Where do I go now?

[Arana]

So this weekend, a year after my mental health problems started, and currently taking no medication (except thyroxine, but that should have no negative effects) I totally lost it again. I've been suicidal in the past (and recently) and I regularly self harm.

Saturday was stressful, but OK. Sunday ? well the kids (2 and 4) woke up about three times in the night, then woke up for the morning at 6:30. I got them up, put the TV on, gave them a yoghurt and went back to bed.

An hour later they ask for breakfast, so DH gets up, and gets them breakfast. He then goes downstairs to play on the computer for an hour or so. While he?s on the PC, the kids are with me, entertaining themselves, but also needing lots of input (bum wiping, food provision, intervention into arguments etc) and they end up in bed with me ? generally jumping, wriggling, etc etc.

DH then comes up and decides that it?s time to get up, we need to go shopping. I ask for 10 minutes alone in bed which he agrees to, but doesn?t actually take the kids away to leave me alone, and comes back after 5 minutes asking when I?m getting up.

So by this time I?m pretty stressed. I get up and go to the loo. DH has decided to cook everyone scrambled eggs for breakfast, and while I?m on the loo ? I hear him say to DS about my crappy time management skills. It was meant in a sarcastic way, but DS is 4 ? he doesn?t do sarcasm, so as far as I?m concerned it was just badmouthing me.

So I flip at DH, because it?s felt like he?s done nothing but criticize me, while being wonderfully superior and perfect himself. He responds that I?m ungrateful, I never appreciate anything he does etc etc etc.

So basically, he?s angry at me, I?m angry at him ? we?re both stressed out, and the kids aren?t helping a jot. They?re dawdling, refusing to get dressed etc (normal behaviour for them, regardless of circumstances).

I was upset because of what felt like DH harassing me and badmouthing me in front of DS, he mistook my grumpiness and frustration for I don?t know what. Anyway, the long and the short of it, is that I flipped out. All I wanted was for DH to come and assure me it?s going to be OK, I don?t need a long winded apology, just for him to put his anger down. Instead, twice he disappeared downstairs, came back after 20 minutes to see if I ?was in a better mood?. I just spiralled out of control. I didn?t want to go out (food) shopping until we?d sorted this out, as I hate shopping while I?m crying uncontrollably (understandable I think). I screamed at him, he kept on raising his voice at me etc etc.

After that, I don?t remember much of what happened. I remember trying to climb over the balcony to throw myself off, I remember DH stopping me, but me running away from him, cowering in a corner (DH has never laid a finger on me FYI), throwing myself into the wall (breaking it), trying to grab a knife to cut my throat. DH opened my pill box of oxazepam and handed me one. I grabbed the rest of the bottle (about 10 pills in there) and necked them, then shut myself in the bedroom. DH came in about 5 minutes later to say the dose I?d taken wouldn?t kill me, I?d just sleep well. The next think I know it was 8 hours later and Sunday had gone.

This is so far from normal it?s unbelievable. DH has always thought that it was the ADs that made me like this (I only had my first ?psychotic? episode like this after I started taking them) but I?m not taking anything.

I?m seeing a psychiatrist, but I haven?t specifically mentioned episodes like this ? just said that sometimes my emotions get out of control, I get really angry etc.

What do I do? What do I say? I really can?t go on like this ? my marriage will end, I will end, something bad will happen. The only stability in my life is my job which I do full time, 5 days a week, and gives me time to recharge so I can face the noise and frustration of my family. Even when I?m not a psycho, I?m still shouty mum. I shout at them for the smallest thing, but can?t stand it when they shout, or are noisy (which they are a lot, as is DH).

Please help me. I don?t know what to do, but I know I can?t carry on.

[PackItInNow]

Well you should mention the episodes with your Psychiatrist and you should also let your DH come with you to the meetings so he can be helped to fully understand how you are feeling and why you feel like that (which is what the Psychitrist can explain to your DH).

It will also help your Psychiatrist get the full picture of your condition and so you can be better helped. To get the best treatment for your condition, you need to give ALL details of episodes, mood swings, other symptoms etc.

You need to be mentally better to help your DH take care of the kids. I was once told by my HV that if I didn't look after myself mentally and physically, then I couldn't care for my kids well. I, for one, do believe that.

I hope you let your Psychiatrist know everything so you can get the best treatment for your condition. Hopefully you'll get better soon.

[Arana]

I feel suicidal every day. I don't know how long I can keep it up. I've talked to people but they're just not interested any more.

[PackItInNow]

Keep talking Arana, I'm listening, interested and have loads of patience. I think patience wears thin when a person keeps going on about the same things most days/every day.

Not with me though. There'll always be something slightly different because the way a person sees something one day, they may not see it the same way the next IYSWIM. This could be after having a better night's sleep, or other reasons

I'm always ready to listen and ask questions to try and help others help themselves by seeing things from a different angle. If this helps others see life in a better way, , then that's part of what I aim to do.

[serengetty]

Do you have an emergency mental health contact you can phone? Sounds like you need more support than you are getting, and at risk of harming yourself. It's not normal to feel like that, you know that and need to get yourself some help.

[OnLineCBTTherapist]

greentrees has a good suggestion, then have a really open conversation with your psych.

your mood, and suicidal feelings may well be a sign of you anting things to stop being as they are, but suicide is a permanent solution for a situation that you may be able to change and that is more temporary than you think.

Start with an open conversation with your psych

[Arana]

I think I'll write my psych a letter/email.

I have a tendency to go "yes I'm fine" when asked by anyone.

[OnLineCBTTherapist]

That sounds like a great idea