Feeling suicidal and struggling to fight it

[Amitolamummy]

I don't really know why i'm posting this because i'm sure people will just criticise me for it. I've struggled with suicidal feelings for many years, they come and go, but I thought I had got past it all until recently.
The last time i spiralled it was really bad and scared me that I felt no fear at all. This time I really want to go. If I could change things I would go back and not have children so that I could end my life without destroying them.
There isn't any part of me that wants to live, i'm only still here because I know I need to be for my children.
I asked their father to take them, my ex, he knows how bad i'm feeling but doesn't care at all. I think he is bringing them back in a couple of hours, even though i'm not well enough to look after them.
I don't know what to do. I have tried to get help before from the crisis team but have had mixed responses. I was once told I was an attention seeking little brat and only there to get drugs out of them. That was a bit of an odd reaction really seeing as I refused medication.
I think i've got ptsd but its never been diagnosed. Everytime i've tried to get help they fob me off and send me home. Apparently knowing i'm ill means i'm not and i'm attention seeking.
I have no idea what to do. I tried to contact my counsellor but he didn't get back to me. Sorry for being so pathetic.

[SantasHugandRollintheSnow]

You need to contact Samaritans and/or go to A&E and tell them how you're feeling. Where are your children now? Have you made a plan and timeline? Where in the country are you? Remember your children need you.

[kerstina]

Hello I did not want your post to go unanswered, so sorry you are feeling so low. Have things happened in your life to make you feel this way as you mentioned Ptsd ? Can I ask why you have refused medication as I really think in your case they might help? Its so sad to keep reading on here how little support people are getting for their mental health issues

[Amitolamummy]

I phoned the samaritans yesterday and my phone died just as I was starting to feel a bit better. It felt like a sign. People at A&E would just be angry that I was wasting resources that they need for sick people. No plan. Can't formulate a plan, can't even get washed and dressed.
I know they do but it won't be much of a life for them with me as a mother

[Liketochat1]

Amitola- you won't be wasting a and e's time. You are a sick person. You are mentally very unwell. Please contact Samaritans again or go to a and e. Your phone running out of battery was not a sign of anything. It was just one of those things. Please seek help. Your children love you.

[Amitolamummy]

Medication doesn't work for me, tried it before. Yes lots has happened. I had a very abusive childhood and my family tried to kill me, then when that didn't work constantly drip fed the fact their lives would be far better if I was dead. My sister even used to try to con me into jumping off the roof when we were little, by saying she would jump with me. It's so ingrained that everyone will be better off when i'm dead. I thought I didn't feel like this anymore and after a friend committed suicide not long ago and I saw and felt the effects, I thought I would never get like this again. My ex was abusive as were his parents and despite knowing what i've been through and how low I was at times, they were very cruel about it all. My ex said to go ahead and kill myself if I want to a couple of years ago.
I don't really have anyone to turn to. I've tried all the avenues to get help but never get anywhere. They always say I seem fine and because I put on a good front, when I say how much i'm struggling, they don't believe me.
I thought I had a good relationship with my counsellor and was getting somewhere. I've been much much happier recently, but that fell apart too and he hasn't returned my calls. People always let me down and prove i'm not worth anything

[Amitolamummy]

I took an overdose a couple of years ago and when I went to A&E they were awful. The nurse said she didn't have time for me as she had sick people to deal with. Then I was assessed by someone who couldn't speak english very well and didn't understand me and he sent me straight home

[dampfireworksinthegarden]

amito, i'm so sorry to read that you are feeling so low right now. ithink that if you are feeling as in crisis as you say you are, go back to a & e. i had to do that a few months ago. i said that i needed a safe place, and the duty psychiatrist was really good. i then accessed gp, got on the meds and felt better eventually.

you need to do this. suicide is just not an option when you have children. hold on to that fact. it's not an option.

[Hoophopes]

Hi sorry you feel you are struggling for support. If you don't feel you can get immediate help this weekend, could you book a gp appointment for Monday. Medication may not have helped in the past, but that doesn't mean medication can't help now. Could you ask gp for a referral to a psychiatrist so that you can ask for a diagnosis and appropriate medication, which they will be able to do.

If you have access to a crisis team at the weekend you can tell them how you are feeling, how they respond varies as it depends who is on, but just because you had a bad experience once doesn't mean you will this time. If you tell them you are suicidal and have children at home that you are responsible for they will act and can help - you just have to tell them how it really is I have found. Being specific menas they can gve specific help.