Antidepressants or is this just an appropriate response to my situation?!

[Saddough]

NC for this. Apologies in advance for the length.

I am currently considering going to my GP to discuss ADs, but am really unsure. The facts:

• Three DCs, eldest 5, youngest 18mths, all pretty needy and dependent (normal I know)
  
• Recently been made redundant, but there is potentially stuff in the pipeline, plus I do some self-employed working from home stuff. Money is ok, that's more of a self-esteem issue.
  
• No family support, used to have a childminder but she has recently taken on a salaried job so at the moment come January I will only have one morning of childcare for DC3 - DC1 is at school all day, DC2 just mornings. DC3 will be able to go to playgroup in April but only mornings. I have applied for a job which is only one day a week, but 9-3 and I'm thinking I just won't be able to get the childcare for it. Yes there are other childminders in the local area (village) but one has reduced her hours, one is giving me that one morning, so that's it.
  
• DH is great but works full-time.
  
• I hurt a tendon back in May and even though it's better it's still quite sore, so impact exercise is out. I'm at least 1.5 stone overweight.
  

I don't feel depressed all the time, or even a lot of the time - but sometimes, at least once a week, I feel like I can't cope with the DCs. I think I shout at them too much. I find myself snapping at quite small things. The idea of having only one morning of childcare for DC3 and having to find stuff to do for the other four days does make me feel rather anxious. And she's a really easy baby.

I went and looked at the mood gym website and filled in the depression quiz and it told me I was in the 'high to very high range' and to see my GP. Which just made me feel really shit.

DC1 was horrible today and I cried in the car (DCs couldn't tell) and stuck a film on so I didn't shout at them more this afternoon. But then as soon as they've gone to bed I feel my mood lifting, and now I'm having a little chuckle at the festive Google home page.

So I just don't know. Would antidepressants help in this kind of 'sometimes, sometimes not' situation?? Or, as I suspect, is this just a perfectly normal response to the situation of having small children?

Thanks if you've manged to read this far.

[rufusnine]

Highly understandable in your situation! Assuming you are not on any other prescribed medication You could always self medicate with some st john's wort or such like which has been shown to help mild to moderate depression. It may work or even if a placebo effect it could just get you over a bit of a rough period. My dad's favourite expression - This too, shall pass- is my motto now! Kids get older, things get a bit better - or at least they go to nursery/school and give you a bit of a breather!! Good luck!!

[Saddough]

Thanks for replying, hadn't really thought about St John's Wort or anything like that. I do keep trying to tell myself 'this too shall pass' but I'd say I've been feeling like this for about a year, on and off. DC3 started teething last Xmas, so sleep patterns were shot which seemed to trigger it all? I feel like I've been tired, run down and either getting a cold or just getting over one ever since, but like I say, I know that's quite normal in the circs.

[Saddough]

Bump for the morning crowd but I've just realised my v bad timing!

[Angelswings]

No wonder you have scored as you did, you have so much on your plate on top of losing your job.

Depression is often variable at different times of the day. It can be very low 24 hours a day, but often not.

Please do make an appointment with your GP. Even if you do start ADs a 6 month course can be enough for some. Be warned they make you feel worse for the first week or so.

In the mean time, what support can you get, you don't mention the kids dad? Can he do more?

Don't expect too much of yourself for today, as long as the kids are safe and fed, they are ok.

[Angelswings]

Wops, you do mention DH, working full time but talk to him, tell him what you need. Some men don't guess, they need to be told (I mean that in a nice way)

My DH works well with lists, if I ask him to do 2 things verbally he gets cross, but if I write a list of 10 things that need doing today he loves crossing them off and is fab.

[Grumpla]

It's not necessarily an either/or situation!

Last time I was on ADs I was finishing a uni course whilst holding down a job, dealing with a really crap relationship, several deaths etc all at the same time.

It was pretty understandable why I felt like shit! I did find ADs helpful as they gave me the ability to detach slightly and rethink my plans for how I was going to deal with all the crap.

Eventually I scraped through my course and binned the appalling boyfriend, once those pressures were removed everything else seemed a lot more manageable and I came off the ADs fine after about 6 months.

I imagine your situation is similar in some
ways - you have a lot of demands / pressure on you, which individually you would be able to cope with just fine, it is the "everything at once" that is the problem.

There is nothing wrong, or weak, about asking for help sometimes. That help can take lots of different forms as well. Ads, counselling, more support from your partner.

I'm a bit concerned that the childcare situation is only impacting on you / your job. Can your DP adjust his hours slightly? It's important to keep your earnings up too, even if it seems counterintuitive because he is the "main earner" or whatever - you are the person whose ability to earn will be most heavily impacted by dropping out of employment now.

You also need to carve out some time for yourself. It is so, so easy to not do this - there's always something that "has to be" done first. But think about this time as "fuel" - you can't keep running on empty. Even a couple of hours a week out of the house - reading a book and having a coffee, going for a swim, whatever - makes such a big difference. Try and timetable it on the calendar a couple of weeks in advance and make it clear to everyone in your family that this is non-negotiable!

As time goes on some of the pressures you're under at the moment will resolve themselves (childcare particularly) but that doesn't mean you have to just write off the next few years of your life as a cheerless grind! It's not selfish or weak to make some changes. Your happiness is important, and not just because you will be a happier mother or partner as a result.

[Saddough]

Thanks for responding, I appreciate it.

DH really is v good (honestly; this isn't going to turn into a stealth 'but he needs to go to the pub every night' type of threads). He does all the ironing, probably more than half of the housework, and is great with the DCs - my only (petty really, especially when you read other threads on here) is that he is almost too good with them, so that I'm the disciplinarian and he's the fun parent. But he does know how I feel about this.

I have also told him how I am feeling at the moment and he's been great (although he is worried that if I go on ADs I could get addicted ). He's currently at work but when he gets back he's going to hoover the whole house so it's nice for tomorrow.

I will call the GP next week and get an appt for the week after; can't hurt to talk about it. I suppose I just feel a bit of a fraud (no 'real' problems) so I don't really have anything to be properly depressed about IYSWIM. Silly I know, and the worst thing is I have actually worked in MH so I really should know better. But it's always different when it's you isn't it?!

[Saddough]

Oh and it was my birthday recently and one of the presents he got me was four spa treatments, so I had three hours to myself. See, thoughtful! The crazy thing was that I got a bit bored and missed my family!!

[Bossybritches22]

Ah but true depression is feeling like you do " for no reason" although I do think you have a lot on your plate!

Just have a chat with your GP & see what he/she suggests, I've had short-term ADS which were helpful but it was CBT that helped most, it gives you coping strategies & helps you focus on your positives & strengths.

Have a good Christmas with your lovely family & have a good chat with DH at some point & make a plan together, he sounds very supportive, but possibly at a loss to help any more without a bit of guidance.

[Angelswings]

Bossy, I don't agree that

"Ah but true depression is feeling like you do " for no reason"

As I understand it there are different types and reasons for depression.

Endogenous depression is as you describe, a chemical imbalance that is not because of the situation you are in.

Reactive depression is due to your situation, eg death in family or losing job

You can have both types together.

Saddough, ADs are not addictive as Valium is. If you are on them long term, it can take a while to stop taking them, but it's possible!

[Bossybritches22]

angels that's what I meant but didn't explain very well as trying not to be on here but Get On!!!!

It's a common thing that people who ARE depressed often think they can't be as they have no reason, they feel, because reactive depression is seen as understandable somehow to those unfamiliar with MH issues.

Fact is regardless of circumstances if you feel you aren't coping for a myriad of reasons it needs a chat with the GP.

My GP said it's often the most previously organised,professional mums who suffer the most as they feel uncharacteristically out of control/disorganised with small DC's as we all know how much time & energy they take up despite our best efforts. We have to learn to not be perfect ( not saying I ever was though ) & not be superwoman too!

[Saddough]

I understood what you meant Bossy - I suppose it's that thing of imagining saying to (for example) my parents that I'm taking ADs and I can just see their and and faces and then the 'But why?'s.

(I know I don't have to tell them, it's my inner parent speaking I think!)

[Tuppenyrice]

Hi Saddough.
sorry you're feeling so rubbish.
I have felt exactly the same (also have 3 young DCs) but I don't work and am feeling very stuck and bored with life. I was prescribed ADs back in July but was reluctant to go down that route. Eventually I realised that something had to change within our family as I was so short tempered, shouting, impatient etc I was full of self loathing at the way I was behaving. SO I got the tablets and am now 3 weeks in and though I do still get low at times (if I have a drink, for example) life has improved so much at home. It was as if I fell in love with the kids again and could be patient. It has transformed how I deal with them therefore the self loathing has lifted.
I have Many things I need to work on but the thing I agonised over - how I was with the children - I have sorted.
Go to your GP and give the ADs a go. You don't have to take them forever.
Oh btw I tried St johns wort but they did nothing for me.
Good luck
And happy christmas.

[mercibucket]

Can. I also suggest blood tests specifically for low iron and to check thyroid function? Recently diagnosed hypothyroid so on a bit of a crusade but apparently v often misdiagnosed as depression or post natal depression. Have a quick google to see if it rings any bells. I was v tired, cold, ill all the time, anxious and depressed. Felt much better in the evenings

[Angelswings]

Sorry Bossy, my last post sounded rather blunt. Hope you are managed to Get On.

Tuppenrice has some good advice.

[Saddough]

Thanks all, once again the kindness of MN is making me feel weepy.

I've had thyroid tests before but will ask. Mild anaemia is also quite possible as I've had that before but it's only ever made me feel tired, not angry/down/anxious/weepy.

Tupenny your story gives me hope, thank you. I feel like I can cope with the general stuff that goes with the territory of having small children but not how stressed I get and the cycle of shouting-hating myself-feeling down-self-pity etc etc.

Merry Christmas to everyone! Here's to a good 2012 for all. Just taking the decision to speak to the GP makes me feel a little bit better and I really appreciate your help with that and your advice in general.

[imissbluesky]

You've had some good advice on here already. I work in mental health (and often feel the way you do! with very similar issues). Antidepressants may help there are also other strategies you could try in the meantime. Mild excercise such as walking will help, maybe you could go in the evenings or early mornings if possible so you can have a bit of time for yourself more regularly. Studies have shown this to be as effective as antidepressants. You could also try self help cbt such as "mind over mood".

[Bossybritches22]

angelswings not at all, i did my usual post in a rush kind of thing!

Sorted as much as I can be, just cooking Christmas dinner for me & the DD's as they're with their Dad tomorrow.

OP- enjoy the children & Christmas, try & relax a bit if you can too!

Merry Christmas & Happy 2012 x

[andtheyalllivedhappilyafter]

i know this is an old post but i've just stumbled across it and wondered how your situation is now OP? Reason being I am in exactly the same situation and i went to the docs today and she prescibed me AD.. i am not sure about taking them as although i am low/struggling with stuff, i feel 'no, i can't REALLY be depressed'... but she said i was scoring high on the quiz thing they get you to do...similar situation: in the last 4 years my life has gone from happy and carefree to 2 children under 4 - surviving on 4-6hrs sleep a night for past 18 months;DH and me both made redundant, although now working again..but i'm self employed so rather stressful ensuring income; close family member announced family sexual abuse and court case ensued..family split...dear family member battled and lost fight with cancer; DH drinks too much from time to time..borderline/functioning alchoholic, currently seeking CBT for that though...anyway, unsuprisingly the marriage is crumbling under all the pressures ...so basically every facet of my life is troubled and stressful...sorry don't mean to be 'woe is me' but this is the situation and some days i'm bloody proud of myself for keeping up this brave face and others i lose it, shout at kids, cry at night..but then you have to pull yourself together and get on with it, don't you? today, the doc has made me realise how serious the situation is...but all the crap above is improving now, i feel i've 'been through' the worst...so should i just sit tight and hope things sort

[andtheyalllivedhappilyafter]

..sorry, sent by mistake!
..sort themselves out,..or should i bite the bullet and take the tablets?!

[Saddough]

Sorry, I did mean to come back on and update, especially with everyone being so helpful but couldn't remember how to NC on my phone

I saw a different GP to my usual one the week after Christmas and basically wept on him and told him everything about how I was feeling. He asked lots of questions, made me fill out some depression questionnaire and said 'What do you want to do about it?' to which my first thought was 'Well, you're the bloody doctor, how should I know?!!' but I managed to stammer out 'anti-depressants?'.
He said he didn't like to prescribe them straight away but instead prescribed me some sedatives to take at night for ten days. I thought 'What's the point of that, I can get to sleep' but didn't say anything. We made another appointment for a week later (i.e. this week).

Well, in my case anyway, the man is a genius. A week of proper sleep and I am functioning so, so much better. We had a busy day yesterday and so this morning I was quite tired again, which made me rather snappy with the DCs but not weepy if you see what I mean. So I'm not back to 'normal' (whatever that is) but I'm not in the desperate, horrible place I was two weeks ago.

And amazingly I've managed to find a new childminder who is lovely, so that gives me optimism, and hope, which was in short supply before. And I can possibly actually do the job I've applied for (childcare is still an issue, but it's not a definite no like it was before).

I know this won't be it - I know I'm going to have bad days again, and days where I feel like a failure as a mum, and days where I weep. But I will go back to that GP if that happens again (he's already told me to mark a month's time in my diary with 'How am I feeling, and do I need to go back and chat some more?') and I've got a couple of sedatives left for if/when I need them.

happily - you do sound like you've got a hell of a lot on your plate. I suppose the question is, can you continue the way you are or does something need to change? Can you go back to your GP and discuss it some more - maybe say you're having doubts about taking them and perhaps reschedule for a couple of weeks' time to see if anything has changed??