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Mumsnet hasn't checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you have medical concerns, please seek medical attention.

Mental health

Feel so alone

22 replies

Suicidal5833 · 08/02/2014 20:07

I have bipolar and I'm a drug addict I'm currently in the midst of a depressive episode and I feel so alone and suicidal.

I don't do nothing right and I hate myself for taking drugs but they get me through the day which is why I've become so dependant so quickly. I hate everything about myself I have a damn near perfect life a loving husband a house car kids so why can't I just be happy.

I can't get out of bed each day and when I've been to crisis they have done nothing even after a failed suicide attempt. So instead I became addicted to drugs. I want to end my sad existence so much.

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Honeysweet · 08/02/2014 20:45

If you are bipolar, do you have ups as well?
I dont rellay know much but didnt want to leave your post unanswered.

Suicidal5833 · 08/02/2014 20:46

Yes I have manic phases and psychosis thanks for answering.

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Loveyouthree · 08/02/2014 20:49

Hey, I know you posted on my thread but I wanted to post on yours.

I, too, have felt like that. To outsiders my life is "perfect" so why the fuck so I get depressed? I then feel MORE depressed because I feel like I shouldn't be this way. You can't help depression though, you didn't choose this.

I have no experience of drugs though, sorry. But at least you can recognise that you need help. That's the first step x

Suicidal5833 · 08/02/2014 20:54

Thanks a lot the drugs are what I really want to kick. I'm only on soft drugs and I feel ashamed but proud that my cousin kicked heroin.

The drugs do make the psychosis worse but it's usually positive psychosis if I'm drugged up, but they calm the mood making me feel almost blunted.

I really need addmittance but as they shut our local unit I've got no chance.

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Suicidal5833 · 08/02/2014 20:55

It's nice to know you understand about the whole perfect life thing.

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Suicidal5833 · 08/02/2014 21:06

Oh and a special thanks loveyouthree for commenting with all you've got going on.

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Loveyouthree · 08/02/2014 21:14

Thank you - you too!

I'm an absolute mess right now. I've got into bed so I'm letting myself cry, and I'm really going for it :( what are you doing right now Su?

Suicidal5833 · 08/02/2014 21:17

I have a overly anxious DS who thinks there is going to be a fire so I'm reading Harry potter to him to try and get him to sleep. I'm sorry you are crying.

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LEMmingaround · 08/02/2014 21:18

Is there anyone you can call? to keep you safe tonight?

Katkins1 · 08/02/2014 21:18

Su, can you call the Samartians? Would that help you at all, just to have some-one to listen to you? It has helped me in the past

Juneywoony · 08/02/2014 21:19

Hi, thank you for taking the time to post on my thread hun, x

Putting all the grief and the circumstances of my sister to one side, I can totally understand the whole perfect life thing. Like you I have a lovely husband, two lovely, healthy children. We aren't wealthy but have enough to pay the mortgage go on holidays, meals out etc..

The way I try to look at it though is that, if you had MS, diabetes etc... would the perfect life stop you from having that kind of illness?! Of course it wouldn't but because it is a mental illness and not visible people who haven't suffered or experienced it just don't have a clue and understand.

The services provided to us with mental illnesses are diabolical compared to people with physical illnesses.

I understand the drug thing to a degree, I don't take drugs but have relied way too much on alcohol to cope. It makes me worse in the long term but sometimes it is the only thing that gives me a little reprieve from the symptoms. I'm totally off it now, hopefully for good but who knows as when I get so ill I can't help but turn to it. The thing is it shouldn't get so bad for you to have to take drugs, me alcohol etc... but there just isn't the help when you need it. It's catch 22 and so frustrating.

I really wish I could say something that could help you through this episode. Do you have a cpn, or out patient psych? what meds are you on, perhaps they need reviewing? xxxxxxx

Loveyouthree · 08/02/2014 21:21

You are amazing. Seriously. My DS was just crying in his bed saying he was poorly again and all I could do was shout upstairs "come on, go to sleep, it's bed time!" I'm shit when I'm upset.

sksk · 08/02/2014 21:23

I think the idea of the cpn is good. Can you make contact with the out of hours doctors? Can you call the Samaritans or talk to anyone you're close to? My heart goes out to you but please remember that you are a loved person and very valuable. I agree with what the other posters have said and probably don't have much to add but I didn't want to read and run and just wanted to be another person to tell you that you do have a lot to offer.

Suicidal5833 · 08/02/2014 21:33

Thanks all especially juney when your going through such a tough time yourself. I can call up Monday and I'll give the Samaritans a call once dh is back from walking the dog. I'm very ashamed of my drug use I wish I'd never started even though at the time it was suicide or drugs and I choose the lesser evil.

Loveyouthree he has anxiety issues so I have to help or he will be up all night. I'm sure your doing fine.

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sksk · 08/02/2014 21:48

Nobody here is judging you and please don't feel you have to justify anything. Just focus on you and your wellness. Best wishes!

Suicidal5833 · 08/02/2014 22:30

Thank you no one judges me as harshly as I do I'm very self critical. But I look like your average middle class women and it feels like I hold so many secrets I'm going to explode because that's not the person I am at all. I'm a whore and a druggie.

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Suicidal5833 · 08/02/2014 22:31

And hardly anyone knows I have bipolar.

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Juneywoony · 08/02/2014 22:51

Being self critical and loathing is part of the illness, although if your anything like me when I'm hyper I'm the complete opposite, I think everyone fancies me, I'm great, my ideas are so much more important than any one else's, however when the depression comes I become so embarrassed at how I felt then and really beat myself up about it.

Bipolar is such an awful illness, all mental illnesses are.

I know it is easier said than done and I do wish I could practise what I preach but please be kinder to yourself. You have an illness, you have not had the correct help which has lead to you taking drugs as a means of coping, like you said yourself, it was either drugs or death. Besides we take prescription drugs for the illness so not much difference really?!

I'm addicted to benzo's I get them on prescription, I have been on them for 18 months now solidly this time and literally shake when I go an hour or so past the time I'm meant to take them.

Just had my delivery of zopiclone, I asked them if they wanted to come in ,they said no, didn't ask how I was or anything just said here you go and goodbye, oh and I think they told me their names lol

I hope your phone call with the Samaritans goes well, xxxxxx

Suicidal5833 · 08/02/2014 22:59

Thank you very much juney. It was very nice of the delivery people to show such care and compassion asking how you are feeling and everything.

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Suicidal5833 · 08/02/2014 23:00

I hope it helps you to sleep too.

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Juneywoony · 08/02/2014 23:20

Me too, trouble is they help get you off to sleep but don't stop you from waking throughout the night, better than nothing though eh! I am on Melatonin for sleep too but that hasn't helped these past few nights. Hope you manage to get some sleep too, xxx

Suicidal5833 · 08/02/2014 23:25

Thank you.

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