Just that, really.
I am toxic. I have done bad things.
I cannot do anything right.
Everyone I know hates me.
My family is toxic - I lurk on the Stately Homes threads but posting feels overwhelming. I have basically always been the butt of their 'jokes'. My siblings are younger but don't respect me, because my parents made sure they didn't. But if I was stronger, a better person this would not have happened.
I am dyspraxic, only recently diagnosed and that was privately ('alternative') so no NHS staff believe it, my family don't believe it, saying 'everyone wants a label these days'. I survived by making a joke of it, so people would think I was a dizzy cow but fun...people may like me - until they realise how toxic I actually am - but they don't respect me. I cannot stand up for myself. I get everyone's crap because I seem so inoffensive and then if I do dare to stand up for myself
I pretend to be strong. No-one actually cares. I have victim tattooed on my forehead. I act as if I am fine when I'm not, then occasionally I snap and am then berated for behaving badly, or if I harm myself people are surprised because 'I saw you a few days ago (or whenever) and you seemed OK', and assume it was just attention-seeking and a tantrum.
No-one appreciates or values me.
Although I understand. There isn't a lot to appreciate or value.
I am a net drain on the world.
I won't ever get to have babies already in early 30s, frankly can't look after myself at the moment never mind a baby, oh and the small detail that I am terminally single...even if I did meet someone it will be several years so I will be too old, especially as I have other health issues.
They don't let people with mental health issues adopt, right? Especially the label I have - BPD
I did have a DP, we were thinking of TTC, but we broke up - that relationship became toxic, am just relieved he got rid of me, he deserves better, a normal person not a freak like me. I still miss him every day
He was my first serious relationship, was already over 30. And I don't mean I slept around when I was young - I have very little experience. No-one wanted me.
I don't know what he saw in me, I'm so ugly. Outside and in. He realised that in the end though.
My sisters have children, my friends are starting to have them, I dread even looking at Facebook because I get inundated with pictures, I avoid seeing people.
I am (genuinely) thinking about suicide.
I wouldn't hurt any more.
I am under a CMHT and told them I am suicidal but of course they dismiss it as 'typical BPD attention-seeking', don't seem to believe me - or maybe just don't care. Care co-ordinator just asks how I can keep myself safe, if I could I wouldn't be telling her would I? They think people with BPD just don't take responsibility and are manipulative. I am not - but maybe I actually am, often toxic people don't realise it.
They just hate me so much. All I hear is how evil people with BPD are. I would never deliberately abuse anyone. Care co-ordinator seemed very interested that I have small nieces/ nephews and wrote down details - could she actually think I'm a danger to them? (I promise I'm not, I may be bad but I would NEVER harm an innocent child or animal...but then maybe I can't trust myself).
I have PTSD from various events but they also don't believe me about that.
I swing between at them and the assumptions they make about me, the way they only see BPD and not the person (I really don't think I fit the criteria - not that I'm judging people who do).
Actually I don't think anyone would care if I wasn't here.
They would be better off.
I genuinely think I am not meant to have kids because my genes are bad, I am a freak of nature and in a less civilised age would have been killed at birth. I wish I had been.
I could be an OK person...I just can't seem to be, in reality. I wish I could live on an island all to myself right now. But I can't. I wasn't meant to be. I have always thought I'd die young.
I just needed to get all that out
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Mental health
I Am a Waste of Space *May Be Triggering*
32 replies
Butterflywings168 · 24/04/2015 03:25
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