Please. I keep lying, I feel so awful.

[KittyTwoShoes]

Please do not judge me, I am trying to get help.

I lie, a lot, for no reason. Not about big things, just little things. The first time I remember doing this was when I was seven - they asked us to write 'news' about our weekend and I hadn't done anything exciting so I made up a story about a robin landing on my hand. The teacher didn't realise it was a story and said it was lovely and asked if it was true, I said yes.

Since then I have lied for no reason. Sometimes what I say is true but I make out I was there when something happened when actually it is second hand news. Sometimes I tell people I can do things for them that I cannot do. Other times I just make things up about myself and my life and I don't even realise until afterwards that I've been standing there just lying my head off for no reason whatsoever.

Last week I told some online friends I was ill and had to be taken to hospital (the friends were not from here). I did not even realise what I was doing until afterwards. One of them found out the lie and we are no longer friends; that is the worst thing I've ever done and I have no idea why I said it. When I did it, I wasn't even thinking, "This is a lie," I just said it.

I don't know why I do this. Am I the only one? I fear I am. But I want to stop - I realised last night when my friend confronted me how utterly abhorrent my behaviour is and how vile and sick a person I am.

I need to stop. Please, please, does anyone know what I should do? Should I get counselling or is that not for this sort of thing? Please. I am sick of being an awful person.

[madmouse]

Do you at some level that the real you without the lies is not good enough? That you will not get the attention from others that we all need if you are yourself?

That is definitely something you could explore in counselling.

[madmouse]

that should read do you feel at some level

[KittyTwoShoes]

I don't know. I think so. I grew out of it for a while but a couple of years ago I was raped and since then it has got worse. (That is true, I have never lied about that.) That is why I haven't got help yet, I am afraid if I go to a counsellor and say "I lie" they won't believe me about the rape.

[ThatllDoPig]

They will believe you.
Contact your local rape crisis centre, don't be put off by the name, you don't have to be in a crisis.
They really know what they are doing and it is free counselling for as long as you need it. Give yourself a chance. Good luck!

[OldLadyKnowsNothing]

Was just about to say what ThatllDoPig has; find a specialist rape counsellor and explore that issue; your return to lying is possibly a side-effect from your rape.

[KittyTwoShoes]

Okay. I will ring them tomorrow and ring the gp too to see about being referred for some counselling.

Thank you. I'm sorry I am like this.

[ThatllDoPig]

Don't apologise to us. Sounds corny but its true that by talking about this on line, you have started the first step of your own journey of coming to terms with all this. Be proud, and take good care of yourself. If you need extra support along the way come on here. There is help out there. I really wish you strenth and positivity in it all. Make the calls tomorrow, you may have to go on a waiting list, stick with it.

[ontow]

I don't think you are "vile and sick". A lot of people exaggerate and perhaps add a few touches of imagination. Human being want attention, although it is usually subconsious.

A counsellor wil believe you. they are trained and entirely non-judgemental.

I have seen a wonderful man (counsellor) for two years and it has entirely changed my life. i wish i had seen him since my teenage years when things started to go wrong.

IT really is a revlation to share these feelings with someone trained. you are fairly normal, just a bit more honest.

[KittyTwoShoes]

Thank you, both of you. That helps. It sounds ridiculous but I just want to be a good person.

[pastaplease]

I know exactly what you're going through and it's devastating, isn't it?

I'm not sure if this is relevant, but if you were raped by someone you know, it may be useful.

As a child and teenager I was sexually abused by an adult. I had to tell lies to cover up what was happening. I don't know why I covered it up, but the adult knew exactly what he was doing. My lies were often found out and so my parents thought I was a just a nasty, naughty liar. I therefore was too afraid to tell them about the abuse - they'd think I was lying.

I finally told my dad, when I was seventeen, and nobody thought I was lying (to my knowledge). The abuser was prosecuted.

What I'm trying to say is don't be hard on yourself. I'm sure there's a reason why you're doing this, and it doesn't mean you're a bad person. I completely understand how devastating it is though. Even now (and I'm in my 30's) I'm always conscious of being totally honest and am frightened that people might think I'm a liar. Perhaps counselling would be a good thing for you to do?

[pastaplease]

When I said that my parents found out about my lying, I meant that they knew I wasn't telling the truth, but they didn't know what was really going on. In fact they often thought I was 'up to no good' when I was just desperately trying to be well behaved and please everyone when I was just dying inside.

I'm so sorry. I feel like I've hijacked your thread. I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone and you're not a bad person at all.

[KittyTwoShoes]

Not at all pasta. You have helped tremendously, thank you. I am so sorry for what happened to you.

I wasn't raped by someone I know. But I lied about it afterwards and told my dp it didn't happen. It made it better to lie about it - I could imagine that it hadn't happened at all. Then when eventually I had to tell the truth about it, he didn't believe me and left me. I've been thinking and I sort of feel like, in a way, telling the truth is what caused me to be hurt, whereas lying kept me safer. I'm not sure if that's got anything to do with it - like I say, I lied before that, though I grew out of it and they weren't big lies or lies that could hurt anyone; in a way I think they were more 'normal' childhood tales - but it might do.

Thank you.