Am I depressed?

[IsisOhIsis]

Since I was very young I've had problems with my mood. I've never really felt happy, I started self harming when I was very young, had disordered eating from pre teens which progressed to a full on eating disorder around age 20. (I stopped the behaviours when I became pregnant at 22 but now, at 25, am really struggling with this again). I have periods where I feel great, get loads done, feel sociable, happy, positive, make plans etc, and then I'll crash and feel so low I can barely move.

I will feel utterly nihilistic and unable to see a way forward, unable to see anything positive about myself or my life, other than my daughter. I can just about put some food together for her and do what she needs me to do on a basic level but find it difficult to leave the house, just put the tv on and sit motionless on the sofa.

[IsisOhIsis]

I posted too soon! Then, at times I'll feel really anxious, especially in social situations, unable to speak or make eye contact, stomach problems from anxiety etc.

I have poor impulse control and tend to spend a lot of money I don't have, and have a very poor relationship history, tending to move from one person to another quite quickly, falling in and out of love very intenselyL
and quickly. I have quite a quick temper though am not violent. I definitely sjout too much though :( I sound bloody awful, don't I. I'm very paranoid and probably quite self centred, if I hear someone laughing I always assume its at me for example.

I've always just thought I'm depressed but I'm wondering if there's something else going on. I'm currently trialling anti depressants with my gp for the first time since I stopped them when I was pregnant. They're not helping so far. I've had an assessment for cbt and am on a waiting list. The assessor said she thinks I have social anxiety but this, like depression, just doesn't seem to fit exactly. Any ideas? Or am I just a horrible person :-/

[IsisOhIsis]

Can anyone help? I want to get better, I'm sick of living like this. I'm so desperately afraid that I'm going to negatively affect my daughter if I don't get better. But I feel like my gp appointments are so superficial and quick there's no way to get to the bottom of things. But I don't know if I'm just being melodramatic and self obsessed and I'm really fine and should forget about it. I don't know what to do or how to help myself

[ColouringInQueen]

Hi Isis sorry to hear you're having such a tough time. I am by no means an expert on mental health, but reading through your post did make me wonder if you had gone through with your GP all the detail that you've done here? From my personal experience there are elements of depression and anxiety in what you've written, but I wondered if you have the up and the nihilistic periods you described at the top were a one off or a regular thing?

How long have you been on the anti-depressants? They can take a full six weeks to kick in, may need to up dose or switch to another to get one that suits you best.

You don't sound like a selfish or horrible person - that's definitely the depression talking. Take care x

[HoopHopes]

We cannot diagnose online so hopefully the assessor and gp can diagnose and offer treatment options. Medication and talking therapies are all NHS can provide unless you go through psychiatric services. You could ask gp for referral to an eating disorders service if that would help.

You could also go to your health visitor and say what you posted here, what your gp is doing and ask if there is any support groups they can out you in touch with. They can provide support for mums struggling with their children so do ask.

[IsisOhIsis]

colouringinqueen no I haven't really said all this because it doesn't feel like there's time. I've been on these antidepressants for a few months and am now weaning off them to try different ones. Should I go back and try to describe in more detail whats happening? It just feels so hard. The up-down-anxious loops have been forever.

hoophopes the thought of going to a hv scares me too much. I don't feel I AM struggling with dd, just that I'm not as good as I should be some days (watching maisy instead of playing with cloud dough or something!). I have very little faith in eating disorder services, even if there was something they could offer me. I think getting my mood sorted would help a lot with that side of things.
Thanks for your replies

[snakeweave]

firstly - i'm sure you're not a horrible person. it sounds to me like you might have some sort of depression - there can be lots of different symptoms. have you seen a psychiatrist? could you ask your gp for a referral? they might be able to help you find the right kind of medication. if you don't feel like you get enough time with your gp maybe you could try making a double appointment. my gp did this when i needed a referral so we could go through everything properly. i'm sure you're a great mum - lots of us just let our kids watch tv when we know we should b engaging in imaginative play with them - the kids turn out fine.
cbt sounds like it could be useful so i hope you get an appointment soon. good luck x

[IsisOhIsis]

Thank you, snakeweave. Can you just ask for a psychiatrist referral? Did you just tell your gp what your problems were and they referred you to a psychiatrist? And then what happened, you said the same to the psychiatrist and they prescribed something appropriate?