just lost

[wonderingsoul]

iv name changed. becaus ei dont want to be outed in rl.

i feel so lost, so empty. it feels like im going crazy. tired of it all.

i have to dc. thier dad is a wast of space and is living the high life. i have limted support. going through this stupied "thing" with an ex i still love, he blows hot and cold, an di feel liek a bunny boiler. i swear he waits till iv over or near enough over him and hell do something that make me jump right back in place. what hes doing is twatish but none of the things he actually does is twatish. its hard to explain. im all caught up in it and i hate it.
my two dc are lovely but i worry for them, i worry what there'll turn out liek with me as their only parent. some thug i iamgin. they are so hard work, the eldest is a constant battle. my mind is just full and racing, i feel liek a nut case and i could lose it.
i dont even knwo why im writing this. some sort of escapisim i guess.

i know it will get better. i suffered since i was a child with depression. im just sick of it all. waiting for it to go, waiting for it to come back.

i would normally go to my docs for talk, and am waiting for councling since last year. but im going through i messy divorce. the sperm doner has had many break downs and when i question custerdy with my solictor he said he wouldnt have a chance on getting them u nless i had a break down to. i guess it was said in jest but im to scared to ask for real help now.

[prouduncle]

if you were your best friend what advice would you give to you??? other peoples problems are always easier to deal with than your own problems.

here is what i do when i feel like you

go to a place where no one can hear you (in a car in a car park, big local park or bedroom with music on full blast) and just scream at the top of your lungs. scream till your throat goes croaky and then have a good cry. after that make a small list of changes and stick to them. sometimes you just gotta let it all out. posting on the forum is good for escapism but bottling it up inside without a good cry wont help you

also go to a farmers field (unless you have a pet dog) and tell an animal all about your problems, i sound crazy but when you can talk out loud about your problems its easier to work out how to solve them

sounds crazy but it really works, what have you got to lose? you sound very similar to myself (even though im a man)

hang on in there sweetheart, your not the only one!
xxx