Mum's temper

[quirrelquarrel]

Hey,
I don't really know why I'm writing this because there's nothing that can be done, but I'd like to know if anyone else has had this kind of problem at all. Basically my mum has always been very mercurial and I have my own 'issues' with her (she is always very sweet at times- but then the rest I always felt pushed away), but now, recently, it seems to have gone up to a whole new level.

She gets angry over the tiniest things. She can scream and rage on a level which seems completely bizarre for the subject and then ten minutes later she can be completely normal again. I can pay lots of attention to her and ask if she wants a cup of tea, if she wants me to run her a bath etc, and then an hour later she'll be screaming 'why can't you ever be nice to me? you're such a pest" usually after I've asked her why she's so angry, which is usually about something so simple as me mishearing her. She hates it when I ask her why she's shouting so hard, she says I'm accusing her 'again'- and I don't know I ask it because it obviously provokes her- I think I'm just appealing to her sense of what's rational and what's not, because her reactions are certainly not rational. I don't think I could get through to her at all.

I have no idea how someone can get so incredibly blinded by rage. She can be angry and then laugh the next minute. A lot of the time I just want to stay out of her way but that's not really possible. She's a SAHM but I'll move out soon and I think she's feeling the pressure to get out and get a job, but she doesn't want to. It's more complicated than that but this is the gist of it. Ever since I was little she's reminded me of a child. Maybe that's rude and silly but she just gives in to all her impulses and UGH I don't know how to sort through all this, but I wish I could cut contact with her. It's a rollercoaster living with her. I don't know if she's going to welcome me or reject me. It is true, I do feel like her pest, always have! lol. No self pity, honest.

I'm sorry it's so so long. I know people won't really read through it all. Sometimes I feel sorry for her but it's hard when I feel scared of her tempers. Thanks for any replies.

[amillionyears]

How old are you?
Are there other members of the family living in the house as well?
Would she see a GP if you think that is appropriate?

[quirrelquarrel]

18. My dad too and he's v. stressed. God we're a cheery bunch. We have good times too....but it's all different to how it was.
    She will see the GP, we've talked about it....but she won't actually make the appointment. She says "nothing will get done over the summer", come Autumn it'll be "I'm far too busy to do things like that" and so on. I keep suggesting things like CBT, group therapy if she doesn't want one on one, and I don't know....thanks for replying. I'm soon to go to a counsellor myself and my mum doesn't have the best impression of her (which I think is irrational) so she says she wouldn't want to go to her if she was offered a referral.

[Solo]

How old is your Mum?

[amillionyears]

Im not the best person to answer things but I will do my best.
Somebody more knowledgeable than me will hopefully come along later.
I think,if I were you,I would make a GPs appointment for her,at a time that you know she could get there.
Then tell her when the appoin
tment is for.Are there any GPs she respects better than others?
Sorry that I cannot even make a guess as to what is wrong with her.
You sound lovely by the way.Well done for how you are coping.

[NiceCupOfTeaAndASitDown]

My mum was exactly the same when I was growing up, I'd never dare suggest she get some help though - I was terrified of her!

I know it's hard because you look up to your parents but they aren't the perfect people we think they are and probably the best thing you can do is concentrate on making a life for yourself.

Things came to a head for us when I was 25. My mum was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and a lot of things that happened in my childhood suddenly made sense. Some people are just angry but sometimes there is an underlying condition to blame (I think my mum's strict upbringing didn't help, her temper was how she controlled things) - unfortunately if she won't get help for herself it might just be a case of waiting for 'something' to happen.

My best advice would be to try and spend time with friends and people who make you feel good. You're not a pest, I know she's your mum but that doesn't mean she's always right!

[madmouse]

If this is a recent thing and your mum was of average age when she had you she may well be in the menopause and her hormones may be all over the place. This is not an excuse for her behaviour but may well be the explanation. Think bad PMT.

[Solo]

That's what I was thinking madmouse because that's how I am :( hormones are a bitch.

[quirrelquarrel]

She can be really lovely though...she is unbalanced, she is an artist. Inspired, enthusiastic, thoughtful, loving, obsessed one minute and the next cold, detached, teasing, caustic, touchy. She is only whatever emotion has hold of her. I don't think I've ever seen her fake any emotion well. Make the most of the good times, we have to. This recent thing just scratches the surface with her....she is SO complicated, and not in a 'mysterious' way, but just....aaargh.

Thanks amillionyears :-) I was worrying in case I was being too critical and I'd not be able to see that it was me the unreasonable one! and thank you to everyone who replied too- I feel quite guilty now- saying all that stuff about her. But I'm so fed up.

I can't believe I didn't think of it being menopause- she does talk about the stage that comes before sometimes, peri-whatever it is- and that makes lots of sense. Very reassuring in a way. More a case of waiting for the storm to pass than having to play God and mess around with therapy and pills when she doesn't even want to. I really do feel sorry for her now! She can be as moody if she wants if she's going through that.

[CheeseandPickledOnion]

If this additional anger is recent, I'd put money on Perimenopause. God I remember my mother during the years she went through menopause and they were the worst of teen life. Teenager + menopause = HELL.

[madmouse]

quirrel she does still have a responsibility to not hurt those around her though, there is no need to completely let her off the hook.

[amillionyears]

Has she ever been physically violent to you? Or to your dad?
You dont have to answer if you dont want to.