on me and now I don't want to ask for help, I get scared to say anything to anyone, and just hide. I can't follow through with seeking help, even if I ask a friend if we can have a chat I end up bottling out a bit because I feel so guilty. TBH though, I know there's no help for me from the NHS, and chasing it is exhausting and demoralising for no reward.

Fungus I did tell him how much I struggle in the waiting room. He suggested an appt. straight after lunch so I was seen on the dot. However, being booked up weeks in advance makes this nigh on impossible...

I am feeling a bit better today - not actually suicidal now. But everything still seems pretty hopeless. I hate being so alone with this, I know not feeling alone helps a lot. It is also very true that the stigma of MH issues can be worse than the orginal issue; I hate the way people have treated me so I'm left feeling like a shitty, useless weirdo rather than a human being.