Depression? Anti-depressants?

[supercal]

I am very very low at the moment.

My relationship with DH is not solid right now - we are having couple therapy. Both of us had emotionally abusive, selfish parents and this has led to both of us having trouble knowing how to conduct a healthy relationship. We have been together over 10 years and things have always been turbulent.

My parents were worse than DH's and were physically abusive too. As a teenager I had a small and short-lived breakdown after something traumatic. Things got quickly better when I confronted something.

However since then I feel I have been depressed on and off throughout my life. I have certain times when it's been v bad. I get terrible PMS, about 50% of the time I feel suicidal for one day during my period (usually right after my period has ended to be specific), although I have realised this now and can ride it out. It's odd, because it's not connected with me feeling bad about things generally - my life could be going well but that v low day still happens. Conversely, my life could be going shit and I don't get that menstrual low.

About 8 years ago after a particularly bad bout of PMS that led to me taking an overdose of paracetomol - not enough to have my stomach pumped but more than recommended - my GP prescribed ADs. I had a terrible time adjusting to them, had big rages. But while on them, I think I felt pretty sorted. I lost weight. I stopped biting my nails. But I came off them after 8 months as that was the plan. Weight went back on. Started biting my nails again.

I had terrible births with my 2 children. I had a very low period when pregnant with one of them. My new GP thinks I probably had undiagnosed PND after the first.

I have trucked along for years. Always with highs and lows. I am quite highly strung I guess, a very emotional person, and feel a lot of rage.

But right now I am losing it. I am very overweight, which is exacerbating pre-existing health conditions I have. I need to lose weight but food is my comfort. I feel so sad at the moment. I am self-employed and have to motivate myself to work but am so not motivated at the moment. I can't get round to showering until hours after waking up. Ditto food. I can't engage with my children at the moment. Leaving the house is a massive step. I can't sleep. I'm going to sleep v v late.

The latest trigger has been an issue with a friend who has blanked me. I seem to have difficulty in maintaining good friendships. I feel like a complete screwup. I wake up every morning and tell myself how shit I am compared to other people, and how they have many more close friends than me.

I have had lots of therapy in the past, which helped, but I feel terrible at the moment. I am seriously wondering if ADs are the answer. Last time I had therapy on the NHS, it was group and i had a psych evaluation first. He felt I was borderline depressed and didn't think I needed ADs. That was 4 years ago though. I can't afford individual therapy at the moment because of paying for couples therapy.

I told one friend today how bad I felt, hoping she would come round to see me, but she hasn't. I feel let down, and am not sure if that's unreasonable.

[JessPankhurst]

Hi,
You should have a long chat with your Doctor and take anything they offer you and keep an open mind. My Partner is having CBT Therapy at the moment which he is finding really good so far. I have moments of Depression but I usually can work through it myself so far although I am thinking of trying CBT myself. I had a really bad time of it while i was pregnant and found it hard to cope as a result I have put on a lot of weight.
I had a horrendous time during the Birth of my Daughter with Pneumonia and Emergency C Section but that is behind me now.
I had a best friend for 10 years we had such a good time together until one day she got it into her head I wanted her Husband (rubbish) that was it end of friendship 3 years later I find it hard to understand but I have no choice but to move on although it is hard at times.
You know I have learned not to expect too much from people, ts hard to find friends who really care. The problem is I think most of us have are struggles with life at times and find it hard to take on other peoples problems, and time can get in the way to. You need to find a way to like yourself better, can you take yourself to an exercise class once a week or something? You will meet new people as well as help your health and weight. Don't beat yourself up about not getting motivated til late you have 2 Children, I have one and often don't get showered til Midday, My Partner works mostly from home and is self employed and I help him and we both find motivation hard. Stop beating yourself up, don't compare yourself to others you are you, having Children is hard work work on yourself and it will have a positive affect on your Children. Try not to let your past destroy your present and future.
My partner is 28 st at the moment everything is getting hard for him at the moment but we are both trying to lose weight at the moment but we are just starting with trying to fill up on fruit and veg and cutting down potion sizes and going for a walk in the evenings and see how it goes. Give your friend some time maybe she just doesn't know what to say or how to help.

[NanaNina]

so so sorry for how you are feeling Supercal. I have had two major episodes and still not recovered from the one last Easter so I know what a horrible illness it is. I really think you should go to the GP and go on ADs again, because in your post you are describing some of the major symptoms of depression. Stop worrying about your weight for the moment - the first thing is you need to get some ADs to help at least to take the edge off you depression. Feeling worthless incomparison to everyone else is another majr symptom of depression. So make an appt and tell him/her just how bad you are feeling.

Sending warm wishes

[supercal]

Thank you both

So good to be answered

I feel desolate

I am alone with the children today and can barely cope

I have been quite neglectful, although all their basic needs have to be met - but to my shame it took me a while to get round to giving my toddler breakfast and changing his nappy this morning. So I can add crap mother to my list. My 2 year old has rampaged round the house causing havoc and made such a mess. This has only depressed me more.

I have called the GP, and unfortunately they don't have any appts they could give me there and then until next week. I can call in at 8:30am for an appt by my long-termish GP, who saw me when I had antenatal depression, is not there tomorrow. I hate this appt system but only want to see him or one other GP. I haven't had a good experience with some of the others.

Jess, I would love nothing more to exercise! But I have a v bad knee injury that I may need surgery for, I find out tomorrow. My lack of exercise is one thing that's depressed me the most. I had finally got into a regular exercise regime and lost a stone, but I have put it all back on now.

I have had so many health set backs in my life as well as emotional rubbish. Sometimes I feel as soon as I stand up, I get knocked back down.

Sorry, this is all very self-indulgent, but I need to get it out and connect with someone, if only virtually.

[racingmind]

Hey supercal x

I have few things in common with you and feel your pain. I am wary of advising anyone what to do medication wise, but I don't think anyone reading your post there would have much doubt that you are suffering from depression. Is there much to lose by trying anti depressants for a while do you think? Do you at least feel able to try and tell your dr what you have said here and let them judge the situation? I kind of look at this like childbirth- whilst its a nice thought to be able to get through it without chemical pain relief, there are no actual medals for doing so and sometimes the long term trauma isn't really worth it.

Its so, so hard to cope with young kids when you feel like this, and I only have the one to deal with.

Keep talking on here if it helps. I will listen.

[Chocattack]

Hi, I'm also highly strung and very emotional . You sound very self-aware. You say anti-depressants sorted you before so you should definitely consider with your gp whether they are right for you now, especially as you can't afford individual counselling and yet would probably have to wait for it on the NHS.

As for your friend, from personal experience, sometimes I think you need to be specific with certain people (apologies if you were or if your friend is someone you don't usually need to be specific to ). Did you say: "I'm feeling really bad today I'd really appreciate it if you could come over and hold my hand" or whatever? Or did you just talk about how bad you felt? If it is the latter she may have interpretted it that you just wanted to chat and off-load rather than a disguised request for her to pop over. Try the direct approach and see if anything changes.

That aside, I really feel for you having to wait until next week to see a gp you like.

[supercal]

Thanks guys, really appreciate the feedback

I think antidepressants sorted me out before - it's at least 8 years since i was on them and I was only on them for 8 months ... I do remember the rages getting used to them and then coming off them. Was horrendous. But I also remember that I did actually Get Stuff Done.

I am wary of medication -all types - but at the same time, i know it would be stupid to not take them when they're likely to help me feel better. I do read on here about people having bad side effects on certain ADs and it scares me!

I guess I want reassurance that the benefits are worth it! Would it help me to Do Stuff? This listlessness and lack of motivation I have - is it depression, or am I just inherently lazy? I jest, but the fact is that I have been feeling like this to a small degree for YEARS.

racingmind - your point about coping with young kids being so difficult when you feel like this is a relief to hear. It's so true. I'm not coping really, and it's not far on my children.

[racingmind]

The ADs do not take everything away but I think they help you get to a better place to help yourself. For example, my main issue was sleep so I took mitrazapine at night and it helped so that at least I could face my problems with a night's sleep, without which I felt totally unable to cope. Side effects- yes it made me put on loads of weight which I am still struggling with (maybe not a good one for you), but at the time I felt sleep was more important. Now I am cutting that down and going on a new medication that helps anxiety more, ie my racingmind! Its actually an anti psychotic, which would have scared me in the past, now my anxiety scares me more. Plus I take sleeping pills. They are not good to take long term but nor is lying awake thinking about suicide.

It's not easy getting the right ad first time. You have to weigh up the benefits vs any possible side effects. It was very hard for me to choose between being fat or sleep deprived but I was desperate to sleep and at least now I can get through the day without breaking down all the time and feeling unable to cope with my baby because I'm so exhausted. I will lose the weight somehow. Not all ads make you gain weight btw, I was just using an example of what happened to me.

Some ads have no real side effects on you.To be honest when I'm given a new med now I don't even read the thing about possible side effects. I just get on and try it because I'm desperate to calm the fuck down and actually enjoy my life and my child at some point. It can always be changed to something else. Just never give up.

[supercal]

Thanks, racing mind.

Putting on weight does worry me, although as I said, last time I did lose it. I was on Seroxat and have read on here I think about someone putting on about 40lbs while on that.

But sleep is a massive issue for me and it's a toss-up. I think health wise putting on weight would be be worse, as I already have high blood pressure.

Obviously this is a conversation I need to have with my GP.

Glad to hear that things have got better for you on drugs, racing mind. I do find a bit depressing that the thing to do does seem to try a few before finding the one that works.

But I am still very tempted.

Feeling more positive this morning. Think the London riots got me thinking outwards instead of inwards! Down about that but feeling brighter on a personal level.

[racingmind]

Ocht I knew as soon as i posted that I shouldn't have mentioned the weight gain as an example! It was a combination of taking mitrazapine and chlorpromazine, stoppping breast feeding, eating too much and drinking glasses of wine every night that helped make me fat.

There are plenty of ads that won't have this side effect. I'll shut up now!

[supercal]

No, don't worry, i know you were just using it as an example

It's just I am very overweight, with heath issues, so weight gain really is something for me to avoid.

Did the first ADs help your racing mind at all? Or are you moving on to the anti-psychotic because your anxiety is so bad that regular ADs can't help? Sorry to hear you suffer from that. I have a racing mind too - not sure it's racing with anxiety though, more rage and just general thoughts. I would love to just turn off my mind for a day. I am always thinking, always wishing the past had played out differently, always analysing things. It is very tiring.

[racingmind]

Yup its utterly exhausting, the constant over analysis and wrestling with your own thoughts. I still beat myself up for a lot of mistakes I've made in the past and all it does is keep you ill.

I started on my first kind of low dose anti psychotics for anxiety when I was quite heavily pregnant. I would not wish that decision on anyone, it was very very hard but I was mental during pregnancy and eventually something had to be done. I don't know how many times I needed to be reassured the baby would be unaffected but I do actually believe that now he is here and healthy. Of course a whole new set of worries have been and gone since then.

Since I stopped breast feeding my psych is able to try different meds and doses now so it has been trial and error. I start on a higher dose of the anti psychotic because I've been under a lot of stress recently and the anxiety's just went through the roof. I've not actually been psychotic at all its just yes, these drugs also work in lower doses for anxiety.

Long answer to a short question sorry. I am lucky because I have been seeing a very good psychiatrist since I started losing the plot with anxiety when I was pregnant. He tells me this is an illness from which I can eventually recover and I have to cling to the hope that this is true.

[supercal]

racingmind I hope you find some peace. Am very interested to know what form your anxiety was taking and what it was over.

I became v depressed when pregnant with dc2, but it lasted a month before lifting and my GP just kept an eye on me.

Yesterday I felt better, but today, even though I actually had 7 hrs sleep for once, I woke up feeling positive but then dissolved into tears mid-morning and felt terrible. Called the GP's, my personal GP is the duty doctor today so I was able to get a callback with him. When I spoke to him, he made an appointment for me to come in this afternoon. Have to take my 2yo with me unfortunately but should be able to speak fairly freely. Luckily my elder child will be elsewhere. Will report back later.

[Chocattack]

I'm really glad you were able to see your gp today (obviously not glad that you needed to ) and not wait until next week. I hope you were able to speak freely and that he was helpful.

[supercal]

Cheers, chocattack (is it all right if I eat you? )

Had a very good chat with my GP, who is lovely and v understanding

And I came away with a prescription for Citalopram

20mg, although GP said to break the pill in half and just take a half for a week

I have just taken my first half pill. And now I wait! GP said it will take 2-3 weeks to start working.

Am a bit nervous about side effects, but overall I feel relieved. I have a chemical imbalance, I feel, and hopefully this will help

I also had a v good chat with DH tonight about it, who was v supportive. I hadn't told him beforehand that I was going to go to my GP, as DH and I have been somewhat emotionally estranged for weeks & sleeping in diff beds (we're working on our issues). But it was such a relief to have a positive, heartfelt conversation with him tonight. He agrees that I've done the right thing, he's been worried about me, he still is with the side effects but is going to keep an eye on me.

So, I go to bed late but feeling lighter than before.

I really appreciate all of your support, btw. At the risk of sounding mawkish, I couldn't have taken this step without you.

[Chocattack]

That's good news! I'm pleased you've got DH support - that must really help.

Hope you don't get any (too many) side-effects .

P.S. I don't taste too good!