Hi,
I have been around for a while but not lately as I felt things were getting back on track for me, but now I seem to be stuck.
In May I had a breakdown, following my split from my abusive husband. I totally stopped functioning, didn't really eat or get out of bed for the best part of a month, couldn't look after my daughter and at my worst my partner was having to help me get washed and dressed because I would just give up halfway and sit crying on the floor. I had horrible flashbacks and panic attacks which started after talking about what happened with my husband with my counsellor (realising that he raped me, controlled me, realising how scared I had been even though I told myself I was fine). I spent 2 months feeling suicidal, making plans, thinking about killing myself for hours at a time. It was the most terrifying thing I have ever gone through and I am still recovering.
I have been doing much better- I am on antidepressants which have worked to get me out of such obsessional negative thoughts, the flashbacks have gone and I can smile without it being a huge effort. I can look after my daughter again, she has just turned 2.
But the last 3 weeks or so I feel like I am sliding back down. I am dwelling on things that happened, blaming myself, getting stuck in cycles of negative thoughts that I can't pull myself out of. I am horribly anxious, some days I can't bring myself to go out, and I am putting off things that need doing. I am due for another course of counselling but I cancelled my session last week because I just couldn't face dredging it all up again. It took so much out of me last time and I can't face feeling like that again. But the thought of getting worse again makes me literally sick with fear, last time I nearly died, no exaggeration. My partner has a new job that we desperately needed, and he can't be at home with me as much. My parents are lovely, but frankly utterly shit at support in things like this. I just feel totally stuck, and scared. On my worst days I think I should just kill myself now, so nobody has to go through me being ill again.
And I have decisions to make- I was in my final year of medical school when I got ill, and there is a deadline by which I need to complete my last placement, otherwise I might not be able to graduate at all and all those years of work will have been for nothing. I have managed to put it off until after Christmas, but right now that seems totally unachievable when most days I dread even popping to the shops. I feel like I am letting everyone down, like I should just be able to pull myself together. I feel like I am watching my whole life slide away from me and there is nothing I can do. DP is wonderful, but he is worried too and doesn't know what to say, so I am back here.
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Mental health
Feel like I am getting worse not better, I'm scared. :-(
6 replies
Glabella · 14/10/2013 15:03
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