Could he have bi polar?

[multicolouredpen]

I'll try not to let this get complicated.

My ex husband (of 12 years) and father of my 14 yr old son, had 4 children from his marriage before me. The eldest has just told me that she is under the psychiatrist and he is suggesting that he think she may be suffering from bi polar disorder.

I know that these things are often genetically linked and to be honest, her and her father are very similar in personality. I'm concerned about her but also about her father (my ex) and their relationship and obviously how this all impacts on our son.

My ex has always lurched from one crisis to another all his life, he is now 54 years old and is still living his life in an incredibly stressful way.

I used to find his bad moods almost intolerable and there was nothing I could seem to do to pull him out of them. There was always something or someone else to blame and at the time, it all seemed very feasible that it was the outside stresses that were causing him the problem and not the other way round. However, in the end, I realised that his bad moods (never violent or aggressive towards me or my son or his other kids) were damaging to my self esteem and to that of our son and I left him. That was 10 years ago. He has been an unreliable father to our son but I have made very great efforts to maintain the contact for our son.

He seems incapable of making sensible long term decisions and ends up in a mess financially and his love life is erratic and full of turmoil. He was in tears yesterday because his 3 other eldest kids have disowned him and he ended up rowing with his eldest daughter and his pregnant partner is already showing signs of being fed up with him. I feel so sorry for him and his daughter and end up trying to mediate and help them which they are grateful for, but I also know this is not my job anymore!

When my ex is happy, he will be very happy and positive, believing he can start up any sort of business and that he is better than other people. He can get "obsessed" with something, (which I had put down as a "bloke" thing) for example sitting on the pc til the early hours to finish a game or buying very expensive entertainment systems that take over the whole house.

Bearing in mind the possible diagnosis for his daughter, is it possible that at 54 yrs old he could be undiagnosed bi polar? And if so, how could this affect our son?

[CrystalMaize]

I wouldn't dream of suggesting a diagnosis, but this sounds very like my ExH. He has had several breakdowns and seems unable to look after himself. He has no children, so it's difficult to make a comparison. I have suggested he ask the doctor about it. I'm not sure it's genetic, only that a certain predisposition towards mental health problems can "run in families". I can see why you are worried though. Is DS exhibiting any behaviour that would make you think there is a problem?

I do sympathise with you as I still find myself looking after ExH when things go wrong. Equally, he can be unstoppable (manic?) about new projects. It's either extreme highs or crashing lows.

Have you suggested a visit to the GP?

[fedupandtired]

Of course it's possible that he's bipolar. I'm bipolar and I strongly suspect my dad is too and he's 61. He's on his fourth marriage and honestly looking back his life is one big disaster. I won't list it all but honestly he's a walking advert for bipolar.

[NanaNina]

I don't think there is anyone who could give you an answer. No one can see into the future. I know that some mental health conditions are hereditary but the best you can get is maybe an average or % of bi-polar can be hereditary, but you still won't know if your son will inherit this mental health condition or not. If I were you I would stop worrying about something that may never happen, or before long you might start suffering from anxiety through the stress of trying to look into the future.

The girl might have inherited bi polar from her mother or someone from her mother's relations.

[multicolouredpen]

Thanks for the replies. Whilst of course, I am a bit concerned my son could be bi polar as he grows up if his father is a sufferer, I also know that he might not be and that he could become bi polar through no genetic link. I'm a child of a schizophrenic, so I am pretty aware of how genetic links don't mean the certainty of having the illness yourself.

My DS is like his Dad in some ways, but I don't think he is exhibiting the same sorts of behaviours that I have seen in his Dad.

I suppose I have some mixed feelings. I've always felt "responsible" for my ex and have always put all his negative traits down to his "personality" or his "upbringing" like we have a tendency to do but having looked at the symptoms for bi polar, I am really wondering if this is more to do with it. I do have the feeling of a jigsaw puzzle suddenly coming together. It would explain so much.

I presume lots of people with bi polar don't have hallucinations or feel suicidal? Does his behaviour sound bi polar to those of you who have experience of it? How could medication help him (and his daughter) if he was diagnosed?

[cestlavielife]

I don't think there is any point you even thinking about the possible diagnosis for your ex. It is not your responsibility only his to go to gp and seek referral. If he reads up on his dd diagnosis and he realises something then he could seek help..

For your son things won't change. Dad may or may not continue to be unreliable and up and down even with treatment. He may refuse treatment Best not get involved but you could suggest he sees gp next time if he does come to you In Tears etc. but would he take your advice anyway ?

I do thnk my exp Just turned 50 looks bipolar but gps only seek to treat the depression bits. But is not my responsibility. Contact is controlled and supervised and will continue that way . My suggestions to exp that he speak to gp about bipolar were met with derision. In the end you can't get involved just deal with the lows and highs as they occur and assume it is on some level part of their condition. Just continue with strict boundaries etc.
And medication may not solve his decision making abilities even if they even out his moods. At his this age would he accept the prospect of help to change the way he is ?

At least his dd has chance for support and help and benefits from more knowledge about the condition etc.

[NanaNina]

I believe there are some very effective drugs these days for bi-polar and think lithium is one of them. I really think you should try to put this worry out of your head, and as celavie said, there is much more knowledge about the drugs for bi polar these days.

[HeartsTrumpDiamonds]

Lithium has some unpleasant side effects I've heard - not been on it myself though.

OP a late life onset or diagnosis is definitely possible. I was hospitalised and diagnosed in 2008, when I was 38, had previously had what started as post-natal depression for a number of years, with hypomanic episodes interspersed (e.g. not full-blown manic episodes but still hyper and "high"). I have never had a psychotic or hallucinatory episode and have never really felt suicidal. But boy I was definitely manic for those few weeks and they sectioned me to protect me from myself as much as anything else.

However, last year my darling mum went completely off the deep end and was also hospitalised and diagnosed bi-polar at the age of 68. She has always had (but denies it) some depression here and there, but this was really full-blown, rapid-cycling stuff with lots of psychoses e.g. The squirrels were sending her messages, people were spreading rumours about her on Twitter and Facebook (she has never been on either), a police car passing the house was checking on her, the radio programmes contained secret messages for her that she decoded and on and on. Thankfully she is much better now and is taking her meds, but still denies to anyone who will listen that there is anything at all wrong with her.

[HeartsTrumpDiamonds]

Forgot to mention, once they had got my meds right, I have been nice and stable for 3 years now. Life's normal ups and downs.

Thankfully my DD's were still really little at the time and don't remember too much about it.

Sorry BTW for writing so much. This is actually the first time I have really talked about it other than with DH or my CMH nurse, the wonderful Steph.