Am I losing it? Feel trapped by kids and alone

[AdiVic]

Hello, not sure if this is the right place to post this as it's a whinge and maybe not so much mental health, although I do feel like my mental health has deserted me.

I have 2 kids, DD is 2.5yrs and DS is 5 months. Last year (feb) I discovered at 13 week scan my baby had a few problems and I terminated (hard decision, but ultimately the only one) I had him at 17 weeks, and looking back I can't believe it took 4 weeks of tests, results etc to tell us what we already knew in order to go ahead. When I had him, he was so perfectly formed and I see this image every day, although I'm glad I said goodbye properly.

I've been dwelling on that more and more and feeling lost without him, even though I have had another baby boy since. I am also convinced I am going to die.........my mother died when I was 7 from lung cancer, and guess what, thicko here has smoked over the years - not when pregnant, but I have been having a few rollies on the quiet. I Ma going to knock it on the head, as I know it's disgusting, selfish etc - I never do it near my children.

I am so scared I am going to die and leave my children, I wake up with this thought and dwell on it all day, I can't stop it and it's driving me insane. I am also scared one of my children will die to. I haven't told anyone as they will think I'm negative and nuts.

I also find looking after my kids hard and lonely, and my patience has totally gone. My 2.5yr old girl really pushes it, as they do at that age and I just snap, I will shout and have thrown 2 bowls over the weekend, they were only plastic. What worries me is she doesn't seem that bothered by my outbursts, so maybe she expects this shit behavior from me? I don't' want to be setting a bad example - most of the time she is sweet and loving, and I love her to bits. It's always one of them crying or shouting and I never seem to able to do anything.

Folk have suggested Toddler group, and I have been before DS was born, but now I can't get out the house in time for the 9am start, and to be honest, it's bloody boring - I have enough of the kids at home, I don't' want to go to a room full of them, and spend 2 hours talking about them.

I also find talking to people really hard, and trying to get into a conversation is really difficult, I feel like I'm trying to hard and sound weird - I used to work in sales and could string a sentence together without feeling like a freak.

The worst part is, and I can barely admit this to myself is the sex part:( Back in the day I used to enjoy that part of the relationship, but for the past year or so it has repulsed me, I hate being touched and me and my husband have not had any since DS was born. I know people will say he will sod off and get it elsewhere, and he probably will, but I can't bring myself to get back on the horse. I dont' want to face up to it, but maybe it's me, maybe it's him. I still love him and find his attractive, but he never takes time off work, never is romantic and never makes an effort, I seem to be the house maid and that's it. We have been out for dinner with eachother 3 times in 3 years. We dont' have much family about and I've been breastfeeding so have not left DS - we also live miles from anywhere and babysitters are hard to come by.

I just feel so shit at the mo, and I feel like I'm drifting along in a bubble under a dark cloud. Sorry for the long moan, I just had to get it off my chest and talk to someone. Thank you for reading if you have got this far

[JammySplodger]

Hey there AdiVic, sounds like you're going through what alot of us go through at some point or other; feeling trapped by kids after having an interesting career, not wanting or able to get out of the house, no time for yourself or with your partner and relationships suffering asa result, miles from family - I get all that!

I'm having a good week now but last week really struggled to smile and had no enthisiasm for getting out even though the weather was nice. I've found two toddler groups where I now know a few people well enough for a decent chat, it might be worth sticking with them as you'll not be the only one feeling like you are. I even get to talk about non-children things with them too, which is great!

Do you have any friends that could babysit for you, even for an hour or two so you can go out for a coffee or quiet drink with your DH? Could you ask him to take a half-day or full-day off so you can have some time to yourself? Can you express to free yourself up from a feed or two?

My DH was actually quite concerned for me but it all really helped the two of us when I stared to open up a little. It might also be worth having a chat with your GP about the fear of dying / DCs dying as you might really benefit from someone professional to talk to.

Keep posting if it helps.

[CharlieBoo]

Firstly I'm so very sorry for your loss, that must have been truly awful. Have ou had any counselling for what happened? Secondly, don't beat yourself up!! Youve been through a hell of a lot, and having 2 kids under 3 is challenging!!! Have you been to the gp? Might help to talk it through and see what help is available.

I hope you feel better soon.

[bacon]

Yes, I know how yu feel (house maid) and the madness of being a mum of two young children - its not easy and it seriously drives you insane!

You sound like you've admitted you're not yourself and want help which is a good start to getting to grips with it.

Honestly, there must childminders, baby sitters who will travel - there are sites on google, phone private nursery so if they have staff who baby sit. If not why dont you get a couple of days a week at a nursery, I did this as I couldnt stand 7 days a week home with them. Some nurserys will do 1 day a week and honestly its a godsend. Agree with the toddler group its no escape you need some me-time.

Do you have hobbies, interests, sports you could go back to you seriously need to find joy in life again.

Perhaps your hubby is sensing the vibes too and is unhappy too? If you feel better in yourself and build up the confidence then he may see the old you back?

Have you made a list of how you feel, why you feel, what you could do to change this? Could you move house?

I honestly know how you feel, I am constantly battling with anxeity and have had bouts of highs and lows. Yes, agree that a burst of Ads may be benificial but you also need to boost your confidence and get your old self back. Saying that with young children its a hard challenge!