Depression or just stressed/ fed up?

[matana]

I've never suffered from depression before so have nothing to compare this with.

I suppose i lead quite a stressful life when you analyse it, but i've never really thought about it and have just tended to get on with things before. I am mum to a wonderful 18 mo DS, have an amazing husband and work FT. My job is pretty stressful in itself lots of deadlines, but i've always enjoyed my work. My boss is the biggest stresser though - awful to work for - scatter gun approach to things, moves the goalposts on a daily basis, expects more from me than i frankly feel i have the capacity to give. My priority now lies with my family, but she just doesn't seem to want to accept that and wants me to be more ambitious - presumably because her own 'success' depends on the success of the individuals working for her. So the pressure from her feels relentless. I work in the public sector where there's a lot of change and redundancy and my job is not guaranteed beyond November. I work from home 2 days a week to enable easier drop offs/ pick ups from the CM, which means i can reduce childcare costs and see more of my DS. The flexible working is subject to 3 monthly reviews and my boss has recently started intimating that it might not be workable for much longer.
I returned to work FT from mat leave last August, came back to find out that the post that supported me previously was now vacant. So for around 3 months i was doing 2 jobs, whilst trying to 'catch up' on events since i left almost a year ago and trying to recruit to a vacant position. I made a fantastic appointment who really helped me find my feet again, began supporting me to do my job, i felt like i was finally maing progress. Last week she resigned for a better job.

I'm not a particularly tearful/ emotional person, but just recently i've been bursting into tears at the drop of a hat. I feel like i'm going at 100 miles an hour and making no impact at work or at home. I've begun being so horrible to my wonderful DH and i just can't stop myself. I know i'm being unreasonable and always end up apologising to him, but i do it again and again. There are times when i feel sort of 'empty' and just can't be bothered with the effort any more. I don't feel like my old, positive self any more. I've had a few dizzy spells and sometimes get a bit 'shakey'. I'm scared of going to the doctor because i don't want to be put on tablets. The idea of it scares me witless.

I went to occupational health yesterday for the first time ever to talk things through. I felt a bit better when i left, especially when i was able to spend a couple of hours in the sunshine with my DS and DH. But then i was back to feeling hollow again by bedtime and this morning i can't muster much enthusiasm.

I haven't taken anything out on my DS, but i have difficult days, especially because he's hit a 'difficult' phase of biting and hitting and i sometimes wonder if it's because i don't spend enough time with him. Otherwise he's a well adjusted, happy little boy who i love from the bottom of my heart and soul.

This hasn't been going on for months, more like weeks now. But usually when i'm just a bit fed up i snap out of it within a few days. What is wrong with me?

[igetcrazytoo]

I think you've got so much on your plate that its most likely stress, however the empty/hollow feeling needs keeping an eye on.

I think you should get checked over for the dizzy/shakey spells - doesn't necessarily mean pills (and you can't be forced to take them if you really don't want to.

It can take a long time for hormones to settle down after a baby, and I personally believe that vitamin/mineral deficiencies can arise after the stresses of pregnancy/birth/breastfeeding.

There was a piece on radio 4 about good fats/bad fats about how omega 3 fats stores get used up by the baby (Omega 3 is a real brain food) - I'm going to look into this for myself as I often feel as you describe (but don't have the baby and FT job).

[MrsMuddyPuddles]

Hiya, I was terrified of tablets, too. I am currently on some (the tricyclic Lofepramine (chosen because I was breastfeeding when I started them), with the odd diazapram when I need it). What are your concerns?

Mine were mostly the idea of messing with my brain chemistry which I've realized is a bit daft, since it gets messed with from food, sleep or lack thereof, using paracetamol, etc, and the "may cause suicidal side effects" thingy that SSRIs have (which, as it turns out, is MOSTLY a risk for teenagers and 20-somethings, and there was some other catagory my GP quoted). I also was uncomfortable with the idea of a GP prescribing these things (not sure what's changed, prob just am more used to the system here, and have found a GP I trust- when I first went in for depression this time around, she said that, as I had time off for christmas and then a 2 week holiday in Jan,to just keep an eye on it, and come back if the holiday didn't fix it, rather than jumping straight into "here have some drugs")

So, non-medical options:

Omega 3 and 6 fatty acids have a reputation for helping with mild depression which you may or may not have: I'm no doctor! (they certainly were under investigation 10 years ago, when I was last "offered " ADs), light exercise daily, and sunlight/daylight between 11-2 can also help. apparently, excercise can help as much as ADs, if you aren't so far down the rabbit hole that you can't get yourself out the door to workout

The other thing I want to say is that, 10 years ago when I was offered ADs I said, basically "hell NO! MAYBE from a psych but def not from a GP, no offence".

I was then given councelling straight away, and a referal to a psych. (I think I must have had a repeat visit, as after the first one, I went and researched stuff online and found the thing about the omega 3/6 fatty acids. The GP said "it's certainly healthy, it won't hurt" rather sceptically, but the psych mentioned that a clinical trial was underway. He also said that it's 2 weeks min to affect brain chemistry, so keep this in mind if you do go down a herbal route please not st John's Wort without a herbalist guiding you, IMO that's as scary as "real" ADs for messing with your brain chemistry and interacting with other drugs )

Good luck. It could be depression or anxiety or "just" stress, but it's definately worth checking out, even if only continuing to talk to your occupational health team.

[anchovies]

The empty/hollow feeling is definitely something to keep an eye on. If your GP is good I would definitely recommend talking it through with him/her.

This questionnaire was what my GP did and I scored pretty horrendously despite thinking I was mostly ok!

As for the tablets, you don't have to take anything, there may be alternatives (CBT, counselling etc) but if they are advised I would really think long and hard about your reasons for not taking them. I eventually tried them (out of desperation!) and I can honestly say they have turned my life around :)