Worried about a situation with friend and two children

[AnnaJames12]

I have a dear old friend who is 26 and now mother to two beautiful young children. She suffers from very severe depression and we, as her good friends (we grew up together, so are in fact more like sisters), have tried to be there for her. This has involved tidying for her, babysitting and supporting her. She asks us to visit very often, and I have been through phases where I have had lots of energy to spend time in her flat and help her, but recently, I and most of our circle of friends have grown weak with trying to support her.

There are a few big problems that are shocking us and we do not know what to do any more, as nothing we say or do seems to make any difference. Our friend lives in complete filth. She has two cats who have had kittens, and there are smells of cat poo and wee everytime we visit. This is because she and her partner do not change the litter tray and the cats poo and wee around it. The floor is filthy, with old food scraps that the baby (1 years old) sometimes picks up and eats. Our friend and her partner allow their son, who is two years old, to watch TV all day. I am not joking, I am being completely serious. He watches TV from the moment he wakes, watches all day and he falls asleep to the TV too. She does not partake in activities with the children and she does not leave the house often at all. Our beautiful friend has become severely obese and she wears her pyjamas all day at home. They are covered in grease and food dirt, as is the whole flat. When we visit, she does not dress. She does not dress the children either, and there are huge piles of washing (about 4 bin bags full) that spill out all over the flat. The children are constantly 'ill' meaning that she does not wish to meet us for playing in the park, nor does she ever visit us at our homes. We feel, as a group, that the children are unwell due to the conditions of the flat, and also because they do not get much exercise or fresh air.

I have painted a very dramatic picture, and I am aware that these are all symptoms of a severely depressed person who is not coping very well. Our friend has been receiving CBT for depression for a year, and was recently visited by the social services, who gave a very sweet report, stating that they have requested that she clean the flat, however that she is a very good mother. It is true, she is a very loving and caring mother and person, however, she no longer cares about herself! She believes that we hate her because we don't often visit, but we do love her, it has just become very hard for us to know how to behave in her company, as we all want to advise and help every time we visit. We just want to see her happy and healthy, and of course, that will help the children to be happy and healthy as well. She does not seem to realise how bad things really are and how disturbed we are by the flat and her attitude. We have talked to her before and I have sat down with her on many occasions to think of positive baby steps and talk about how she feels, but it seems that her bad hygiene and habits are getting worse.

One mutual friend has suggested to her closest mates, me included, that we find a time when her partner can look after the children, and we try to get her to come out to one of our houses, where we may possibly try an intervention, with 5 or 6 of us there to talk to her about what is going on and how it is affecting us and how she feels, and try to be there for her.

But we are very worried that this may make things worse, as we have noticed that when people try to intervene, even in the most loving ways we can think of, she becomes even more depressed and feels offended, unloved and guilty.

Her partner works very long hours in a labour job and she is a stay home mum. He is not very supportive in the fact that, I think he tries, he just seems to not care about the flat either. Plus his mum has just passed away and I think he is depressed as well.

How can we help her/them?

Thank you,

[Petesmum]

It sounds like you are being a very caring & concerned friend. And I'm sure that eventually your friend will see this too.
I'm not sure if these ideas will help but...have you tried contacting Sure Start? They have local volunteers to support mums & they might know of other support options...or perhaps contacting social services yourself? They may offer more advice or support...perhaps talking to her GP to see if there's any more treatment available?...failing that maybe a big dose of honesty. Tell her that her flats smelly & dirty, that you're worried about her kids etc she might not like it initially but the shock
of people close up her saying that could work??
Good luck xx

[cestlavielife]

Five or six of you having a go at aher ? As she will see it.. Not sure is best approach. You all need to get some advice from people used to dealing with people with mental health issues like rethink or mind as to how to approach it. Have a chat with rethink or mind locally for advice. Or carers uk.

And if ss are happy well you could go to ss yourselves and point out extent you your concerns see what other help might be available to her . but she has to accept it you cannot force it.

Did she show you the ss report ? How do you know what was in it ?

Presumably dc will go to nursery at some point so will get stimulation then ? can you encourage her to apply for nursery place?

[cestlavielife]

Also would she let you take the children out ? So at least the children get fresh air even if she deposits not feel like it?

There is a limit to what you can do for her as an adult she is gertting cbt so under mh team of sme sort and ss have said she is good mother apparently... but maybe you could do more directly for the children? Taking them out ? Feeding them good food ?

[cestlavielife]

If she does not feel like it. .