Well, where do I begin? I think I just need to write things down, almost like a dress rehearsal for conversation tomorrow, as I am really not comfortable talking about feelings and am dreading it somewhat.
DS is 18 months old and although I love the bones of him I sometimes don't feel connected, almost numb towards him. I am still bf and sometimes I look down at this sweet little head and think, are you really mine? I keep wondering whether these feelings are as a result of his birth, emcs, lots of drugs and trauma, not at all what I had imagined. I remember my sister saying how beautiful he was when he was first born and I distinctly said, through my drugged up haze, I actually think he is quite ugly. I waited for the rush of love, the euphoria which family members told me I would feel upon holding my first born, and...nothing. I felt nothing. I must stress I don't and haven't always felt like this towards him, sometimes I feel a special connection with him and I do know I love him. But still, I can't pretend that I don't ever have 'numb' hours/days.
I feel guilty a lot of the time, and I even know that the guilt is irrational. For example, if we are on a long drive I will feel horrifically guilty for having him strapped into his seat, bored (although we always listen to his songs or I time long journyes around naps). I don't think DH helps with the guilt because he is very over protective and if DS has a bump in my care he gets very wound up (I must stress there have never been any serious injuries. Ever). I think myabe my guilt feeds off his anxiety though, iyswim.
I have very little in the way of support, DH works very long hours and has a long commute. I had one year off ml and then went back to my job p/t, which has actually been a blessing because it means I get a little time away from DS (and I do find this time away refreshing). I have no family nearby. The days I spend at home with DS are long. I have friends but most gone back to work f/t so we sometimes don't have much outside interaction, although I really try to arange playdates/trips out etc.
DS has awful sleep and I co-sleep out of necessity. This means there is no intimacy in my relationship with DH. We barely speak but seem to argue a lot these days. I think he feels the lack of sex. I don't. I have no sex drive at all (I used to...). We haven't had one night out/away from DS in 18 months.
We have recently talked about splitting up and me moving back to my mum's. He thinks I am hostile towards him and can't take it anymore. In truth I feel a distinct lack of support from him and I am bitter about it, although in truth I do recognise this is because of his work and circumstances, etc.
I feel like a terrible mother, really awful and will never have another because i feel I have fucked this one up so badly. In reality I recognise that DS is ok, it is more the feelings I have towards him, what goes on in my head, that prompts me to think I am awful at motherhood, rather than anything I do to DS (on paper it looks like I am a good mum, but no-one sees inside my head).
DH thinks I am suffering PND. I don't know. I think maybe I have a rational reason(s) for feeling fed-up and this does not amount to depression. I cry a lot.
If you have read this, thanks. I know it is v long but I just needed to order my thoughts before I see HV tomorrow and make a total tit out of myself.
Please or to access all these features
Please
or
to access all these features
Mumsnet hasn't checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you have medical concerns, please seek medical attention.
Mental health
Seeing HV tomorrow re possible PND. Struggling.
4 replies
dogdaysareover · 11/02/2013 20:48
OP posts:
Please create an account
To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.