Flashbacks, so scared

[Misslosingit]

I'm terrified of what's happening to me. Long term mh problems, with suicide attempts and sh in the past. In the last couple of years I've become more anxious and paranoid. Feeling like I have no control over thoughts and urges.

Last week was ok, but I felt more on a high, but didn't know if that's how 'normal' people feel and it was new to me. I had plans to go out, had a few drinks. No more than usual but I'm on a higher dose of meds. Suddenly that evening I felt very drunk, was saying things to people I hardly know, somehow I got home (wasn't late) then from there I have no memory of what happened, just snippets.

I phoned 111 as I didn't feel good, I've since checked my phone and I rang them a few times but I don't know what I said. Suddenly paramedics turned up and I completely panicked. They wanted me to phone someone so I rang friends (I can't think of this without cringing). It's such a blur, but there was an incident with a ligature, I remember the paramedic shouting at me. My friends turned up. I now feel vulnerable and exposed, no ones ever seen me like that.

Anyway, taken to a&e. I could hear what was going on but couldn't respond at all. Got put on a drip. I bet they thought I was a stupid, drunken, horrible person. I want to apologise to the staff, that's not me at all

Waited for so long and eventually I made an appt with crisis team at my cmht (they know me) and it took a lot of persuasion for the doctor to let me leave. He wasn't happy at all, and I had a long lecture from a nurse. I feel stupid, ashamed, and terrified all this happened.

The loss of control and memory is horrible, I keep having flashbacks and can't sleep. I'm not leaving the house, feel too scared. Think people are out to get me now, and I don't trust myself. Tbh there's too much I can sh/od with in the house. I'm scared, please someone tell me what might happen, if anything at all.

[Misslosingit]

I know I'm wrong and stupid, so just ignore me. Wish I could delete my life, as well as this thread

[tiaramasu]

What have the medical people been saying?

So sorry that you are feeling like this.

[Misslosingit]

Not a lot, was supposed to get a call this morning and maybe an appt but not heard anything. I feel everything is played down a bit, but in my head everything is so crazy I can't cope. It was a massive cry for help maybe? But it's being ignored. I feel like begging for them to help me, but I know there's not much to be done.

[tiaramasu]

How long have you been on the higher dose for?
Are you allowed to drink with the medication that you are on?

Have you had a call yet?

[NanaNina]

So sorry you are feeling so bad MissL can you give a bit more detail. What is your diagnosis and are you in secondary care (access to a CPN/or other member of CMHT and psychiatrist.) I imagine you are as you say you have long standing MH problems.

Is it the incident you talked about that is upsetting you most. You were clearly in a very bad state - do you think it could have been the mix of the alcohol and meds. What meds are you on by the way. It sounds like you might have a psychotic illness as you seem to be a little out of touch with reality. This "ligature incident" can you recall if you were making a suicide attempt or have you no memory of that either.

You seem to be in danger of o/d or serious s/h and you need help asap. SO please contact the GP, or CPN (if you have one) or Crisis Team though I know you usually have to go through A &E to get to them. Have you been an Inpatient in the past? Sorry to asking all these questions but just trying to find a way to help.

[Misslosingit]

Been on the higher dose for a few weeks. Wasn't told specifically not to drink but I know you're meant to. I've never reacted like that though.

They didn't call, I called them in the end as I could feel I was getting worse. They think I can manage the thoughts.

[Misslosingit]

Nana that's ok about the questions, I appreciate you posting. I'll try to answer them, feeling exhausted though.

I have a care coordinator, she's meant to call tomorrow. The incident had shaken me up, I think it was a mixture of alcohol and meds, but I'm terrified it could have again. I do have dissociate episodes and have made similar attempts but with less people knowing, therefore less of a drama.

I am less likely to do anything with dd here, but fighting the urges is hard as then when I'm alone, it's comes crashing down. Like all my emotions and fears explode out and I can't think of anything else. I told the duty worker earlier I spend the day hiding away, paranoid and scared I just want to leave all this behind. Never been an inpatient, always been told it wouldn't help me. I interpret that as I'm not worth it, and I'd be wasting their time and resources.

Been texting Samaritans all day, and I said I've decided a slow gradual od will be better, as they won't know and it could look like a mistake. Too many people know I'm 'mental' now, and I can't cope with it. They want to help, but I want to run away. Never felt so vulnerable.

[Misslosingit]

I'm feeling a range of emotions. Panic, paranoia, anger and just feeling crap. Slept for 4/5 hours last night, I'm anxious about everything. Why is mh so hard to treat and live with?

[NanaNina]

Have you had any particular life stresses over the past 2 years as you say that you have become more anxious and paranoid during this period, or is it just one of those maddening "fluctuations" that we get in our mental health, for no particular reason.

This care co-ordinator - has she called today? Is she actually co-ordinating help and support for you, or do you feel unsupported. Do you have a CPN allocated to you. Mine is so helpful I don't know what I'd do without her, but not everyone gets a nice one I know.

Are you a single parent as you mention a daughter - how old is she? Are you usually able to look after her ok. I totally understand the fear and just feeling hopeless, helpless and worthless when the bad times come, but they are symptoms of our mental illness so it's important that we remember this.

This slow "gradual o/d" you mention - I really don't think that's a good plan, not just because you deserve to live as we all do, but because it is not going to be a very "successful" way of a suicide completion (as I think it's called) Who are "they" that you don't want to know what you are thinking of doing - the A & E staff.

Look MissL mental health carried a huge stigma still as I'm sure you know and I think it's up to people like us who suffer with it, to do our utmost to get rid of that stigma - and calling yourself "mental" isn't a good idea. You are not "mental" - you are suffering a mental illness and there's a big difference, because ignorant people who know nothing about mental health talk of people being "mental" or "mad" or whatever.

You are why mh is so hard to treat and live with, and I wish I knew the answer, but I don't. I think there is so much "hit and miss" with the treatments and it's hard to live with because it makes us feel like a stranger in our own body. Sorry I am making assumptions, that's how I feel when the bad days come around, and it's really scary to feel that someone else is occupying your mind/brain/whatever.

Sorry I'm rambling a bit - very tired. Take care and I think you should change your name because you are "losing it" - you are having a tough time with mental illness. So there!!

[Misslosingit]

Finding it really hard to get out of this dark place.