Anxiety getting worse

[mmmerangue]

Have had mild anxiety since at least birth of my 22mo, probably in pregnancy and before aswell.

Lately seems to be getting worse and I am in a horrible circle of being ill - missing shifts at work - annoying work - getting anxious about it - getting better feeling fine for a little while - getting fucking ill again.

Whole household got a ghastly vomiting bug at the weekend and I missed Friday and Saturday night at work which would be 3/4 or more of my hours. Will get like 5 hours of pay for last week . Boss is obviously not chuffed. I am really stressing now. I was ill last week, the week before, two weeks before that... Getting hard to tell if it is one continuous bug getting worse, or something wrong with my immune system as I am catching literally every bug going, or if generally being down tired and feeling crap is making me sick. Blood tests showed nothing but back to the doctors next week. puts to back of my mind I wish! Last time Doc said it was jsut cos I am a working mother no doubt trying to make me feel better, my boss is a working mother with a lot more on her plate and a pretty unhelpful DP but she isn't like this.

Anyway, today I am 95% recovered from vommy bug, disinfected the entire house Sunday, spent yesterday recuperating apart from some minor chores and a trip to the supermarket.

Today I can barely bring myself to talk to DS, let alone be companionable and motherly; cannot face the chores and am getting worried about work tonight (Sure my boss is bloody sick of me being sick too and probably looking for a polite way to tell me to get lost). Plus endlessly being skint, cold, feeling pathetic, feeling pathetic about being pathetic, guilty for putting pressure on DP who works really hard and does a lot of home stuff too, guilty as I really don't have any problems at all in comparison to lots of people so why am I incapable of just bucking up and dealing with it? I used to be able to! Argh!

Slept more this weekend than any in the last year and still feel shattered (ok sicky bug will contribute to that...) I just feel like a total waste of space Don't want to be like this!!

[amillionyears]

You are not a waste of space, you are ill.

With something like this secenario, start at the beginning.
The beginning is you are ill,and keep getting ill.
Any chance you can get a doctors appointment sooner?
Also, a couple times a year when I am feeling run down I take a tonic called Metatone which you can buy from a chemist
You could check with the pharmacist before taking it,dont know if you would need to or not, it is bought from off a shelf.
I then take it for 3 days.
It works for me,but doesnt work for everyone.

Not a lot I can do about you being skint I am afraid,apart from the usual money advice.

The chores,DS and DH. Ignore most chores for today, they can wait.
Cope with DS as bext as you can,unless you are able to call on someone to help.
DH, may be better to have limited conversation with him until you feel a bit better! At least, that works best in our household!

[mmmerangue]

I barely speak to DP anyway =[ we had a bit 'serious chat' the other week, I went off on him and sent him a really nasty text after he got up in a mood before work and stomped about, and said something mean about me to DS. I told him at the end of the chat we needed to continue it another night and get some things written down and planned (EG our budget, days to have off to ourselves/ with each other for family sanity, etc.) He was enthusiastic but no more has come of that, doubt he was even listening to half of it after he got his apology for the narky text.

He is a miserable non-conversational person by default and trying to get regular conversation with him is stressful as anything else. He is snappy cos tired, I am overly fragile and non-confrontational so speaking to him about anything other than what's for tea or on telly usually results in him saying something he didn't mean to and me crying about it or going to bed in a huff. Like I said he does lots and I feel telling him my woes just adds to everything on his plate unnecessarily. I want to have Normal adult conversation when he gets in - Me and DS did this, how was your day, did you hear the news, did you see anyone at work, do you want to do something at the weekend? Etc. He wants to sit and watch TV. He never wants to do anything at the weekend. The idea of family days out seems completely foreign to him. Or couples days out. Or either of us having hobbies/days off.

Silence... I feel like this is my permanent state. No point having opinions, feelings or making conversation. DS will do what he feels like whether I whisper, shout or totally ignore him. DP will humm and agree and we will carry on as before. Actually thank god when I leave for work sometimes which is horrible, but at least there there are other things to occupy my mind and the only things people want to talk about are what the soup of the day is and how we cook our steaks. I am going for a very slowly smoked cigarette and a shower. DS can cry about that too... yay.

[mmmerangue]

realise I am just waffling self-absorbed miserable crap now.

Tomorrow is another day...

[amillionyears]

How many hours does dp do during the day and in the evenings?
Has he always overworked?
What was he like when you were going out together.

My DH does long hours too.
I am able,when I need longer talks with him,to accompany him sometimes while he works.
Would that be at all possible for you?

[mmmerangue]

He works a 40 hour week plus 70 minutes travelling time per day, has been on call over summer but not been called out at any of his slots except the last one. He is not doing winter callout which means less money but no weekends where we can't plan things/have to sit in all day in case he gets a call (he works for the council, mainly as a gravedigger so very hard manual work with added germs dirt and misery). I work 3/4 evenings a week (when I'm not bloody sick) so when he comes home I rush about getting ready and head out, and he does tea bath bedtime with LO...

He has always done hard work like that, below his intelligence level imo, but he enjoys his job and is probably (thanks to the intelligence level) in line for a desk job at some point in the next decade which is what he is holding out for. Jobs are hard to find and this (he says) is the best he has had so far.

I don't think with the travelling time or work environment (power tools, hearing protectors, plaguey corpses) I could take DS with me and talk to him, plus would rather he didn't have to hear what a washout his mother is. I could possibly get MIL to take him for a night and assign the night a boring organisational night (as opposed to flopping on the couch with a whiskey & coke and a movie like we would normally when baby-free).

[amillionyears]

oops, no you couldnt really accompany him
hmm, yes it is difficult in your situation,and others like yours when the hours are effectively all used up.
What is he like about texting?
Could you send him more organisational texts and some lovey dovey ones?

[mmmerangue]

I could try but I wouldn't get any back haha!

Thanks million you are being very nice & helpful, got to go get realy for work now though!