i think i am depressed and its effecting my marriage

[jazee]

Hi, feel so low and have done for a few months. Got so many things going on in my life and feel as though i'm on a treadmill.
My partner has suffered from depression so knows what its like but i cant tell him "i am suffering from depression". think he will think it is an excuse, pathetic, why am i etc. i tried to explain how i felt last night and it all came out wrong. Basically we have kids and both work full time , i work from home. There are lots of other things going on too.
Looking after elderly father and all his affairs, extention to the house and working more hours to help partner so all the work emphasis isnt on him.
I struggle as i do every thing at home (apart from him sometimes doing dishwasher) its really getting me down.
He doesnt seem to realise how hard i work and how little time i have to myself.
This is all so hard to write as it is obvioulsly more complex and not as simple as it seems.
Why cant he SEE how i feel. Been together for years and on the whole things tick over nicley.
Just feel like i am always doing everything for him and he is so disorganised and always loosing things. If i need help with something i usually have to ask and ask.
I feel so incredibly anxious at the moment too about everything.
My mind needs the cobwebs cleared.
Please give me some advice.

[GetDownYouWillFall]

Sorry you are so low I really feel for you because I know what it's like to go through severe depression. It's like being stuck in quick sand - the more you struggle and fight, the deeper you sink. It's very hard to get out of on your own.

You mention your DP has been through depression himself but you feel you cannot tell him you are suffering? Why do you think this is? Do you not think that you need to tell him? He might not react in the way you expect. In fact, if he has been through it himself he may be able to empathise.

You have an awful lot going on, full time work, kids, home, elderly father to look after, building work. Sorry but this is your body's way of telling you enough is enough. You NEED to have some time for yourself. It is not a luxury, it is a necessity. you cannot be a good mother / partner / daughter without first looking after yourself a bit, else you will run yourself into the ground and be no good to anyone.

Do you HAVE to work full time? I know we become accustomed to the money we have coming in and it's hard to take a reduction, but maybe you could get some budgeting advice and see if you could make it work? Seems to me somethings gotta give.

Your relationship is important. From what you've said, I think you know this. You need to talk honestly together about how you are both feeling. You may find that he has similar struggles himself.

[NanaNina]

I endorse all that last poster has said. If you carry on like you are, you will not be of any use to anyone and will experience intense suffering yourself. I have had 2 episodes of severe depression (both requiring hospital admissions) latest one in April of this year and I am still on the long clcimb back upwards. I have just read a book called "DEPRESSIVE ILLNESS" - THE CURSE OF THE STRONG by Dr. Tim Cantopher. A friend loaned it to me but I'm sure you can get it on Amazon. This book could have been written for you Jayzee - he talks of overloading the fuse and it blowing ensuring an episode of depression and anxiety. You are certainly overloading the fuse, so please start think YOU and carving out some time for yourself.

As the last poster says, why do you think your H will not understand, given that he has had depression. This I think says a lot about your current state, that you don't feel worthy of being understood and cared for. The fact that you are feeling anxious about everything does mean that you are probably heading for a depressive episode, as anxiety is the first symptom to emerge and usually the last to subside.

PLEASE do something to get help and support for yourself - visit GP - possibly get medication or counselling. Stop waiting for your H to SEE what a state you are in - he maybe isn't capable of this - many men score very low on the "emotional intelligence" issue.

Wishing you well and the strength to get some help and support NOW as it is much needed. It sounds to me like you are the glue that holds everything together but if that glue melts (which it will unless you get help and support for yourself) everyone will be in a mess.

[jazee]

thanks Getdown and NananNina x
Its so lovely that you have replied.
The reason i feel i cant tell partner is because - if i have a cold, he has one too, if i am tired(as i allways am because i dont stop,) he is SO tired.
Depression is a funny thing - i always think people dont want to know.
I would rather get on with it myself and not burden anyone. Men always seem to be so oblivious to our needs too! He cant understand why I feel not too bad one minute and low the next - is this normal to jump from one mood to another?
So used to getting No help from family....
I do have a few friends who are really lovely and helpful but everone has their own problems.
Anyway, i bought some St. Johns Wort this morning from a very good health shop in town and have started reading a great book called The Mindful Way through Depression.
It is very good and helpful.
I have told partner that i feel low and burnt out, but he works and is doing the extention!!! There is no answer.
Had a bit of me time this morning. The first since July! as i took my youngest for his first day at school. So I know things will get better. Really happy with new tablets too - really hope they will take the edge of my anxiety. i really have been sweating about the small stuff.

[NanaNina]

Hi jayzee - you are quite right "depression is a funny thing" though not funny in the sense we usually use that word. I think it is a deceitful illness, and makes us feel that we are somehow responsible for feeling this way, and that there is something we should be able to do to put it right. We don't feel like this with a physical illness.

It sounds as though your H has the monopoly on being depressed/ill/tired etc etc and has decided (not at a conscious level I'm sure) that he won't tolerate anyone else trying to beak this pattern. Not much you can do about it but it must be very frustrating. I know if my partner (in response to some thing I say I am feeling) will occasionally say "oh well we all feel like that sometimes."

I'm a bit worried about you saying you feel you just have to "get on with it yourself" as this will not help. Glad you have good friends and yes everyone has their own problems but I think you should confide in one of your friends (when the kids aren't around) or even keep a journal and write stuff down. I do that when I am feeling sad and anxious and it stops me moanig to my P.

You are right about men too! I honestly believe that the vast majority of men are simply not capable of meeting our emotional needs. It isn't their fault - they are in my view enormous psychological differences between the male and the female of the species. Most men would rather walk over broken glass than talk about feelings.

Anyway glad you are trying St JW - have never tried it but it might be the right thing for you and yes mindfulness is a concept that my cpn (ommunity psychiatric nurse) talks a lot about and is said to be helpful in dep/anx. Is there any way that you could spare the time and money to get some counselling - maybe CBT which again is quite helpful.

Sending good wishes and get as much time for yourself as well, and you know you won't be burdening your friends if you confide in them. What would YOU say to a friend who was worried that she was burdening you with a problem?!

[madmouse]

My DH has been depressed on and off for as long as I've known him (13 years)and together we'd gotten into the pattern of me being the strong one and life being adapted to his needs. Sounds horrible - fact is he's a good DH and we really love each other. He always said that I would never really be able to understand depression as I was not the depressive type. Well maybe but I got bad PTSD instead...and needed therapy...and learned about me, and my needs, and my place in the world.

We are addressing things as a couple and it's not always easy but it's good. Yesterday he said ds had fallen off the bed in the spare room. I said what was he doing there and he said helping me hang up the washing. He actually saw the basket in front of the machine and decided it would be rather nice if I didn't have to do it after work..and today when I came back from counselling (painful today...) he said that if ds needed more attention than I could handle to call him and he would come downstairs.

I never thought these things were possible!! It coincides with dh having lots of counselling too ad emerging from depression this time hopefully for the last time as he's finally addressing his issues.

What a ramble!! Guess I wanted to say change is possible and you need to start looking after yourself and communicating your needs to your dp - he will need persuading that change is good as from his perspective things are working nicely. But you deserve more support.

[jazee]

So up and down at the moment - is this normal, and suffering from insomnia too which doesn't help.
unfortunately my partner isn't being very supportive at the moment. He is a great husband and father, but its true what you say, NanaNina, men aren't very good at "emotional intelligence". I feel as though he is ignoring me and hardly speaking. I think he thinks, i choose to be "normal" and chatty with him one minute and very quiet and withdrawn the next. Think I become withdrawn to protect myself, perhaps from getting into an arguement or him saying something which will trigger sadness in me and then I have an entire day of feeling low and tearful.
So he responds to my ups and downs by ignoring!
O well, i am just concentrating on looking after myself - there is no-one else to do this but me and then when i start to feel better i can focus on our relationship.
Can't cope with both now.
It's been really reasuring to hear from you, NanaNina and madhouse and GetDownYouWillFall x