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just need an ear or hand or a something? please help or just talk?

(31 Posts)
mouses Sat 07-Sep-13 22:57:06

most have probably read my dull depressive threads, i suffer with depression, anxiety, i panic alot, have bad mood swings, spending sprees, animal hoarding, i get angry, cant think straight. hear voices, see things, last night there were people, shadows peeping round the doors making me scared so scared that i didnt want to open my eyes or turn my head incase they were there. sat on my bed with pointed tweezers scratching away at my legs again. then was annoyed that it didnt leave more a mark in the morning. ive gone insane!

been back and forth to the gp for 2yrs (thought it was all normal until then!) on fluoxetine for a year, had an assessment last month and awaiting psyhciatrist list.

i cant even concentrate on what i want or need to say and this prob wont make no sense. im so overwhelmed by this illness it seems to be getting worse and eating awayat me bit by bit, first my childhood, my social life then my partner, my pets, now my kids are next!
im finding it really hard to deal with this and run the house and kids. my eldest has just gone to secondary school and its really strict, he must have all his equiptment, be well dressed etc and im finding it exhausting to make sure his pens are ok, he has right pe kit, that he leaves with everything... he got a strike on his first day because half his shirt was hanging out! i felt so angry and aggresive that i wanted to go to the school hurt them, but didnt want him to be kicked out.

i cant sit and do homework with them, dd goes nursery in 11 days and needs to be read her book, i just know it wont be done as it never happened with the boys. half the time i dont know what day their homework is, what their teachers name is! im a failure as a mother, wish i could be better, how i imagened i would be, not like this. im not enjoying it, this illness has made me hate being a parent.

now im thinking (again) of handing them over to their dad so he can give them a better chance of a childhood, well whats left of it. my dd wont go with any one so she will have to stay with me. she's too young to understand and fully dependant on me. i feel so bad the thoughts there, that i gave up on them! scared and ashamed they will grow up twisted and confused like me. i cant keep them but dont want to fail them any longer. i dont know what i m suppose to do?

HoopHopes Wed 11-Sep-13 19:53:01

Oh sorry bit great days that is not nice

mouses Wed 18-Sep-13 19:38:45

dont think i can do this any more, i keep telling myself to hold on there.... but im loosing control my emotions, my feelings, my anger, my head.

all thats on my mind is to get rid of everything that causes me more stress including the dc's sad just dont know what to say, failure. complete mess of a mother.

TheSilverySoothsayer Wed 18-Sep-13 19:55:39

Hello mouses have a hug and a brew

You are not a failure as a mother. You love them and they love you. You have called for help from HCP, the waiting is very hard. Sending warmest wishes x

mouses Wed 18-Sep-13 20:02:50

i dont understand alot of the abriviations, hcp? need a better understanding of the whole thing i suppose.

im not liking parenting, i cant enjoy them like this. and how can i say i love them with those thoughts sad they deserve more love, more time, more affection.

thanks for your wishes x

HoopHopes Wed 18-Sep-13 22:13:33

Hcp is I think health care professionals.

TheSilverySoothsayer Wed 18-Sep-13 22:43:27

sorry about HCP for health care professional. Your thoughts are all about protecting your DC, aren't they, and what's best for them? You are not very well atm sad it is hard I know, but please don't give up hope...

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