Pregnant and suicidal

[alesiahere]

I know the title is awful, I know I am awful, but I cannot help the way I feel. I am so sick, so messed up. But I can't help but feel this way. I am 4 weeks pregnant and I want to die. I've been going through the plans of how to do it in my head for a while now. I just don't see how a person like me can raise a child in this world.

My mother died when I was 8. My father started physically and sexually abusing me when I was 12. He got me pregnant at 15, but I had an abortion. What happened it mny childhood has left me deeply scarred. I didn't have consensual sex until last year.

I'm currently carrying my boyfriend's baby (he doesn't know). But I can't have this child. I cannot. I would make a terrible mother. When my father raped me, he always said how he wanted to make me pregnant and how he wanted me to have his child. Not that I am pregnant again I keep thinking about what happened and it's driving me crazy. Yesterday I scratched my skin on my arm so vigorously it started bleeding because I just couldn't cope. I can't be a mother. And I can't go through another abortion. The easiest way out at this point seems suicide. I know I'm a terrible fucking person - that's two babies I will have exterminated. But I can't do it.

[306235388]

You're not a terrible person.

You must only have just found out you're pregnant? Give yourself time. You have time to come to a decision. Can you tell your boyfriend?

None of your childhood was your fault including the abortion And deep in your heart you know thAt.

Please talk to someone you can trust.

[Stealthpolarbear]

Please talk to someone. Please. You don't deserve any of this. You may choose to keep the baby, in which case with help you could be an excellent mother. Or you may choose to have an abortion. Many women do as they decide it is the best thing for them. You are allowed to look after yourself. Put yourself first. You matter.
Either way, whatever you decide please get some help to learn to start looking after yourself.

[Stealthpolarbear]

How are you?

[Selks]

How are you today, OP?

[DawnMumsnet]

Hi alesiahere

We're so sorry you're feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources - here. You can also go to the Samaritans' website here, or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

Sorry for hijacking your thread, alesiahere, and we really hope things start to look up for you soon.

[alesiahere]

Hello. I have not told my boyfriend. He's in another country atm and we have been drifting apart. It's my fault that we are not close anymore. I used to do therapy and it helped me a lot in my late teens. I stopped at uni because I thought I had healed but I was fooling myself. I'm back to square one.

[alesiahere]

And to answer the question of how I am feeling... not great but better than last night.

[SilverStars]

Why not get an appointment with a gp for Monday - tell them what you put in the title thread. That should get you immediate support and help. If you need help before then you can go to a walk in centre for an appointment if there are any near you or call 111 in England to get an appointment at an out of hours centre for a dr/nurse. Just tell them on the phone what you put in thread title to get the appointment. They work 24 hours a day and all weekend.

[WorryWurta]

I'm so sorry for all that's happened to you. You haven't done anything wrong in ending your earlier pregnancy, you took an incredibly difficult decision for good reasons. You don't have to feel rushed into making any decisions right now - you still have plenty of time to weigh up your options. I would just second the advice to get a GP appointment - I was feeling suicidal earlier on in my pregnancy for different reasons, and there is quite a lot of help out there but it's all accessed via your GP. Because you are pregnant you will get priority for support whether that's just counselling or full on support from a mental health team. In my area I got an assessment the week after my GP referred me. I found some support lines for adult survivors of abuse here, perhaps they may be able to help you? I don't know if any of them are open weekends. www.supportline.org.uk/problems/child_abuse_survivors.php