Somehow think I am slipping into an eating disorder, and the underlying depression I have had for years is bubbling over.

[GetOrfMoiLand]

On the surface of it, I am fine. Great job I love (where I have to be bullish), loving DP and DD, good quality of life.

have had low lying depression for ages - have tried various ADs, prozac, citalopram, venlafaxine, none of which made a difference (venlafaxine positively made me ill).

Very strange food issues as well, basically it has been food or famine for years. I either eat the whole house, or don't eat for days.

I have been a bit more worried lately as I have been hiding it - I either buy a load of stuff from the garage, and scoff it in the car on the way home, or don't eat for days (get around DP and DD by saying I eat big lunches, and just have a cup a soup for dinner). The only time I feel real achievement is when I haven't eaten for days, and feel like I have resisted temptation. If I do eat anything, I consume half a pack of senokot before bed.

I feel like I have two sides - one side which functions perfectly normally, and the other one where I do things (starve, laxitives) which are patently mad.

It has all got worse in the last 10 months because of unresolvable family problems.

I obviously do need to go to the doctor but feel rather embarrassed (how english) to sit there and confess to doing something so bloody stupid.

[notnowbernard]

Oh Getorf

Don't struggle with this on your own. It's not "stupid" at all. It's a genuine issue that's affecting your mental health

Am sure you know all this, but EDs are controlling illnesses, and you've been struggling with how you feel about all your family shit for ages now - it's how your feelings are manifesting themselves, I guess - through your relationship with food

The secrecy thing is a bit of a red flag, though, and the laxatives. Please get help now - the BEAT website is useful, has a good message board too. Do you have a 'sympathetic' GP?

[notnowbernard]

Other thoughts:

Have you spoken about this to anyone before (specifically about the food)

Have you had counselling or psychotherapy before

Is your weight ok atm? Are you being compulsive in any other areas, i.e exercise

[GetOrfMoiLand]

Thanks Bernard

No, my weight is OK, I am not underweight at all, just the bottom end of what you would consider normal I suppose.

I have wlasy been either feast or famine with food, but yes the hiding the bingeing and starving (which has only been about 2 months or so) and the laxatives really have been a red flag, and made me think about what I am doing.

I am normally a sensible, rational person, and as I am sat there taking the laxatives in bed at night I know that i am being utterly deranged, but carry on anyway.

Same as not eating. I know it is daft not to eat anything. But there I am, like a fol watching my family eat whilst I sit there with nothing, and feel strangely elated (it's like there is a little demon going Ha! in my head).

I don't know my GP at all, I never see the same one. I have been referred to the community psychiatric nurse before, I met him once, he just said 'hmm yes you are depressed' and gave me a list of books to read. Which was all very interesting but didn't actually help!

I have been meaning to go to therapy for years but am slightly hesitant about the whole thing as I really do NOT want to talk about my past (where it all stems from) and rake up that load of shit again. For years i have coped by thinking of the person I was pre-16 as a differemt person, someone who I feel sorry for, but someone who is essentially someone else. Perhaps that conceit is not working anymore.

Anyway HUGE thanks bernard for listening.

[willsurvivethis]

Hi Getorf (I love your nickname

You sound like you have bulimia. Which is just as much to be ashamed of as my Binge Eating Disorder - ie no one else thinks you should be ashmaed except you yourself

Get help. Cognitive Behavioural Therapy can really work. And in my case classic counselling/talk therapy to address the underlying issues. I haven't had a serious binge for 4 months now not counting some minor comfort eating.

Yes secrecy is a red flag - my dh hates finding evidence that I've been binging. He says I degrade myself.

If you want something light hearted but in my view really helpful try Lee Janogly's books 'Stop binging get in control of your eating' and 'only fat people skip breakfast'.

[notnowbernard]

I really think you wil be able to get a hold on this, and stop it in its tracks as you sound very self-aware and insightful - but you will need support and advice from somewhere to manage it

If you don't have a relationship with your GP, maybe by-pass them

Someone who may be able to help would be a dietician with experience in working with people with EDs - a lot work privately (don't know if this is financially viable?) and not only will they have a sound understanding aboutnutrition, meal planning and other practical stuff but will also have real awareness of the emotional component of an ED

Would you think about counselling again?

I know it's frightening thinking about the past and digging it all up but it does sound like it might be useful to try and make some sense about how it's now affecting you and specifically your relationship with food

Sorry for the ramble