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What if suicide really is the only way out?

(77 Posts)
littlegingercat Sun 19-Jan-14 02:49:22

I don't really expect anyone to be around at this time, not sure why I'm posting other than a vague hope for some kind words, even though I don't deserve them.

I posted a little while ago about paranoia, about feeling like I'm being watched all the time. I saw a GP about this yesterday and she prescribed an additional med to take with my AD, but I can't take them. I read the side-effects, and they're scary. I can't decide if I'm scared of the potential side effects, or if I'm scared that these tablets aren't what they're supposed to be. I was paranoid that the MH team I see were part of whatever is going on, and if they were, so was the GP. I forced myself to see her and I'm more scared than I was before. I keep thinking about the appointment and can't tell if I'm remembering what happened reliably.

Self harmed last night and it helped a bit, but not enough. Hasn't helped tonight either. Nothing I normally do when I feel low or anxious is helping.

I'm trying to listen to music to distract but lyrics are jumping out at me and I don't feel safe at all. I've changed bands so many times, but even the most upbeat inane poppy rubbish seems to be saying so much. Even fail safe songs that I always go to when I feel low, seem off, like they're malevolent.

The only thought in my head that feels like it's actually right, is of OD'ing. I can't stop thinking of new things to be scared of, there's no end to it. I don't expect anyone to know what to say but I needed to get it out and I can't think of anywhere else that feels safe. Sorry if this doesn't make any sense, my head is pounding.

StealthPolarBear Sun 19-Jan-14 15:21:41

Op you know at some level that many of your thoughts are down to paranoia I think. Please see someone urgently. They will help you and not harm you and you will start to feel better.

littlegingercat Sun 19-Jan-14 16:13:44

I know a lot of this is down to paranoia. The GP said that the paranoia is an extension of the anxiety, which makes sense. It feels like there's something more though, like yes I'm paranoid, but I'm paranoid because on some level I've sussed that there's something going on. It's all "what if" and worst case scenario, but I don't feel like I'm being that unrealistic.

The SH is ok, the minor stuff from last night doesn't need any treatment beyond cleaning and dressing, and the stuff from Friday looks to be drying out.

The issue is knowing who is trustworthy. I managed to convince myself that the GP was but now I'm doubting myself and letting my thoughts run away with me. If she wasn't, then the rest of them definitely aren't.

StealthPolarBear Sun 19-Jan-14 16:23:09

I'm sorry I don't know what to say that will help sad Glad your wounds are improving. Hope you can get the help you need very soon. Do you live alone?

DawnMumsnet (MNHQ) Sun 19-Jan-14 16:30:36

Hi littlegingercat,

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources - here.

Sorry for hijacking your thread, littlegingercat. We're glad you're receiving kindness and support here, and we really hope things start to look up for you soon.

GlitzAndGiggles Sun 19-Jan-14 16:34:16

Is there something you enjoy or could do to keep your hands busy such as a puzzle, knitting? Sending hugs xx

littlegingercat Sun 19-Jan-14 18:17:12

Thank you all

I do live alone. Don't worry about not knowing what to say, I don't know what I need to hear. Just being able to say these things without worrying about the consequences is really helpful.

I'll check out the links, sorry to have made more work for you HQ.

I've done some cleaning which has helped. I don't know how to knit, but I think I have some cross stitch somewhere that I could have a go at. I have about a million beads that I could make something out of too.
I feel utterly exhausted, all headachey and nauseous and I know I won't be sleeping much tonight so I think I'm just going to try to chill out.

StealthPolarBear Sun 19-Jan-14 18:19:08

We're all sending you our best wishes. Your situation sounds very complicated, I hope you can work on it one bit at a time.
Lol at a million beads grin I hope your first job isn't to count them!

littlegingercat Mon 20-Jan-14 00:49:19

Does anyone know if the CMHT have the same access to medical notes that GPs do? I'm getting really anxious about tomorrow's appointment and I need to know what she could realistically know if she's seen anything the GP might have written after Friday.

StealthPolarBear Mon 20-Jan-14 08:48:35

Im sorry I really dont know. Would it help to discuss your fears witb her - she might surprise you?
Will be thinking about you today x

duchesse Mon 20-Jan-14 10:51:19

It depends on your health authority I think. Some health authorities have set up record-sharing but I'm not sure they all have. You could probably find out online if they have that in your area.

I suppose that your GP has screened you for all the physical problems that might be contributing to your psychological state? Ie thyroid, kidney problems etc... And have you been ill like this for a long time or is it recent?

littlegingercat Mon 20-Jan-14 12:58:41

I can't find anything online, so I think I need to be rational and give her the benefit of the doubt, and assume that she could know anything that I told the GP legitimately. It's not really working though. I don't trust that she'll tell me the truth if I ask.

I had blood tests a few months ago and everything came back totally normal. I've had anxiety for years though it's steadily been getting worse, and this whole paranoia thing has only been going on for a few weeks.

I SH'ed again last night, which I'm disappointed about as I was trying really hard not to do it every day. Trying very hard to sit on my hands at the minute. I'm always anxious before appointments but this is something else, my heart is trying to leap out of my chest.

I really don't think I can tell her about all this. It feels really important that she doesn't know. I really just want to hide.

StealthPolarBear Mon 20-Jan-14 13:08:36

Dont be too down on yourself about the sh. Youre doing really well to try to manage what you can.

littlegingercat Mon 20-Jan-14 15:13:53

I'm trying to be ok with the SH. Managed to do it again a little while ago though, it's not severe so I'm just accepting it as being something that helps.
She's late. Not unusual but really not helping right now. I'm getting more worked up the later she is. There's always a chance she won't show up at all, it wouldn't be the first time. I feel convinced that she's sat round the corner in her car watching me on whatever cameras they have in here, that sounds so ludicrous but I can't shake it.

duchesse Mon 20-Jan-14 17:20:36

The self-harming is your way of managing in what is a very frightening world for you at the moment. It's perfectly understandable (although of course it is a shame you feel this bad right now).

duchesse Mon 20-Jan-14 17:26:16

I hope you don't mind me saying so, but I think you do know though that the surveillance and cameras are not real? The way you say it on here suggests that.

Do you think that you can continue to manage this (nearly) alone, or do you feel that you might need more help?

littlegingercat Mon 20-Jan-14 22:07:25

I'm trying very hard to be rational about it all, and tell myself that there can't be cameras. There's always that doubt though and I can't make myself relax just in case. I can't stop second guessing myself, like if I let my guard down then the shit is really going to hit the fan. The external surveillance could very easily be real and that's something that I've considered for a long time. I can deal with that just by keeping my curtains shut though so I'm not quite as panicked by it. It's the cameras in my house that I'm scared of, and how things (films/music/tv) seem to be too knowing.

I don't really think that there's much anyone can do. I either need to shut up, get over it and stop being an idiot, or just kill myself.

Thank you all for talking to me, sorry for being such a pest.

duchesse Mon 20-Jan-14 22:59:43

ginger, you're not being a pest at all, you're just having a really hard time.

How did the appointment go today? Did the nurse turn up in the end?

duchesse Mon 20-Jan-14 23:02:10

And it's very very hard to "just shut and get over it". Nobody would say that to someone with a serious physical illness and this is no different. Nor would anybody expect someone with a serious physical illness to deal with it alone. A mental illness is no different.

GimmeDaBoobehz Mon 20-Jan-14 23:15:46

How did the appointment go ginger cat?

littlegingercat Mon 20-Jan-14 23:40:25

Thanks for asking, the OT turned up a couple of minutes after I posted about her being late. I want to think that was just a coincidence, but I don't.

The appointment was ok. I didn't tell her about any of the paranoia, but I did say that I'd seen the GP. So, I guess if she has access to those notes then she'll go look at them and see what I said anyway. Niggling thought says that she already knows why. She always asks about SH and I did admit that was worse, but she wasn't concerned. I told her about the health anxiety I've been having but apparently that's really common and I need to just talk myself out of it. I don't feel reassured from seeing her. I just want to OD.

StealthPolarBear Tue 21-Jan-14 06:27:30

No that doesn't sound good.
What would help right at the moment? Do you have any friends you can trust?
Btw I suspect she is overworked and/or a bit useless rather than anything morw sinister

littlegingercat Tue 21-Jan-14 16:58:29

I don't really know what would help at the minute. A good night's sleep would be a great start, being able to wake up without dread in the pit of my stomach. Having a room that feels safe would be good but I can't check everything thoroughly enough to convince myself. I haven't got any friends.

The OT is definitely overworked, she's told me before about the heavy caseload she has. So has the support worker, so I feel pretty guilty about being another drain on them. It's part of why I think they're involved with the people watching me.

I'm having a total pity party for one today, so I'm going to stop before this turns into any more of a whinge-fest.

newyearhere Tue 21-Jan-14 17:19:05

littlegingercat sorry to hear how you're feeling.

I think you've done the right thing in seeing your GP. Can you tell us what the new medications are, which the GP has given you? And what AD are you on already? I hope the Samaritans get back to you soon.

It's true that NHS staff have a lot of work on, but their job is to help you, so you don't need to feel guilty in the slightest about their caseload. In fact it's a pity they mentioned it really as I can't see how it would help anyone feel better!

It does sound like your GP wants to help you and the new medication is the first step, as she can see whether it works, and if it doesn't she can then try something else. If you can tell the GP as much as you can manage, then she'll be in the best position to help.

Have you got anything you can plan for this evening? A programme you'd like to watch, or something you'd like to get done?

littlegingercat Tue 21-Jan-14 19:47:43

The new med is pregabalin, and I'm already on sertraline. The Samaritans did get back to me but weren't all that helpful. Probably because I'd rambled on too much.
I'm not great at taking the sertraline, I manage most days but there are some days when I get really worried about what's in them and just can't make myself do it. Or, I do take them but then get so worked up that I'm sick and it's been futile taking them at all. Both the OT and the GP know that I don't manage to take them every day and they weren't concerned.

No plans for this evening, but I've got lots of DVDs to watch. I'm going to try not to SH but without being OTT about it, because it seems like actively trying not to do it makes it worse when it happens.

Thank you all for letting me rattle on about this so much, I know it's nothing compared to what some people have to go through. I don't have anywhere that I can really be honest, especially about sui thoughts and the extent of the SH.

littlegingercat Tue 21-Jan-14 19:57:33

I've just read that back and this just dawned on me, that means the sertraline isn't real doesn't it? If I was a doctor and my patient said they were only taking their medication when they could manage it, I'd say something at least, I wouldn't just nod and smile a bit. How have I just thought of this? Oh god. Is there a way I can test them?

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