Feeling desprate

[sj2008]

I am really not coping. Can only see one way out of this. I can't take anymore.

[mashedpotatohead]

Oh sj, so sorry you're feeling this way. Can you tell us a bit more? (((hug)))

[hazeybabes]

Sorry you are not coping at this moment in time. This moment in time will pass. Give yourself a break from thinking for half an hour or so. Just go through the motions if you're currently having to look after someone. If you're on your own maybe watch some telly or have a bath. Just take a break from your brain going round and round. You will have more energy when you return and can look at the whole situation again.

[sj2008]

I am diagnosed bipolar and bpd. The last ten years are littered with hospital admissions, sectioning and failed suicide attempts along with me dropping out of first medicine and then my teaching career.

However this year my lovely husband and I decided to try for our second child. I was extremely well during and after pregnancy first time round so foolishly thought I could do it again. I am about 14 weeks and really struggling. I'm tired and very sick and finding work and looking after my son so hard. I've agreed to a year of cognitive analytical therapy which is leaving me a wreck each week. I have come off all my meds and my mood is all over.

I feel so guilty to admit it but all I can think about is suicide. I'm really ashamed. Having another child with my condition is so selfish. I am a failure and my lovely family would be better if I were gone.

[hazeybabes]

Your family would definitely not be better if you were gone. This is an undisputable fact. They would be best if you were better and for that you need help and support. Your husband loves you and wants to help you so share how you feel with him (he would be so upset if you didn't). You then need to find help from experts. The tiredness and hormones of pregnancy will have an affect on your condition but you just need to get that rational part of your brain to hold onto the reality of the facts that you are so obviously loved and wanted and you can and will get better.

[GRW]

I'm sorry you're feeling so bad just now. It's your illness that makes you feel your loved ones would be better off without you, and it isn't true.
You can get through this pregnancy with the right support. Maybe you need to get your GP to sign you off work for a while whilst things are so hard. I assume you have mental health services involved, and don't be afraid to ask them for help. Take care and keep talking to us on here if it helps.

[sj2008]

Thank you for your kind replies. I don't deserve it but it feels so cathartic writing this down.

I am scared my husband will be cross. We had a deal that we could try and conceive once I had managed six month paid full time work with no absence for sickness. What if he hates me for feeling so low again. I have so much to be happy about. I hate myself for being this pathetic. If only I had the courage to go through with my fantasies.

[elvispelvis]

Your story is like mine. I have been diagnosed both bipolar and bpd. Hospitalisations ets, too. My first pregnancy went fine and so did the time with the baby boy. No PND. Before my first pregnancy I had been without meds for couple of years.

But immediately went I got pregnant again I got really depressed. I went to GP's, she sent me to crisis team. Long story, but I got help from the perinatal mental health team. I did not take any meds even though I was offered. They are really good. Contact them. I got better and at the end of the pregnancy I was okish. I was told to start meds after birth but I did not. I was ok four months and then my moods started go up and down. And here I am now.

[TheSilverPussycat]

Sorry, but you can't really make deals like that involving your mental health. To do so implies that you are somehow being ill on purpose. I do see that you were trying to be responsible about going for another child, though.

My sickness record means that I will never work again, so I do understand. (But am old and near pension age and have a bit of money so not a problem).

Anyway you fulfilled the deal, and are now pregnant. It's not your fault that you have become ill I mourn the days when one parent could stay at home and claim Home Responsibility Protection till youngest was 16 - this helped many who suffered from mh issues to carry on at home and feel that their role was acknowledged by the state. This need for both parents to work is imho causing mh problems.

Please seek help, elvis's idea sounds good. You are needed, loved and wanted.

[sj2008]

Thank you. Would really like to reply properly to your thoughtful messages but I am tired and can't think clearly. Would normally od on diazepam and sign out of my life for a while but that's not an option. Struggling.

[lucyellenmum]

Poor you, i hve CBT which i guess is a bit different to cognitiva analytical therapy, but it flattens me too - maybe this is not the right thing for you just now and you need some other form of assistance. Do you have a CMHT? Anyone who you can contact if it gets too much..

You describe your husband as lovely, well he clearly loves you because he wouldnt be lovely to you if he didnt and you went for another child together. Sorry you are feeling so rubbish - it will get better, you have to find a practical way to get yourself over the next few months. You are clearly an intelligent woman, could you make this a bit of a project for yourself? Do whatever it takes, yoga? more counselling, safe ADs. Talk to your doctor or pysch team.

We can all hold your hand too xxxx

[sj2008]

Have worked with this current psychologist for 2 years and really trust her and value how good she is. I have never felt looking honestly at my past and my childhood was a safe option before. Perhaps it is too much right now but I feel like we have opened the gates and I dare not close them. I am frightened I may never get this opportunity again and therefore would have no hope of changing. I come out of each session a wreck though and feel so alone with it. I don't know what is for the best.

As for working, I was brought up to believe that a successful career was top priority above all else. This is something I have hugely struggled with as my ambition to be a doctor and then my teaching career were self sabotaged and resulted in long hospital stays. I will always feal a failure. However my menial 9-5 does give me some satisfaction and worth. I couldn't cope without the routine of work. I am scared that if I act into plans to hurt myself I will mess up my chances of keeping this job.

I wish I could find some inner resolve to fight this but I feel hopeless. Personality disorder has robbed any sense of self I may have. I can't connect to anything other than the hate I have for the evil failure I am. I just need it all to stop.

[sj2008]

Been prescribed quetiapine. Anyone any experience of this in pregnancy. I'm scared.

[TheSilverPussycat]

Had a quick google and it seems to be the consensus that quetiapine's effect on pregnancy is currently unknown. So I would talk to your presriber again.

[sj2008]

Thanks for doing that silver, really kind of you. Doc said benefits outweigh risks but that doesn't feel good enough. Scared to take it. Scared not to.

[TheSilverPussycat]

Did he/she spell out the risks? Give you any early warning signs to keep an eye out for?