Massively struggling to control my eating

[blackbirdatglanmore]

I'm not 100% sure this is the best place but I desperately need advice that doesn't focus around 'eat three healthy meals a day' as if I could, I swear I would.

I've always had problems with my food and weight, even as a child. My weight swings between pendulums constantly but I never look out of the ordinary. I'll try to explain.

I go through phases of eating incessantly. I can't stop, I crave sugary snacks and takeaways. I am then disgusted with myself and vow to do better the next day only to break and gorge myself.

Then after a while something clicks and I stick to a strict, strict diet. The weight falls off me and all is well, except the binge cycle starts again.

My weight has veered between 10 and 12 stone for most of my adult life. I am now 13 stone after a year of bingeing and yet to see any signs of stopping!

I don't know what help I can access. I understand why I binge but seem powerless to prevent it.

[PenelopePipPop]

" I am then disgusted with myself "
Sorry this is not a topic I know much about but that seems quite important to me. If your sense of self-worth is very heavily invested in both your weight and your eating behaviour then it will be very hard to change because you have set yourself an impossible standard. When you diet and lose weight you cannot actually feel happy about what you have achieved because in your head you are only returning yourself to where you 'should' be. So you go through the hard work of self-denial but get no reward pay-off and then you end the strict diet which would be impossible to maintain indefinitely eat as you did before and feel disgusted with yourself.

Would be my guess...?

In the short-term building you can explore by yourself why your sense of self-worth is so vested in your body. I don't even know if 13 stone is overweight (in the BMI sense) for you but there are plenty of women who weigh 13 stone and feel just fine about it. Getting to think about your body in that way might be of more use than challenging yourself to change the eating behaviours.

You could consider CBT which might help you think about your self-esteem and body image and see if that helps you develop a more stable eating pattern.

You might want to read Susie Orbach's books Fat is a Feminist Issue (daft title but a completely sensible book) and On Eating.

[blackbirdatglanmore]

That's an incredibly perspective reply penelope, thank you.

I have some work to do but I may well read those books.

13 stone is pretty overweight for me; I am slightly below average height and do look pretty hefty!

[perrinelli]

You may want to read up about binge eating disorder/compulsive eating to see if this resonates with you? If you start to feel that you might be suffering with this to some degree then there are lots of books out there to help and you can also see your GP if needed. I can really identify with your experience and I'm very similar. Since realizing that I had a problem I've had counselling and seen a nutritionist as well as doing a Christian based course about eating issues called 'new ID'. I've found it all very helpful and am on the road to recovery but not there yet. For me - and this may also apply to you - although it's tempting to go on a 'diet' and hit the gym to shift weight, this never works long term and perpetuates the cycle as I think on some level I feel 'deprived' which leads me to binge at some point. What I'm striving for is middle ground - neither dieting or overeating, but this is an unfamiliar place! I've also learnt that true lasting change doesn't come from beating yourself up and self disgust but from a place of peace and self acceptance (easier said than done of course!!)