So nervous about DD's party

[fourbears]

Hi everyone. This is my first time starting a thread.

DD's 4th birthday party is on Saturday. I've got an entertainer and it's in the village hall so that's good, although she isn't doing the whole party. There are 17 children coming (so far, three haven't got back yet) and mostly their parents will be staying as they are all quite young. I don't know the parents as DD knows the children coming through her childminder. I wish now I hadn't invited so many, but stupidly thought lots of people would be on holiday.

I had PND quite badly after DD was born. Felt suicidal etc. I've been off ad's for nearly a year but I'm feeling quite down again about this.

I've never been what you would call outgoing but before the depression I coped ok with this kind of thing. I did my older DS's parties, used to help run a toddler group and was involved in the church. Now I don't want to do any of these things. I've withdrawn from everything. Even now I'm a lot better I just don't feel I have any energy for anything outside my own nuclear family. I have a couple of close friends. I don't want to make any more because I have nothing to give them and they take a lot of energy from me. Which makes me feel really crap and mean.

I'm meant to be seeing a friend tomorrow with her DD. They are really nice but I feel like I'm getting snowed under with having to be with other people. It feels like it's all piling up. It affects how I am with the kids as I crave time on my own to make up for it. I would like to cancel her coming but she's had a hard time of it too so I feel I should do it for her.

What makes it worse is that DD is going to another party on the Sunday where I will have to stay so will have to talk to other parents. I wish I could take it all one day at a time but I don't seem to be able.

I know I will mess up somehow at the party. I will say something stupid or not be how I want to be with the children and I will replay it afterwards and beat myself up and cringe. I really want to do it for my DD but I'm so scared.
My DH and my family are helping but I feel like it's my responsibility that it goes well.

Does anyone feel the same about this kind of thing? I guess I need some reassurance that it will be ok.

[Shybairns]

I always get myself in a right tizzy about my DCs parties. I am fine dealing with groups of kids, but when their parents are watching its so different and i feel embarressed.

I think the fact that you have an entertainer will really make the party. Nice food, cake and that's it. You don't need to do anything else. The kids will enjoy the free time to run wild.

And can you hide in the kitchen for a bit? Make tea and coffee? Can you talk to your dh and give him a job like doing a game/race or making all the grown up drinks or whatever.

It will be absolutely fine. And the other parents will appreciate that you are stressed. Kids parties are bloomin hard work.

[fourbears]

Thanks so much Shybairns. Hiding in the kitchen is a great idea! Will try that one. DH is even shyer than me if that's possible so he may not go for that! DS who is 12 is very outgoing (don't know who he got that from) is raring to go. I should let him do it, shouldn't I? We're having pass the parcel before tea and he would love to be in charge, bless him.

Thank you for saying it will be absolutely fine!!

[bacon]

I always get shakey before a party, also freak out trying to make everything perfect - I am exhausted at the end! Including making a perfect cake.

Go in with a big smile no matter how false - it will attract people and will receipiate back with positive comments and the conversation will flow.

Making tea and coffee is also a great ice breaker, offer cake - mums love it and you will get a buzz!

I also get lows and drives when this pressure is on but dont worry its only temporary and doesnt mean anything. Have a nice meal planned for the evening when you get home so you can relax and enjoy opening presents with your little one.

People think I am very bubbly and confident but I'm far from that but I dont want to show people what I'm really like as it sets up barriers. Go in bright!

[fourbears]

Hi bacon! Thanks so much for taking the time to respond.

There are 18 children coming now!

DH has been lovely and said he will do as much of the party and prep as I want and that I don't even have to go if I don't want. I do want to be there though but it's so nice to think there's a get out of jail free card. I'm building it up far too much in my mind, I know.

I did ask my friend if we could postpone her visit today and she was fine with it, although may be privately a bit annoyed. But I can't worry about that too.

My clue was crying myself to sleep and taking a teddy to bed to cuddle I realised then I have to be careful. I'm petrified of becoming depressed again. Still seem so vunerable to really very normal, everyday stress. DD isn't helping at the moment. She's having a huge tantrum because I won't give her her presents now. Her birthday isn't till thursday!
She won't be reasoned with or comforted.

I'm a bit worried about her behaviour on the day too if I'm honest. She is very, let's say, inflexible and wilful. If she gets an idea in her head, there's no changing it. I love her so much. But I wish it could already be next week and over and done with.

[savoycabbage]

It's a great idea to let your ds run the pass the parcel.

Have a think to see if there are any other bits and bobs he could be in charge of.

Definitely loiter in the kitchen. If anyone asks if they can do anything then don't be afraid to ask them to help putting the food out or whatever. People don't mind mucking in in my experience.

I always make a list when I do a party. So if the party starts at 3pm then

3.10 hokey kokey
3.15 pass the parcel
3.25 entertainer
4.30 food
4.45 cake. Happy Birthday

It helps me make sure I don't miss anything out.

[fourbears]

Thanks savoy! Yes, I think I need to let the others take it off me a bit. After all, they are all competent and willing. Just can't shake the feeling that the mother should be doing most of it, running games etc. I haven't got a voice that carries and small children tend to take no notice of me. My friend came to one of DS's parties and took over the games when I couldn't make myself heard. I know she thought she was helping but it made me feel that big like I was just so useless. She didn't really even give me a chance, just took over. She's a teacher so just has that natural authority with kids. Would love to have that.

[savoycabbage]

You could have a practice at 'teacher talking' when you are in the car (alone!) or in the shower. Your friends will know that you feel uncomfortable with certain things and will want to help you out.

If you would feel more comfortable with some of the adults going then let them know you are happy for them to go. Some of them will be delighted! Get a piece of paper and a pen and leave it some where and say 'pop your number down there if you are going' so they know it's an option.

Remember, this is for your dd. she will love it!

[MediumOrchid]

I think an important thing to realise is that it doesn't matter if something doesn't go to plan - it's a 4th birthday party, no-one will expect it to all go flawlessly! So if the children don't want to play a particular game, it doesn't matter, move on to the next or let them play by themselves for a bit. Or if a child gets upset about something, that's normal, it doesn't mean you've done something wrong.

And there's nothing wrong with your dh or someone else doing some organising on the day - I don't think anyone would think that was odd, they'd probably just assume you were busy with food or something.

I'm sure your dd will have a lovely day

[fourbears]

Thank you savoy and medium! Really appreciate the support.

I really need to get everything into proportion. It should be a lovely day, not something to be dreaded. I do definitely have a bit of a complex about not being good enough, especially as a mother. I'm working on it in counselling.

That's the thing I think. It's in public and very important to me that DD and her friends have a nice time so very loaded. I think next year it might be a soft play party with chips and sausages after!