Am feeling scared to post this, in case I get negative replies even worse than the ideas in my own head... But here goes. I am feeling really bad and slipping into a depression because of a termination I had a year ago. I have a history of depression and anxiety, and had very bad AND and PND with my first dc, ending up with me in a psychiatric hospital for a month. It was a pregnancy I had major doubts about but didn't dare to terminate. Slowly the depression got better, so much that I decided to have another dc, and that pregnancy was much better, but i still had PND and anxiety after. Have suffered for a long time with the awful guilt of not having been a great mother to my lovely lovely dc during the depressions. My relationship with DP has also suffered a lot, endless arguments, threats by each of us to leave, etc. But last year I felt we were finally getting back on track, with the two dc doing well, me feeling better and looking forward to going back to work part-time, which always helps me, and me and DP getting on a lot better at last. My younger dc was 11 months when I found out I was pg again, completely by accident. I felt I couldn't cope with another child so soon, given how I/we were already struggling with the first two and I just couldn't face going ahead with a pregnancy that once again would be stressful and unhappy. I feared it would affect everyone badly, me, dc, DP - that the fragile equilibrium we had would go out of the window. DP didn't want to go ahead with the pregnancy either (though he didn't pressurize me). I terminated that pregnancy.
Strangely I felt ok about it for a while and our family life did actually continue to get better. But recently thoughts about it are coming back and now I think about it all the time and I feel dreadful about it. I cannot understand why I did it and it seems such a drastic, out-there thing to have done. Surely life with 3 dc would not have been so bad?
Am desperate to believe I have not done a bad, bad thing, but it seems so black to me. How can I be a loving mother and do this? I am sure many people will be critical but would be very grateful if any answers were not too critical because I am struggling so much. Thank you.
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Mental health
feeling desperate and so guilty
9 replies
olivever · 17/04/2012 20:46
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