Need to talk about my mum :(

[RubyRain]

This is my first time posting in this section and I'm sorry if it's not appropriate but I need someone to talk to.

My mum died a few years ago. I was 18. Mum wasn't well, she had bipolar disorder, over dosed on her meds once, was in and out of mental health and ordinary hospitals, had arguments with dad etc. so we had a rocky relationship.

I am the youngest of 5 ( brothers and sisters much older than me) so by the time I was 12, all my siblings left home, my mum and dad split up and there was just me and mum at home. I felt so lost and, to be honest, abandoned. My mum said some horrible things to me, that at the time I didn't understand was due to her illness. And I was constantly passed from family member to family member (aunts, not siblings) when she had to go into hospital. As a teen a cut my wrists and self induced vomiting as a way of coping.

As a result I had a fucked up childhood and as an adult I suffer a whole host of physical and mental problems that I am unable to tell anyone about in rl. I feel a cocktail of sadness, pain, emptiness, anger and above all, guilt. I have lovely memories of my mum when I was around 4-8 years old. One that sticks out in my mind is putting a massive blanket down on the living room floor and watching the Sound of Music together.

Those times were wonderful and I cling onto them. I wish I had them back :(. Despite all the problems, she was still my mum and I miss her so much :( :( :(.

All I want is to tell her how sorry I am that I didn't understand that she wasn't well and how much I love her. I am sitting here in tears. My life is in chaos at the min, my job is making me miserable, I have no confidence, everything makes me cry, I don't want to be around my friends, sometimes I just don't want to live anymore and write poetry about what the world would be like if I wasn't here.

I don't deserve to be happy, I made my mum miserable so why shouldn't I be miserable? I'm a hateful person who couldn't understand her mum was sick and now all I feel like is doing is running a bath and "falling asleep in it" iykwim. Of course I would never do it, but sometimes I think about it and then feel relieved at the thought of it :(

I am a failure of a daughter, of a girlfriend, an employee, and of a human being.

:(

[PotOfYoghurt]

Oh love, sounds like things are very hard for you at the moment.

First of all- you did NOT make your mother miserable. She was sick. You were a child, in a very scary and stressful environment during a time which is tumultuous enough for any teenager.

Have you ever had any counselling or therapy for depression?

If not, you should think about going to your GP and asking for a referral. It's incredible what a difference it can make in your life and the way you feel- it can show you how your experiences as a child are affecting you now and give you steps to start feeling in control and happy again.

Depression is like a dark pit- when you're down there you can't see anything around you for the blackness, or a way out of it. It's not until you're given a helping hand through talking therapies or anti depressants that you can begin to see things from a different perspective and a bit of light and hope.

A therapist can do much more than any of us here, or indeed your friends and family. Please go and see your GP- you've taken the first step in seeking help here.

[sicily1921]

You DO deserve to be happy, you were so young and it sounds like because you were the youngest and at home you took the brunt of it all.

You were in no way to blame for your mum being miserable, I'm sure you made her happy too and I'm sure she also treasured the memories of watching films and happy times together. A child cannot be blamed for their parents illness.

Please talk to someone, be it a friend, colleague or doctor, you need to start getting help and you deserve a happy life.

Just take the first step though, talk to someone you can trust. You sound like an incredible person to have survived this and talk about it the way you do. I hope others will be around to give more knowledegable advice than me, I'm sure there will be. We are all here for you and personally, even though I don't always find time to post I do think about people on here who need help, I think it's just good to know people care.