What did/does your PND feel like

[Tizzylizzy]

I had my DD around 14 months ago. My PND (well anxiety actually) has been a living nightmare.

I find every day (sometimes every minute) is a struggle. My world is one of fear and confusion. Often it gets so bad I have to just go to bed.

I find that my life is too much to cope with. I feel like sympathy is starting to run out.

When will life get better?

[Tizzylizzy]

I'm also worried it's not PND and actually I'm losing it.

[MorrisZapp]

That sounds very familiar (wee hug).

I had anxiety and panic attacks. I actually thought my first panic attack was a heart attack, but I was ok with that as I wanted to die anyway.

I also felt utterly, utterly empty. Just nothingness. Nothing made me happy.

Once I was diagnosed and on the meds, I improved pretty quickly. Over a year on now, I feel fine, but still on the meds.

So sorry you're going through this, do you have decent support? Have you seen GP etc?

[Tizzylizzy]

Hi there - thank you so much for answering me. It's a dark day. But they all seem to be at the moment.

I'm having counselling but not on meds simply because I'm petrified of them - I'm worried they could throw me further out of control.

I'm even scared of looking after my own DD. Off with her today and just have this constant feeling of panic.

How do people survive this? I feel so abandoned my life.

[Tizzylizzy]

• by life

[heliumballoon]

Poor you Tizzy. What RL support are you getting, eg drugs, counselling, family or HV support?
It does get better but help means it gets better faster.

[heliumballoon]

X post, sorry.
I went bonkers after DD1 and I refused all meds. I regret that now, I was just in no position to make a sensible decision. I am no cheerleader for drugs but would you ever reconsider? It sounds like you are really suffering.
Does the counselling feel like it's helping?

[Belleflowers]

Hi op

well, just wanted to say I was exactly like you when my dd was 14mths, she is now 3 and only 3 weeks ago did i finally sort out meds

wish i had done it so much sooner

i'm on the lowest dose possible, 5mg of escalitopram(chk spelling sorry) and i take one tiny tablet at 9pm each night. No nasty side effects except a wobbly upset tummy like nausea for the 2nd week. Of course i has imagined the worst, which was putting me off for so long

i just wish i had done it sooner

the effect of the tablet is similar to that of a gin & tonic - i feel relaxed from my head to my feet initially, watch tele for an hour then go to sleep, and i've been having the best sleeps of my life, without grogginess next day

over time, it is making my panic disappear, and i have more energy and can think so much clearer too

my constant headaches have gone too.

hope this helps you a bit, i would tell your GP asap and put a start to end all the horrible panic, as it really is horrible to feel like that every day, been there

[MorrisZapp]

Oh absolutely. Please ask your GP about medication. It's not scary, really, its v v common and millions of people take them.

I'm on sertraline and it saved my life. I hated looking after DS too, god I feel every inch of your pain.

It does change, it does get better, and from what you've said here it sounds like you have an illness that really does require medical treatment. Pm me if you're scared.

[Tizzylizzy]

Thanks for all of your responses. I can't really explain how I feel which is making me feel isolated in itself - just weird and not like I was before DD. Will take you up on that offer Morris. Need to get dinner time out the way :)

[scottishmummy]

go to GP get consultation
consider AD
I hope things resolve,and best wishes

[IcouldstillbeJoseph]

I delayed taking AD until life was unbearable. I saw them as a sign of weakness and the final nail in the coffin of 'not coping'.
Thank heaven my HV sat with me and made me see sense.
Please get some medication OP, it sounds like you have an illness that needs treating with tablets.... Just like if you had a chest infection.

PND is the loneliest place. I hope you are free from it soon and start to feel the sheer joy that a toddler can bring when they're not tantruming

[Alicia26]

Hi there, I also had PND - anxiety and insommnia and it was awful so I really feel for you. I saw a psychiatrist after 4 weeks post baby and I went onto the AD sertaline. It has been fantastic. I was better within 6 weeks. My baby is now 8 months old and I am happier than i was pre PND. I too was worried about ADs but I have had no issues whatsoever as my Psych promised. As other posts have said pls reconsider. I love every day with my little one and I know if I hadn't had some help I would still be in that awful place now. There is nothing to be scared about and they are not addictive. Take care x

[annekins]

I found the hardest thing was explaining to other people how I felt, I couldn't put it into word. I just felt a great nothing inside and couldn't leave the house.

Sertraline had saved my life too, I think of AD's as a way to help me get on with caring for my gorgeous DD and get myself better. I still have dark days, have just had a whole week of them, but I can now enjoy the good days and keep the good memories to get me through the bad ones.

Please get some more help, counselling would have been no good to me to start as I couldn't open up. After a few months now on my AD's, I just starting to be able to talk. It will take time but you will feel better.

[scottishmummy]

AD can give an uplift,overcome the low
talking therapy requires an engagement and ability to talk. unfortunately there is enduring stigmatization of meds as weakness.

[Tizzylizzy]

I have started counselling. I am a talker so I'm really hoping it helps.

I know so many people on ADs - including family members - and I honestly don't see them as a sign of weakness. My anxiety is so heinous though that every little hiccup I'd be blaming the meds and berating myself for going on them.

I fucking HATE this. It's not me. A weirdness just takes over and I feel so panicked. The simplest of tasks can send me into a tizz - phoning the bank, wrapping a parcel. Everything seems a mission.

My head just feels totally screwed up and it's so frightening. Why on earth am I going through it? It seems so unfair. Sorry for the moan - it just helps when I get it out there.

Is there a risk I could screw myself up for life if I continue to refuse the ADs? Does this even sound like depression or am I just going mad?

[EveryRiver]

I really identify with the whole 'mammoth task' thing - I remember so clearly how every day just making dinner seemed like an almost insurmountable hurdle. I struggled for months after my son was born. For some reason I was convinced I just needed to pull myself together and it would pass - while it was obvious to DH and my family that I needed some help.

Like you I really didn't want to take pills - I felt like I'd be judged for it - but wish now I'd taken them sooner. I was on a low dose for 6 months, and after an upset stomach that led to changing brand, things started to improve within weeks. It's only now, looking back, that I realise just how miserable I actually was.

Do have another think about giving meds a go, it might be just enough to help you get over the worst and let you start enjoying you baby.

[scottishmummy]

why do you refuse AD?
stigma?fear of taking?you seem v adamant about not trying AD
the AD could significantly help, and frankly you know your not coping, why decline a potential solution.

the alternative you're experiencing isn't suiting you either

meds are monitored dosage can be reviewed ongoing I suggest you talk to GP, the reticence to take meds

[Alicia26]

Hi I completely understand your worries about taking ADs but once you're on them you won't worry about taking them as they take all your anxiety away. I used to try to get anxious after taking them for a couple of months and you cant! It's so hard to think rationally when you're in that place but you will get better so quickly on the meds. X

[madmouse]

Would you refuse insulin if you had diabetes? Stop treating mental illness as something you should somehow be able to control without help.

[Tizzylizzy]

I know I know. But I've had bad experiences with meds before - mainly the pill. I have a gut instinct that anti Ds will mask my anxiety/depression and then it will come back ten fold if I try and come off them - or am I talking nonsense?

I just know when I came off the pill (which I was taking to control acne) I stopped them the my skin went mental - in fact it was so bad I found it hard to cope. The original problem seemed almost non existent in comparison.

A lot of my anxiety/depression also seems connected to my hormones in that it used to go wild when I dropped a feed and now it goes wild around my periods.

[scottishmummy]

you seem to be scrabbling about to create reasons not to take
meds will address a chemical imbalance and enable you to have a recovery
I do suggest you explore with GP an adequate meds regime, and acknowledge you have a stigma or unfounded fear of meds. I really do understand, that meds are seen as a weakness, or a belief that one should be able to self heal. pull self together for want of a beter phrase ( I don't agree with this I must emphasize)

[Tizzylizzy]

but I don't want to take ADs! What if it all goes wrong?! It could make me worse etc etc. What did cave women do? My mood has picked up a bit as you all may detect...until the next time.

[scottishmummy]

your steadfastly declining legitimate treatment for spurious what ifs
given you describe a living nightmare it's a shame your denying yourself a chance of recovery and wellbeing

this is unlikely to spontaneously resolve
ADc could give you the lift you need

[Tizzylizzy]

To be honest Scottishmummy it simply can't go
on much longer - so it is a solution I must consider. Thank you for your concern.