I finally spoke to a doctor (after months of nudging from my family) when dd was 10 months old. He immediately decided I needed antidepressants having spent all of 3 seconds with me. I refused to take the prescription.
I asked to speak to another doctor. None available, so I was passed off to the nurse practitioner instead. She was lovely. She must have spoken to me for half an hour - lots of tears, lots of reassurance and she made me recognise there could well be a problem without making me feel bad about it in the slightest. I fully admitted to not feeling 'right', but at that time I'm not sure I even knew how bad things had become - because feeling bad had just become my norm. I'd convinced myself I was a shit parent with no patience for dd whatsoever and I spent most of her baby life totally tuned out on planet zogg.
I was adamant that I wasn't going to take any medication. It's a very personal choice but I didn't want to become reliant on some false sense of happy. I wanted to learn how to become happier without pills. The nurse recommended a 12 week counselling course and got me a place on it. The counselors name was Paul and he was absolutely bloody fantastic. We did a variation of private and group sessions twice a week, and I met some truly lovely mums through that course - they understood me. They 'got' me. When I said something that likely would have shocked a lot of new parents, they would nod in agreement. They were going through exactly what I was going through. We all exchanged numbers and became a support to each other whenever we were having a wobble.
In the group sessions we did something different each week. One week we went to a local pub - something that had us all feeling very nervous and jittery because we had become so reclusive But Paul took us down, we found a large booth and we just chatted. We all took turns going up to order drinks, we absorbed the atmosphere and by the end of the 2 hour session, we didn't want to leave. So we didn't. We all stayed there for another hour and almost...I don't know, relished the freedom of being out again? Another week we had a 'relax' session, where a lady who specialised in teaching you how to chill the fuck out came in. It was almost yoga-like without the yoga positions We did breathing/calming exercises, she taught us a little bit about aromatherapy and she had us all lying down on the floor and fast asleep by the end of the session - not a care in the world.
There was a session all about life before baby, where as a group, we effectively made these big brainstorms about all the things we used to enjoy doing before the babies came along. So mine had things on it like going to the cinema, reading a book, going out with friends, etc. We read them out and I'll never forget Paul saying, "But you can still do all of those things." And it sounds ridiculous, but I almost needed reminding of that. In my mind, I couldn't. I'd convinced myself I was housebound and didn't want to go out, when in actual fact getting out and about was exactly what I did need. That session ended with us all making plans to go out for dinner at the weekend and we had the best time - good food, lots of wine and lots of hysterical chatter. The group therapy had given us all the opportunity to make friends with each other (most of us had felt too out of place and awkward at mother and baby groups so didn't go back to them) so we suddenly had five people to socialise with - and the babies were all roughly the same age, so we could socialise with and without them.
I'd say it probably took me until dd was around 2 to feel back to my old self, but I started to really enjoy her and being a mum when she hit 3. I think I was too young and too clueless to appreciate her as a baby and I didn't really enjoy that stage. She's 7 now and we have a wonderful relationship. It was almost like as soon as she hit 3, I was able to play with her better and I didn't find her quite as frustratingly demanding. She would go off and play independently for short periods and I could make myself a cuppa and actually finish it. She wasn't at my ankles constantly.
Learning to relax and not get wound up over stupid little things was key to my mental health. I used to get really snappy with my family and impatient with dd when she was tiny. I just felt angry and upset and frustrated all the time. And the thing was, I didn't know why. There was no reason for it. I remember having a total conniption with my poor dad one day because he asked me if I wanted grated cheese on my spaghetti bolognese. He'd been at work all day, got home at 6pm and cooked this lovely meal for all of us. He'd dished it up and brought mine into me, and I felt genuine rage when he asked me if I'd like him to grate some cheese for me. I actually got up, walked out and went and sat on my bed for 10 minutes to calm down. And then I got angry all over again because by the time I came back downstairs, my dinner was cold. To this day I can't rationalise it. I have no idea where those feelings came from. I literally could have thrown my plate at his head I felt so angry
Did I recover? Absolutely. With time and with the right support. I have constant pangs of guilt whenever I'm with my baby nephew or with a friends wee one, because I'm so much better with them than I was with my own child at that stage. But I've learned to deal with that guilt. Because I can't change the past. I couldn't help the way I felt. I got help though and I got better.
What sort of support network do you have around you, OP? Friends/family?