I know I need help

[totalmess]

On the surface I am a happy woman with a relatively happy marriage and a fantastic 3yo dd. But It's all smoke and mirrors. I am fucking everything up. I don't drink everyday but when I do drink I have no stop button, I went out with my girlfriends on friday and got absolutely trashed, and then ended up in bed with some random stranger. I THINK we stopped short of having sex but regardless of what did or didn't happen I am so utterly ashamed of myself. Unfortunately this is not the first time it has happened. I KNOW that this is a result of my drinking but I don't know how to stop. I am desperate and need help. (I am a sporadic regular that has namechanged)

[madhattershouse]

The best thing is that you are asking for help. That is the sign that you understand there is a problem. Acceptance is the first step towards getting better. I have family who are addicted.scares the shit out of me..I scan the papers for beaten up people expecting it to be them. You are not in that class..yet. Not being sure if you had sex or not means that you blacked out, not good! The good news is that now you know you can do something about it.

[totalmess]

Thank you so much for replying. I am so scared of what I am doing to my dd my dh and me. there is nobody that I can speak to about this in RL, I'm just seen as somebody that likes a drink and is enormous fun and can handle anything...but I can't and I'm falling apart

[totalmess]

I fucking hate myself

[madhattershouse]

Don't hate yourself..you can get better and you will. The fact that you have posted shows that you want things to get better, that is the first step! Admitting a problem is halfway to a solution!

[totalmess]

I don't know where to go from here, I just want it to stop.

[madhattershouse]

Okay have a look at te AA meetings near you. If you are not ready for that then just keep posting here, there will be many that have had the same problems in the past here. You CAN do it but you will need support, be that here or in RL.

[madhattershouse]

I have to go to bed now. Please post to let me know that you are okay tomorow.

[onlinefriend]

Can't sleep and saw your post. Sorry you are in so much pain.

I wondered if you had ever come across AA's 20 questions to help you decide if you are an alcoholic or not?

They gave me some clarity when i was in a mess and didn't know where to start.

If you are interested i found a copy on the web at www.step12.com/alcoholic-20-questions.html

(I'm not hinting that you are an alcoholic, by the way, but thought it might help you to figure out if the root of the problem is alcohol or something else)

[totalmess]

Hi,
I'm back, I have thought about AA and will look into it. I just feel so scared of it all unravelling. If my husband found out he would divorce me and that would tear my dd's world apart. I just feel so STUPID. I would never ever behave like that sober and I am so disgusted by myself.

[madmouse]

totalmess take one step at a time. Don't try to save your marriage before it's falling apart, just deal with your drinking for now as that is the first thing that needs to change. Don't think about the AA, do it. Just call them. There's nothing to think about, it is what you call a no-brainer.

[totalmess]

Quick update: I have just emailed a friend of mine that has been through similar some years ago. She went through rehab successfully and still attends AA meetings. I haven't seen her for a few years but we have stayed in touch through text and FB. I saw her through some very dark times and am very proud and inspired by how she has turned her life around, It is a big thing for me to ask for help and hopefully she will be able to offer some advice.
It is thanks to you ladies that I have had the confidence to make this step and I can't thank you enough. x

[madmouse]

go for it Totalmess - that was a great step to take

[onlinefriend]

Brilliant! Well done for making contact.