Is it possible to hide depression ? Am I depressed or just fed up ? People like me do not get depressed

[StoptheWorldplease]

I have 2 dc and a dh, work full time as a HP. I seem to be always looking after everyone.
I did not sleep for 5 years after my ds was born and can now see I was clearly depressed but would not admit it.

The last couple of years have been tough and 7 months ago I had a breavement of someone v close - actually my closest family member and the only one who I could 100% rely on .

I have a terrible relationship with my parents and have realised my mum is toxic and has given me huge ishoos that I am trying to work through.

I am a ' I am ok ' type and dont talk about my feelings at all easily.

Is it possible to be depressend and hide it ?

I just cant start to admit my real feelings and am getting to the point where I am honestly not sure if I can carry on and am fantasising about breaking my foot or something so I can just stop and get off the treadmill of my life.
Would my GP take me seriously ? I cant see myself going to the GP but I feel my options are running out as something has to give.

[witchwithallthetrimmings]

someone once told me that if you feel better if someone like your dp or a good friend gives you a hug and generally cossets you then you are not depressed you are just knackered and need some more support. If this makes you feel worse then you are depressed. This might be a bit simplistic but i think there is something in it

[jasminerice]

Yes, you can hide depression. I did for years, both from myself and from everyone around me. Until eventually I had a total breakdown, couldn't go on one day longer, was seriously suicidal. Only then did I and DH realise that I had been depressed for YEARS without knowing it. Sounds unbelievable, but it's true.

[StoptheWorldplease]

that is what I fear jasmine and want to stop myself getting to that point.

I find it hard as I have worked in MH services so know the 'questions and answers' IYKWIM

It feels so odd to me to be in the position of having to admit my problems but the possibility of a breakdown is really scary

[orangeflutie]

Hi you sound a lot like me before I was diagnosed with depression. Like you I kept going for some time and had been through a bereavement, was looking after everyone and still have a poor relationship with my parents, particularly my mother. There was a tipping point for me but I had struggled along for years, not really realising I wasn't coping very well. You can definitely hide depression for a while, but it comes out eventually.

I went to the doctors and had a long chat and a cry and did the questionnaire and actually I began to realise that I had felt miserable for years. I'm now on ADs and they have helped me a lot. Life is still hard but I can cope.

Don't struggle on alone for too long. If you get help soon you will be on your way to feeling better.

Hope this helps x

[StoptheWorldplease]

thanks orange

I am so so so afraid of admitting I am not coping. I feel like a failure and I think about people who cope with a huge amount more than me.

I now work with people with long term illness and many of them are terminal so my life is great in comparison and then I feel bad about feeling the way I do which makes me feel worse. Shit.

[orangeflutie]

It's horrible having to admit you're not coping, but you're not a failure, you've just been trying to cope with too much for too long. I work as a carer and also struggle with feelings that people have worse things to cope with than me. However everyone has their own problems and you never truly know what might be going on in someone else's life.

I do think though that a marked lack of support in my case and possibly yours contributes to stress and consequently poor mental health. I see many people in my job with terrible illnesses but who often have strong loving marriages and supportive families around them.

[madmouse]

Thing is, you're not depressed because your life is so hard, you are depressed because you have an illness called depression. That's why that whole 'but other people have it worse' is such a non-argument. It is possible to go through a lot of shit and not be depressed. It's possible to be depressed without any particular 'reason'.

If you have depression you need some treatment, doesn't matter how much of a coper you are, or how much of a professional (I know the problem - I work as an immigration lawyer and used to specialise in torture survivors - then I got PTSD go figure). You cannot 'cope' your way out of depression. Be kind to yourself and get yourself the help you deserve.

[jasminerice]

I agree with orange about loving support making a difference. My DH was very UN supportive during the years I had undiagnosed depression. Understandably I suppose, because I appeared to be fine. But his support since my breakdown has been amazing and has played a big part in my recovery.

OP, go to your GP. You are unwell, not a failure.

[StoptheWorldplease]

thanks - I am starting to think I cannot go on like this and will have to see the GP next week.

Today I considered crashing my car whilst driving so I can have some time off and some head space. That is not normal is it ?

I am going to work tomorrow to catch up on my notes and then will go to GP next week and have the week off sick.

Will tablets be the starting point ? I dont want tablets and want to ask for some counselling but not sure if this is likely

[madmouse]

It is a good idea to ask for some counselling, it may be offered anyway. But if you rely on the NHS it can take a while before you are seen (months). And depending on how low you are a combination of tablets and counselling may be a good idea.

[jasminerice]

During a previous severe episode of depression, undiagnosed, I thought about driving off a bridge. Worst of all, I was pregnant at the time.

OP, make an appointment with your GP. I was referred to my local womens centre and had some very good counselling as well as anti d's.

[NanaNina]

I understand how you feel Stoptheworld. There is a saying you know "when copers fall, they crash." I was a sw and tm mgr in SSD for 25 years and like you saw myself as "the helper" and "the coper" and then I had a severe episode of depression in 1995 following the death of my closest and dearest friend. You mention the loss of someone close - as I'm sure you know depression is usually about loss.

Last year I had another severe episode and am still struggling for full recovery - fine for a few weeks then blips come......at the time of my recent depression I was working independently as a social worker and taking on private law cases (parents fighting over their children after separation/divorce) and parenting assessments in care proceedings, and then wham I could do none of that and ended up an emotional wreck and in a psych ward for 3 months. NO I didn't like being the one in the bloody ward review as the "patient" when I had chaired hundreds of reviews in childrens services. I see a pscyhologist now and I still don't like being the client, but that's just tough - cus it's part of the human condition.

This question of whether you can hide depression - I don't think this is a Yes or No answer because we don't all experience depression in the same way and it depends on the severity of the illness. I'm sure you know all this as you are HP and have worked in MH. As Madmouse says, some people can go through tremendous shit and not get depressed, and others can become depressed with or without reason. I go through the "I should be thankful for what I have, there are others worse than me" etc etc and it isn't helpful - in fact it's us being the "rescuer" again - a role we know and are comfortable with. I'm quite certain that being a HP of any kind (even psychiatrist) does not protect you from having MH issues, no more than my lovely GP could prevent getting cancer of the oesophogus and dying in his mid 40s.

You are looking for a legitimate reason to be off work - broken leg, or something normal - come on now, you know what is happening, you don't want to be perceived as someone with a MH problem because people might think you a failure. Question: What would you be saying to someone else who told you that................think we both know don't we.

Make that appt and no apologies - you are human and we are all subject to human frailties and need help from time to time.