At-home-mum finding it really hard to stay positive

[Magicpaintbrush]

Hello everyone

I'm hoping someone may have some advice or just to find people who feel the same as I do as I feel really alone at the moment. I have a 2.5 year old daughter who is just lovely, but for about the last 6 months or so I've been finding it a real struggle not to feel depressed when I'm at home alone with her. I know that sounds awful, because she is a lovely child and it's nothing to do with her behaving badly or anything like that (although she has her moments like all kids), but I just feel so low, like all my motivation has just gone and I feel completely braindead. I miss working and having something productive to do and using my brain, but as time passes my brain just feels so dormant, I genuinely feel less clever than I was 3 years ago, and my confidence has just plummeted. I want to throw myself into being the best mum I can for my daughter, and I love her more than life itself and tell her so all the time, but some days, like today, I feel so useless and so bored that all I can do is curl up on the sofa and cry, and even small things going wrong make me instantly angry. I wake up in the morning and wonder how the hell I'm going to fill the hours. I constantly find myself looking back at the good grades I got at school and wonder what the point was in working so hard because it's got me nowhere. I've thought about getting an evening/weekend job, but my husband is against it, and to be honest my confidence is so bad right now I just don't think any employer would want me and I'm afraid to look for a job incase I just get loads of rejections and it makes me feel even worse. I always wanted to be an illustrator, and I could be doing something about it now, but I feel so uninspired and lethargic, I can't seem to get started. My brain feels like it's literally withering away to nothing and it's really upsetting. Does anybody else ever feel like this? I can't really talk to my best friend about this as she has the opposite problem - wants to be at home with her daughter but is forced to work - and I don't think she'd understand at all. It's difficult talking to my husband either as he has been depressed since about christmas (although getting better) and I don't want to drag him down as he's making such an effort to be upbeat. Any thoughts appreciated x

[WhenCanISleep]

Depression is a crappy thing that throws you into a spiral (you feel rubbish so don't do anything, then coz you've done nothing you feel worse).
The chances are that you've been your husband's support whilst he's been depressed and that means you've put yourself and your needs on the back-burner.
Do you regularly meet up with people? Please confide in one of them about how you feel - you'll probably find that you're not the only one. Also I think you need to see your GP - then how you feel can be monitored properly and if necessary you can get further help or medication.
Make some time for yourself and pursue something that's just for you (art classes? most colleges have some form of childcare attached too).
Look after yourself.

[SootySweepandSue]

I think a wider support network around you would help - family or friends ? Sounds like maybe a lot of your time is spent just with DD.

You could do volunteering with NCT or such. Help run the sales or organise meet ups.

Plus having at least a few hours to yourself each week may help - such as a gym or yoga class that you stick to.

Try to give yourself a treat each day. A nice magazine or chocolate bar or radio show. Start a great book that you could read a bit of in the evenings or at naptimes.

Maybe plan more new or different activities to do with DD. A new playpark or group or museum. Maybe things to do together like baking or gardening? Could you get a bike with a seat or side cart for her and get some exercise that way?

It's very hard being at home with only 1 person for company. Mums need to be a bit selfish sometimes too

[Magicpaintbrush]

Thank you all so much for your replies and advice.

What you say is completely right - I would absolutely benefit from doing some activities like an art class or yoga etc - but we have absolutely no money whatsoever. Everything goes on bills and we are starting to sink below the breadline as time goes by, so I can't justify spending money on anything like that. I desperately wish I could. I found a correspondence illustration course that would absolutely love to do, but it costs £300 and we just haven't got it. It's very frustrating. Actually I feel like going back to school is exactly what I need to kick-start my brain again, but it's not possible.

We moved to a new town just before christmas and we don't know many people yet which is a shame. Our old house had a very communal feel where the neighbours were concerned which was lovely, and I miss it a lot, there was always somebody around to chat to. We actually live miles away from all our friends and family which is a shame, however they have all been moving in opposite directions from each other, so even though we're sort of in the middle of everybody they're still far away (wouldn't have mattered where we moved to, we would have always been miles away from someone), it's really annoying. I do drive to see my parents sometimes who live an hour away, but sometimes petrol is an issue and they rarely visit us in return.

I guess part of my frustration is simply that I know what I need to do in order to get back on track (ie. work or college), but right now it's not possible. My daughter was chatting this morning about her dad going to work, and I said "What about if mummy went to work? What would you think?" And she looked really perturbed and said "I'd cry mummy" - so that made me feel really bad and I had to assure her I wouldn't be doing that.

I've just got to try and get my motivation going with the illustration thing at home as really it's my only real option, it's just really hard to get motivated when I feel like I do so much.

Thank you all again for all your help folks x

[PoopyFingers]

I did OU for a bit, and it really kick started my brain, it was great for confidence! You can pay with Tesco Clubcard vouchers too! I paid for 1st year uni with a combination of Tesco and ILA (Individual Learning Account in Scotland).

Sadly had to give it up lately due to circumstances changing, but I'd really recommend it - tutors are excellent !

[PoopyFingers]

Also, if you're skint OU will give you fee waivers too

[WhenCanISleep]

You say your husband's been depressed since before Christmas - which is also when you moved - was the move forced due to work commitments etc? Really feel for you - you've not had the best start to settling into a new area.
HAve you made contact with the health visitors or Sure Start in your new area - Sure Start has been a lifeline for me.
Do look at OU courses.

[namechange100]

Ive had PND so do know how you can get to feeling and previously held a middle management position and worked professionally for 11 years.

I cant say enough how studying an OU module this year has been great - very fulfilling - just for pleasure of using my brain. I felt bereft when I sat my exam and been a bit bored since, but six weeks hols here, I have DS(5)

Please consider OU as you retain independance too, you dont have to rely on babysitters or DH being home if you did a local college based course.

yep cant recomment enough OU.